Home Sweet Home?

So this is the New Year
And I don't feel any different

Ok, that's not really true, but that is a great song. I feel renewed, full of hope, and happy. This past weekend was good and refreshing and very full. My husband and I travelled to Edmonton for a wedding on January 1st. I was happy for the excuse, because I hadn't been back 'home' in months, and hadn't seen many friends for a long time. And this wedding was a bit of a reunion for me. I saw people that I hadn't seen in years; people that I had grown up with in some capacity, but I had fallen out of touch with for one reason or another. It was good to see them, touch back into their lives and learn about what they have been doing and have them learn a bit about me. I enjoyed it a lot.

The strangest thing about being in Edmonton was that it no longer felt like home. Not even a little bit. It felt familiar and somewhat comfortable, but I felt as if I didn't belong there. I had spent over 21 years of my life living in and around the city. I know it. I know the buildings, the side roads, the construction. I have memories and friends and attachments there. But I don't have roots there. Not anymore.

Friends :)

I'm not sad about that. I have grown up a lot in the past couple years. I think that ultimately my husband and I were able to move because our roots weren't as deep as we had thought they were. There was little holding us to that place. But it was a strange feeling to drive along roads that I know like the back of my hand and not feel as if I could stay there and belong.

It is good to have friends there, though. I loved being able to spend my time with those people. I relished the opportunity to make new memories with old, steadfast friends. They are loyal and just, and I love them with all my heart. They made it worth it to go back. They always will. I left joyful and with many photos that I can look back on with fondness, remembering the time that we spent together. It was good.

I think that going back, seeing some of my family and many of my friends, was a great experience for me. But I am very glad to be back in Calgary. I am relaxed here. The city is a bit more unfamiliar, the places more strange, but my roots are deep and there is a definite place carved out for me with my friends and community. My heart is sheltered and at ease. It's good to be home.

-SP

The End - Part 2

I love weddings! I think that they are one of the most beautiful things that we get to witness and be part of. Often, as I sit waiting for the grand entrance of the bride, I contemplate my own wedding, and all the events leading up to and during that day. What was I thinking? What was I doing? What was I feeling?

In order to make sense, I must start from the beginning. My husband proposed to me in November of 2008. I knew it was coming. We were always a sure thing. The excitement of the engagement set in, and we started planning; planning the engagement dinners in our respective home cities with our families, and planning the wedding.

We learned a lot about each other in that period of our relationship. I am a superb organizer, but I hate planning, and the more things that piled onto my shoulders, the more stressed I got. I don't handle stress in my personal life very well, but my husband was a rock. He kept me grounded and calm as best he could, and I became more and more thankful for him every day. He was so consistent, and I was so all over the map. Opposites really do attract.

As we got closer to the day, the stress began to build even more. We had some major family issues that we were sifting through, along with financial woes and so many things that needed to get finished all at once. Our relationship was being challenged and each day we pulled through, although we were tired and desperate for a break. And then the day came.

The day went by so quickly as a whole, but leading up to walking down the aisle, the minutes passed by at a sluggish pace. I awoke the morning of our wedding refreshed and rested, even though I had gotten but a few hours of sleep at best. I met my bridesmaids at the salon where we all got our hair done, anticipation continuing to build, and excitement reaching a high. We got into our limo and continued on to the church where we would get our makeup done and get into our dresses.

I sat in the chair, peaking out the windows on the top floor at guests who were arriving early. My bridesmaids got into their dresses, eagerly waiting the time when they would help me get into mine. My mom arrived, and with the photographer there to catch every moment, I put on my dress and watched in the mirror as it was being tied up.

At the top of the stairs, waiting

I felt beautiful. I knew I was ready. I had spent ten months and all my energy preparing for this moment. Then the emotion hit me. I was cool as a cucumber until my brothers arrived, ready to walk me down the aisle to my future. Then I was contemplative and quiet...not nervous or anxious, just quiet. My spirit was humbled by this amazing ceremony I was about to partake in.

I stood at the top of the stairs, waiting for the bridal party to enter. You could feel every person's excitement. It was this palpable energy emanating from the sanctuary. And then it was my turn. My brothers situated themselves up the aisle, ready for me to come in and give them each a kiss on the cheek and tearful hug. It was time. Finally.

My mortality has been the nagging thought at the back of my head. If I am not invincible like I once thought I was, then that must also mean that the people I love the most are also inching their way to the ends of their lives. But what if we rethought death? What if it wasn't the end, but it truly was the beginning? I know, how cliche of me to say that. But seriously, what if it was the beginning of the best part of our lives, and all the life that we live today is the build up to that moment?

There is a large flaw in this metaphor. No one knows when they are going to die, as they do know when they will get married. Some know when they are getting close, like in old age and poor health. But we can't know for sure. But maybe that's ok. Maybe death is not something that I need to fear, but rather something that I can be silently excited for. Don't get me wrong, I am not about to squander this life. This entire blog is about living life to the fullest, in full colour, not missing out on anything big or small. And I won't live each day in anticipation of the end, but when it is my time, I can be at peace knowing that the end of my life is not really the end at all, but the beginning. What a relieving realisation.

-SP