Transformation

A friend of mine posted a very thought provoking status on facebook. What changes us more; the 'death' in our lives, or the 'life' in our lives? Interesting question.

Recently, there have been a few sermons at church pertaining to resurrection, and the old and dead becoming new and alive with purpose and hope. I felt like the pastor was speaking to me alone as I would sit there listening as he described my life to the rest of the congregation without even knowing it. It's like something out of the song Killing Me Softly; he found my letters and read each one aloud. I was stunned. The Lord was stirring me into action not just because I was once dead, and not just because I am alive now, but because I transitioned from utter and awful 'death' into full and beautiful 'life'.

So what changes us more? 'Death' or 'life'? What has changed me more? This is a tough question to answer. I can certainly tell you this. I lived the majority of my life plagued by 'death' and toxicity. It wasn't until the most recent years that I have experienced life, true life, real life. 'Death' did change me. I was suspicious of everyone. My motto for years was "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer." And I firmly believed in that. I was the most inauthentic version of myself for 18 years. I didn't trust people, and when I did offer a small amount of trust in good faith, I was still extremely guarded and only shared the parts of my life that I thought would garner a positive response, the response that I needed for I didn't have anything else that would sustain me. In fact, the friends and mentors that I had in those years were privy to very small portions of my life; I was very selective about the things that they were permitted to know about me. I was working at getting people on my side, but those people had no idea about the hurts that governed my every move. They could see the surface stuff, like my financial struggles when I was in high school, living on my own and trying to go to school while having several jobs. But I was an excellent liar, and it was simple for me to charm people into caring for me. But they had no idea who I was at all, and most of them still don't know about the skeletons in my closet.

I can also tell you that 'life' (not to be confused with living) is so good. I have been blessed with some very integral people who could see right through my ploy and were brave enough to confront it. And those people encouraged me to seek healing. It was a long and difficult road to where I am now, riddled with hurdle after hurdle. I felt like I had everything under control, and it was so hard for me to relinquish that control to the Lord even if it meant my freedom from guilt and shame. But as the chains were slowly broken, the grass was literally greener, the sky literally bluer, and life was all the more beautiful for I began to live in victory. 'Life' has changed me for the better. I am thankful for each day and for each person who has stuck by me through the two darkest periods in my life; summer of 2008 and winter of 2009-2010. I have real relationships that are grounded in the Lord, and am not so guarded. I am finally an authentic version of myself, and am growing daily.

But I don't think either 'life' or 'death' has altered me more than the transition from 'death' to 'life'. The struggle of that transformation stage is essential. That's where I have learned the most about myself and of the character of the God I serve. It is in that deep and desperate dark before the dawn of 'life' that I grew to rely more on God for understanding, grace, love and mercy. I don't throw those terms around lightly; I think that Christians often say that God is a God of grace, love and mercy without really thinking about what that means. But as I learned what those things really are, I was changed and I saw 'life' come in my relationships, my marriage, my church, and my daily living. Today, that 'life' is even more apparent; God has given me so many beautiful blessings in the transition stages, some of them most apparent after my husband and I moved to Calgary.  


It is in the dark times where one has very important decisions to make: Do you blame God for the 'death' in your life? Do you blame others? Maybe yourself? Or do you seek to understand your hurts to be free from them? Do you seek to understand you heart that there may be nothing that holds you from your divine purpose? Do you seek to understand that character of God more fully? Do you seek to understand your own responsibility? Do you surrender?

Having 'life' would not mean nearly as much without having 'death'. Neither 'death' nor 'life' will affect you more than the transition from 'death' to 'life' through Christ. And it is that transition that is a testament to His glory and faithfulness. What power.

I am praying for you, that you may find life. And if you are walking in life, then I pray that you will be living testament of victory. And if you are interested, this is a podcast page for the sermons at my church. I really REALLY encourage you to listen to the one entitled PURPLE: Resurrection and Judgement. It's a very excellent message (they all are).

1 Corinthians 15:55

"O death, where is your victory,

O death, where is your sting?"

-SP

Healing

I have been reflecting on life a lot more lately. I have been thinking critically about decisions that I have made, the consequences of them, and what might be different if I had chosen differently. Granted, I cannot dwell on the things that I cannot change, on the decisions that have already been made, and on the changes that those choices have caused. But in thinking about this, in attempting to understand the ways that I have gone wrong, or chosen correctly, I have found ways that I can improve.


A lot of the thought that I have been giving to this is because of the poor judgement I have had in the past in different aspects of my life. I have been in dark places that I would wish on no one. I have been though depression, I have seen the end of crucial relationships and have struggled mightily with understanding my own heart while learning about the grace I must have on others. The past few weeks have been so hard for me. I have wept in prayer while I invited the Spirit in to remove the guilt and shame that I have over some of the hurts that I have caused.


It's not an easy thing to let go of shame. Shame is one of the simplest tactics that the enemy uses to have a foothold in your life. Shame has been a common theme in my life, although most of the shame and contempt that I have carried in my short time on this Earth has been shoved on my shoulders and is not truly mine to carry. Bizarre, isn't it? When shame is let in, it begins to define us. I begins to take over and dictate our movements, our words, and our worth. But that's not how it should be. That is never how God intended it.


But healing can come. It is so possible. I know this because I have had to fervently live it out in my life, especially over the course of the past few years. I became free of the shame and self-contempt that was forced on me over time by the unrelenting grace of God. I was encouraged by my counsellor to call on the Lord and ask the Holy Spirit to come into my heart and reveal to me the ways that it is bound. And He did, so gently. Memories started coming back, things that I had spent so much time covering up and pushing away in an effort to self-preserve. And as they were revealed, He took the hurt and pain and spoke to me saying that I didn't need to carry those burdens anymore. And I was healed. I began to forgive, I let go of resentment, and I became a whole person.


That is the brilliant thing about grace. When you give God your trust, dive into His word and seek to live in His promises He will honour you. And that oppression that the enemy would have you live under to stifle your purpose is completely lifted. And then you experience new life. True life. 


This is not to say that there aren't consequences for your actions. There always will be cause and effect, whether good or bad. However, even when serving the consequence of your actions (like me cutting off my relationship with my father after he repeatedly refused to take responsibility for the abuse at his hand), you don't need to live under the thumb of evil. There are consequences to me too for my father's decisions, like not being able to attend family functions freely, and having to schedule times to see my siblings. But I don't live in guilt for the boundaries that were necessarily put up for I know that the Lord has delivered me and will provide all that I need. And for the bad decisions that I have made, the ones that I am now experiencing the consequences of, I know that God is a miraculous healer. I can depend on Him to restore the relationships that have been compromised by my poor actions. I can depend on Him to lead me and guide me as I atone. He will see to it that the life and love is renewed and strengthened for the betterment of His Kindgom.


I encourage you to truly lay your burdens down. We are not meant to walk through the hard times alone. I know that this is much easier to say than do. Being hurt and needing healing, divine healing, causes us to do strange things. We cling to that hurt. We convince ourselves that there isn't anyone else on Earth that could understand. And in vulnerable relationships, one will convince himself that he is completely right, that there is not other side to the story, and will be quick to blame the other party involved rather than being dedicated in seeking out his own responsibility. But healing, forgiveness, release from anger, wholeness to you and the relationship, and the return of unconditional love will come when it is God's face that we seek.


I pray that you will be drawn closer to Him, and that you will seek His heart. Trust Him, for He is worthy of your everything. And you too will experience healing and new life.


-SP

Calling

I have had some interesting and challenging conversations lately. One recent one was with a leader at our church. He took my husband and I out for coffee where we talked about life in general, both the good and the bad, and then he asked us where we see ourselved in both the near and not so near future, in life and as a part of our church.

That is a heavy question. It would be easy to break out the bucket list and start spouting off things like "buy a house" or "travel". It would be equally easy to say, when speaking of our place in our church, "we want to be part of the music ministry" (seeing as we are both musicians, and both know that is what we are called to). But his inquiry is so much bigger than that. He didn't ask for a check list, he asked for our hearts.

We didn't answer him right away, and truthfully still haven't answered him. I'm the type of person that needs time, some times lots of time, to process things like that. I don't like to respond hastily and then realize that the information I gave wasn't true to is later revealed to me.

Here is what I know: Music is my call. I am fortunate to have a husband who also has the same call on his life, though I know it will play out differently for us both. So I know that the end goal for us at this point is to be playing music full-time in some capacity. For me, it could be teaching or gigging, or maybe putting out my own album. For my husband, it is slightly different as he has no aspirations to be a solo artist, so our careers will end up looking different.

Here is what else I know: I have been blessed with my testimony. My life is a real example of death being turned into life by the abundant love and grace of God. I am now responsible to use that blessing for the betterment of the Kingdom. My story needs to be shared when ever I am given the opportunity. I have been seeking out those opportunities as well, offering myself to leaders in our home church, as well as our last church in Edmonton, that it might bring hope to others in a similar oppression to the one that I once was plagued by.

But there is so much more to my calling, to my end goal, now that I am married. My husband and I are one now, meaning our calls aren't seperate any longer. We need to seek the Lord together in order to grow together. This isn't just about me anymore, it's about us both. So how will our seperate callings, our differing passions, come together to become one cohesive family ministry? Hmmm.


-SP

The Hiatus

Hello readers! I have had a quiet month or so. I have needed it to recharge and strategize as to a more firm direction for this blog. Not that there wasn't a direction before; I think that the aspects of my life that I have written about have been well received. And really, when I set out to blog in the first place, that's all that I had in mind at the time. But there has been a stirring in me, a longing for more. I have needed time to figure out a bit more about it.


I have made a few decisions. The biggest is that I probably won't be writing as often as I once thought I would/could. I want to write quality posts about real things. I feel that there have been a couple times when I have forced myself to think about something slightly profound so that I could post several days in a row. That is inauthentic, and authenticity is something that I crave. If I truly allowing you, the reader, into my space with some small window into my life, it will at least be real and authentic. I have gone through some old posts, deleted a couple that were generally unnecessary, and will go forward from here.


Yes, I still dream of one day writing to assist in the awakening and healing of abuse victims, or something like that. Actually, God has given me some really amazing opportunities to speak into the lives of others through my story on. One of my upcoming opportunities will be on a larger scale, in my home church! I am so extremely excited about this, but I will talk more about it later.


I am also thinking about starting a music blog, posting some videos and speaking more to my life as a musician as I try and "make it". What does that look like? How will I know when I am there? What's the next steps? That idea is still incubating.


Basically, I am not dead, and I am not done writing. But as I get busier I am learning that I need to set aside time for this, just like anything else. There was a recent policy put into place at work about blog sites; we aren't allowed to access them at work anymore...that's probably my doing, haha! But I hope that what I am able to share with you is well-received, and that you find encouragement from it. Stay tuned for some slightly less regular, but hopefully higher quality posts in the near future!


-SP

Life = Exciting!

Life has been exciting lately. The reason for my exceptionally long hiatus from blogging is that my husband and I have been very busy around the house. We recently painted the walls, and then changed the carpet, and bought a new car!

God has really blessed us with newness lately. My mom and brother came to Calgary to help us paint. The walls really needed something new. They were this dark brown colour, but the space is long with windows only on one side so I found it dark and kind of depressing in there when at home for long periods of time. So we brightened up the place with a great light grey colour, and accented the dining room wall with a gorgeous yellow. The bathrooms are a dark grey, and there is a beautiful red accent wall in the bedroom. We are very pleased with how it all turned out.

But when we changed the wall colour, the dingy carpet stood out like a sore thumb. It was an old Berber, cream in colour. There were dark stains left by former occupants and general traffic, and with the crisp grey walls it looked gross. So we went out a few times, looking for the perfect carpet colour and then finally found it.

Then, last Tuesday, my husband was doing some final prep around the house before him and his dad ripped out the old carpet, so I came home early to help him get everything ready. We finished edging the walls, moved the furniture around and moved some things in storage. After a few hours of hard work, my husband thought it might be nice to go test drive something, so we decided to go.

We have wanted a new vehicle for a while, but had decided to hold off. In the last month or so, we had some issues come up with our vehicle that would cost a lot to fix out of pocket, so we thought it would be a good time to get something new. So we discussed a few different vehicles that we would like to have, and were going to wait until June to move on one of them. But we went and test drove the 2011 VW Golf, and loved every minute of it. Plus, our last car was a 2007 Golf, so we know that they are good vehicles. So with little consideration we decided to just go for it and by Friday we were picking up our new car.

We have felt very blessed. God has been so faithful. He has opened doors, given us opportunities to share about His awesome love, and has blessed us with a new vehicle and a virtually new house for very little money. All the glory goes to Him. We were quoted one price for our carpet, and then the next day I got a letter from my grandma with a 200 dollar cheque in it. The day after that, the house was measured and we found out that the quoted price was about 200 dollars lower than it should be. He provided that money at a very pivotal time, so that we could pay for everything. What an amazing God we serve.

Photos to come soon! We need to move a few things around, get some stuff into storage, and hang some pictures. Exciting times indeed!

-SP

The End: The Conclusion

Purpose

I had a very good conversation with my husband the other night. I don’t remember exactly how we got on the subject (I should have written about it the next day), but we talked a bit about death, and leaving the other person behind. That’s a scary thought. I don’t like the idea of being left alone, without my husband whom I love to completely. I don’t like the idea of having to start over, learn to be self-sufficient without the conveniences of having a life partner. And usually we shy away from discussing death with each other, but this time we talked it out.

My husband spoke about how he is afraid of death for that very reason. He is afraid of leaving me behind. He wants me to be taken care of, and even more than that he wants to be the person that provides for and takes care of me. But what I said surprised even me. Ever since I started this blog, I have been haunted by the subject. I haven’t experienced the passing of a close loved one, nor do I want to. So, I have had confusing thoughts about the subject in general.

I said to him that God has determined a purpose for his life. God has set out a path for him, a mission for the betterment of the Kingdom. As long as he is following in what God has for him, he will not be cast off in death.

We finished up our conversation, and I walked down the hall, astounded at what I had just said. I had never had such a clear conclusion about what death is. I had spent so much time wondering about because I don’t know what it is, sitting in fear of it, and then all of a sudden with great conviction I spoke those words.

I am convinced that those words are not mine. I have spent so much time thinking about it, and it was with no thought at all that I responded to his fear. I know that it was the Spirit speaking through me. But since that day, I know this unequivocally. God has set out a purpose for you, and the Bible states that death has no power. God has claimed victory. Death should not be feared, for it will not occur until you have fulfilled the purpose that has been given to your life.

-SP

Life = Busy

You deserve an explanation for my silence. My husband and I have been painting our house, so each evening we have been prepping and painting, and each day with the spare time I do have, I have been looking at decorating ideas for once it's finished.

I don't have any profound thoughts. I wouldn't even call this a good post. But I won't be writing again until next week. Until then, catch up on old blogs, keep in touch, and stay tuned for more!

-SP