The Non-Wish

Today is my father's birthday. I have a hard time calling him that, but it seems to be slightly more accurate than calling him dad. I usually refer to him by his first name, but won't on a public forum. For at least the second year in a row (I can't recall years before that) I haven't contacted him. I also haven't wished him a "happy father's day" for years.


He is an abuser. In March of last year, I invited him to a conversation about the hurts that he had caused in hopes that he would take responsibility so that we could have a whole relationship. He rejected me, and I invited him again. This went on for a little while until he rejected me for a third time. I cut off the relationship that night, stating that it was unfortunate that he couldn't accept responsibility for his actions. I would no longer continue to extend invitations as I had, and he would not see or hear from me. He has the ability to change things, and I will always be open to meeting with him, but that is up to him to initiate. We haven't spoken since.


I am completely fine with that. I have done what I need to do to offer him relationship, and I can't control or feel bad about the fact that he didn't accept the gift of grace he was given. And I don't feel bad about not contacting him today. That is part of the boundary. He won't see or hear from me up to and until he grows a set and accepts the consequences of his abuse. I suppose what is sad about today is that reality is closing in for me.

:)

I have had it easy since I cut off the relationship. I anticipated that I would have to answer to some questions by extended family, because any family functions that he is confirmed to attend I cannot. But because we moved to a different city, closer to my husband's family, we haven't intended on spending most of the holidays with my family in Edmonton. So, I haven't had to ask the difficult questions and answer the questions that my inquiries would create. But this year is different. My extended family will expect that we will spend the holidays that we didn't last year with them this year. And that's understandable. I just wonder what will happen when I have to say "will my father be there? I'm sorry, I can't attend if he is confirmed to go." I could make excuses, I could keep it under wraps, but that's not me. I will not throw him under the bus, and for the sake of my own privacy will not go into great detail with them. I probably wouldn't say much more that that. But it's not supposed to be this way. He should be able to man up and take responsibility for his actions.


But at the same time, I have no voids in my life. I have someone in my life whom I love like a father and who loves me like his daughter. My grandfather is also very supportive, and he understands my decision. I just don't like the restrictions that I need to live within now. I need to creatively arrange to see my siblings during the holidays and miss out on the family traditions. But I do have a lot of peace about the whole situation. I don't need it to work out perfectly. God has a plan.


-SP

Courage Is Contagious

A good friend of mine posted on her facebook the other day that she is unloading some of the junk in her life. I messaged her and said that if she ever needs someone to talk to, someone who has been there, she can always come to me. Here is a little background for you, first about me and then about her.

For those of you who are accessing my blog through my facebook, or my husband's facebook, you may have noticed that I have a goal. I love to blog, it is a great release for me and often I find that I come to major and minor conclusions while I write and think of things that I hadn't before no matter how much thought I put into the subject. But I don't want to just blog. My life isn't that exciting. Sure, I never run out of things to say, but that could be because I am female, or because I only started this a month or so ago. But I have an idea. I want to start another separate blog that is focused on the affects of sexual abuse and the healing process that I went through, so as to reach out to other victims and give practical insight into their hurts through my own experiences. I want to partner with some churches in Edmonton and Calgary for prayer support, and also local counsellors who might be willing to contribute by posting on some topics, or lending their expertise by commenting on my blogs, while also recommending it to appropriate clients. My life may be somewhat boring, but my journey hasn't been. I think that if done well, this could be a resource to all kinds of victims of abuse while having a primary focus on sexual abuse victims. I am excited! My story is now, more than ever, a huge blessing.

<3

Now my friend. I have known her since high school. We have been best friends for years. She experienced a lot of things while growing up, and those things were magnified when she met the man of her dreams. Her father, who abandoned her and her family when she was young, made no effort at all to be part of her life even though she tried to give him opportunities to get to know her and her now husband. She got nothing in return. She has all of this hurt and pain and guilt from her relationship with him that she has started to work through. I am so proud of her! She is spending time learning about the scars left over, not covering them up. She has been writing out specific incidences and hurts and learning to forgive and move forward without resentment while affording him the opportunity to enter into her life if/when he so chooses, on the basis that he will take responsibility. What grace! He is so undeserving of her grace, just as we are so undeserving of the grace that God gives us, and yet she is openly, willingly giving that to him. I have never seen a more Christ-like act.

Of course, this takes time, lots of time. It took me three years of counselling, a long battle with crippling depression, many conversations, tears, and prayers before I was ready to sit with my father and offer him a relationship if he would take responsibility and make steps to change, without lingering resentment and anger in my heart. He didn't, but I will discuss that later (hopefully in my new blog!), and now we don't have a relationship at all. But he still has the power to change it. The door to relationship, Godly relationship, is closed but not locked. If he ever can come to me humbly and recognise fully the sin that festers inside him, and will make himself vulnerable and accountable to someone or a program that can help him move forward and purge the infections from his heart, then we can have a relationship of some kind.

It took me a long time to get to the point that I am at today, and it may take my friend a lot of time, but the fact that she is doing it is an inspiration to me. The most humbling part of watching her experience this all is that she told me that I inspired her. The moment that I heard that, my eyes filled with joyous tears. My story inspired someone else to be so brave and start on a journey to be healed with Christ's awesome love. I have said for a while now that my story is my blessing, perhaps not while fully believing what I was saying. Maybe I said that because I needed to convince myself that it was something other than the curse it felt like. When my best friend told me that my story, my journey, the woman that I became inspired her to dive into her own journey, I fully realized that all the hurts of my past truly are a blessing.

But this is the thing. They are not a blessing because of what I have done with them. It took a lot of convincing for me to take that first step and sit with a counsellor. It was so painful to re-experience all the pain, much more painful than the first time. My story, the abuse, the healing, it's a blessing because of what I let God do with it. In the times that I relied most heavily on my own understanding and coping mechanisms, I felt the most alone and desperate. But when I would give up and hand them over to God, He very gently began to heal me. It is not because of me that I have a great testimony, but because of how the Spirit has moved in me and transformed me.

Courage has been my life word for a few years. It has popped up everywhere; I have been spoken over and told that I am courageous, I was given a necklace by a stranger with the word on it, I even got a tattoo of it. If ever I have felt excited to be a woman of courage it has been lately. God has completely honoured my courage, my perseverance, by showing me that it is contagious. It is because of the results in me that my friend is taking a more focused leap into her pain. It is because of God in me.

Be brave! The journey may be long and so difficult, but it is worth it and others around you will see a change in you even especially when you can't. Not everyone has my story, or my friend's story, but everyone has opportunities to be courageous. And if you do have a story that is littered with hurts caused by others, more specifically people in trust positions in your life, then be encouraged. You are not alone, and you are welcome to contact me.

I leave you with this: John Maxwell said "if we're growing, we're always going to be out of our comfort zone".

-SP