Work Accident

I came to work today, and outside the front door was an ambulance and a gurney. That is not the scene I expected to walk in to. I experienced a bunch of mixed emotions and thoughts as I walked the twenty or so paces to the door, made my way around the gurney and into the foyer where my desk is. The emergency was nearly over by the time I got here. People were bustling around, and I sat at my desk, in the middle of the action, as one of my co-workers was carried out by two paramedics. They managed to make it through the narrow passage and around the corner, and all the upper management staff looked on as she was hoisted onto the gurney and into the ambulance.

I got the story later. She was going up a set of three stairs from the office into the shop and tripped somehow, falling hard on her shoulder. She dislocated it for sure, but any further damage would be detected by x-rays at the hospital. She tends to slump forward and shuffle as she walks, and has been quite accident prone in the past, so I don't think that anyone was surprised that this happened to her. We have painted things yellow in an attempt to make obstacles more visible, as well as implemented almost every other safety precaution known to man in order to keep our lost time accidents to a minimum. Short of removing the stairs and putting in a ramp, or padding every surface in the office and shop, I'm not sure that this instance could have been avoided, simply because her walk isn't very good.

I am sad that this happened. She is an older woman who has been with the company for a long time. She is a valued employee. But I don't know that we, as a company, could have done anything better to ensure her safety. And if she misses work due to injury, we will be penalized for it.

But I hope that as a company, we don't forget what is important here. She is alive and recovering when something much worse could have happened. I hope that amidst all of the investigating and questions we don't neglect to ensure her comfort and safety now and going forward, even if this was an unavoidable instance.

-SP

If I Won The Lottery

I was reading an article about a woman who won 190 million dollars in the states.Even after taxes, that is a lot of money, and if that were won in Canada, there would be no taxes off the top. It got me thinking about what I would want to do if my husband and I won the lottery.

This would be one purchase

I would want to pay out the loans that my old church has outstanding. Even though I left hurting, I grew up there and was involved there. I attended most of the business meetings, participated in the votes, and learned a great deal about living in community while a member there. I would want to relieve them of their financial burdens so that they may more freely allocate funds to other ministries.

I would want to do the same for our current church, as well as tithe. Our current community is so wonderful and I am proud to be a part of it. Yes, there have been hiccups already on our short journey there, but we stand behind the people in charge and the ministries that they support and have created.

I would want to give money to our friends. This is a tricky one, because we wouldn't want to make our friends feel like charity cases, so we would need to be delicate about how we did it, but we would definitely want to share the wealth with them, as we consider them to be our family. We don't want to keep it all to ourselves, we want to make sure the people around us are provided for.

I would want to set up trust funds for my underage siblings, for education and such, and give an amount to my adult siblings. They are so important to me. I would want to ensure that they are taken care of, and that they have the ability to pursue higher education if they so choose.

We would also give a sum to my husband's parents. They have been such great supporters for us, and have truly meant it when they said that we could ask them for any sort of help if we needed it. When we were in a lot of debt, and felt as if we were drowning, they came alongside us and made sure that we were taken care of. We would want to do the same for them.

I would want to give some to my own mom, but this is where it gets trickier. If this were to happen, and I still don't have a relationship with my father, I wouldn't want to give anything to him. It's not that I don't care for him, but I don't want him to reap the benefits of a relationship if he still chooses to refuse to take responsibility for his actions and reject me. So I don't know how that would work exactly, or what that would look like.

And then we would do the usual; buy a house with cash, invest for retirement, maybe retire early, take an extended holiday, donate to charity, things like that.

The chances of this happening are slim to none, especially considering the fact that neither my husband nor I buy lottery tickets. But it's fun to think about. What would you do?

-SP

Love Is...

Have you ever watched The Bachelor? Even if you haven't, I'm sure you know the premise of the show by now. Several women pine after one guy, going on ridiculously romantic dates that serve to promote the ladies to fall for him while he falls for multiple girls. Time and time again after the one-on-one dates, the girl who was chosen to go says she feels so special, like the only one in the world, until he goes on a date with another girl in the house. It's so funny to watch, it almost seems like no part of it can be true, because who would be so brave/stupid to go on a show like that?

I will admit, the idea of being wooed with grand romantic gestures is very appealing. Being surprised with a helicopter ride that takes my beau and I to a secluded, scenic area where we can picnic and horseback ride on the beach would be absolutely wonderful. However, I would think that it would be very disappointing to get back to real life, where he won't have the disposable income for helicopters and private tours of wineries, and impromptu concerts by today's biggest bands.

A friend of mine sent me an article the other day. You can read it here. The author asks if romantic movies are ruining real relationships (I would also ask that of shows like The Bachelor). It goes on to talk about a scientific study that was done that says yes, they do. But I could have told you that without science. I grew up watching, and falling in love with, romantic movies. I would dream about being swept off my feet by a tall, dark and handsome man who would pursue me all the days of my life. Actually, there was a time when it felt like my relationship at the time was right out of a movie script. There were dramatic scenes with me running down the stairs and him coming after me, trying to get me to stay but I kept going. There were dramatic conversations and kisses and I often would tell friends that it felt as if my life were scripted, like someone had come in and written this captivating story, only that rather than observing, I was the main character. Let me tell you, it's not all it's cracked up to be, and that story didn't have a happy ending.

Then I met my husband, and he did pursue me intensely. He wanted me to know that he cared for me, and he showed me in both simple and elaborate ways. But as we settled into our relationship with each other and go more secure in our love, things began to change. I started to overlook the small things that he had always done for me because he didn't do the big things as much. It's not even that he didn't do them as often as he used to, just not as often as I wanted him to. I realized months back that I have a skewed view on what love looks like in action. I became so free when I became aware of how high my expectations were. I do want to make it abundantly clear that I did not settle. My husband is still the most romantic person that I know, and does things daily to ensure that I know how loved I am by him. But love now doesn't look the same as love when you're two weeks into being together.

Love is a choice, not a feeling. It's an effort, not something that just happens. Love gets easier over time, but it takes practice. I once thought that what was in the movies is love, but that's just one small part of it. Yes, that part is important, but love is so much more beautiful than what is shown in movies. It's deeper, stronger, more committed, more perfect. I would never trade real love for the Hollywood substitute.

-SP

You Don't Get What You Don't Ask For

I can't ask for better friends

I had originally thought that I would write on one subject, one that is completely far removed from this one. But I have been thinking about this ever since I saw it on YouTube. I will write about my other topic tomorrow or Sunday (sorry C, haha).

I was checking out Digg yesterday, as I usually do on slow mornings at work. I was reading various news and novelty articles, when I came across this video from YouTube. I watched it, and then looked for other related videos and found that he had posted this video first, and then followed it up with this and later this. You should at least watch the first two.

Basically this guy posted a video last November petitioning all millionaires, and later billionaires, for one million dollars. He told them that they have many millions, and asked them to spare one for no specific reason other than the fact that he asked for it. He is not in great need, he didn't beg, he just posted a few videos hoping that someone would bite. On January 16th, he posted another video of himself, dressed in a tux with a goofy grin on his face, because a someone decided to heed his request. On February 2nd, he will be presented with a cheque for one million dollars, and has a notarized letter from the millionaire's lawyer stating the terms of the agreement; that he will receive one million dollars and will not owe anything in return.

Understandably, some people are upset by the fact that his plot worked. I am, simply because I didn't think of it first. At least I'm being honest. But this is the ultimate example of one of my two life motto's. You don't get what you don't ask for.

I have been known to surprise people with my brazen forthrightness. I have asked senior management to take me for coffee and for lunch. I once got a ten percent discount at the dentist because of a joke. I have asked for raises and bonuses and have gotten them. I asked the president of our company for a pizza day at work, and he said yes when everyone told me there was no way he would.

But I have said for years now that you don't get what you don't ask for. If you want something, go and get it. This guy did, and I commend him. Congratulations, that is awesome. Now please give me 100,000 dollars. Thanks.

-SP

Sicky-Poo

I have been frustrated lately. I don't like to write this sort of blog, but the New Year has been somewhat terrible so far. Not in all things. Honestly, in most things it's good and what I had hyped it up to be. But I have been having one health issue after another lately, and it's really beginning to wear on my spirit.

Is this the cure?

In the past few weeks, I have been late to work by at least a few hours several times, and have missed one full day of work due to unexplainable pains, colds, fatigue, and general unhealthiness. Without going into too much detail, I had severe abdominal pains one day, migraines another, and since yesterday have been feeling so ill due to another painful issue. Each time, I pump myself full of whatever it is I need, whether it be antibiotics, Advil, or other remedies. But each time, something else happens, and each time is worse than the last.

For example, yesterday I started to feel pain. This is a familiar pain, one that I can easily self-diagnose and have a standing prescription for at the pharmacy. So I thought about perhaps leaving early from work, talked to my superiors about the possibility, and decided to try to make it as long as possible. I ended up feeling much better by the end of the day. I came home to my pills waiting for me on the counter (my husband is wonderful and picked them up for me), quickly took one and prepared dinner and got ready to go to Yoga.

Yoga is my new obsession. You sweat out so many toxins and get a full body work out. While I don't agree with all of the religious concepts attached to the practice, I do agree with the basics. I leave feeling relaxed, accomplished, and energized. I don't think about anyone else in the room, I just block everything out and focus on my breathing and doing the postures correctly. And I can already see the benefits of the class, and am excited to do it more regularly. But last night, I sweat so much that my pain increased tenfold, and I felt worse than I had in a really long time. I took another pill, and then spent much of the night trying to find a comfortable position in bed. When I was still wide awake at midnight I got up and moved to the couch, still trying to find that perfect position. I didn't want to keep my husband up anymore with my rapid movements and labored breathing.

I finally fell asleep in an oddly comfortable position, and woke up a few hours later (I think, I don't know when exactly) and made my way back to my bed. Worst. Night. Ever. I woke up this morning, still in agony, and went into work late still waiting for the meds to kick in. This seems to be my life right now. If it isn't one thing, it's another, and everything seems to be happening all at once. I visit doctors, but they don't give me real answers. They just prescribe something else that might work. I am not satisfied with that anymore.

So I am going to see a naturopathic doctor in town. My husband and his parents call him the voodoo doctor. From the stories I hear, he is unconventional, and that might be putting it lightly. But I have seen good results in my parents-in-law and my husband. My husband has allergies in the summer, and working as a landscaper has to deal with them everyday. This doctor gave him a home, over the counter remedy that has basically cured his allergies. My father-in-law suffers from terrible arthritis, and has seen a major decrease in his pain. So I wonder what he can do for me. I hope that whatever it is, it works quickly.

-SP

Undercover Boss

I prefer this kind of work...

I watched an episode of Undercover Boss last night with my husband. If you haven't seen it before, the premise is that a CEO of a large, sometimes international corporation with all the luxuries one could ask for goes undercover for a time to meet and work with lower level employees. He gets to know their triumphs, personal struggles, likes and dislikes all the while masking himself as a new employee. The entire thing is filmed under some ruse (this time, it was that he was competing with another girl for a position with the company), and we get to see how the CEO copes with the manual labour or mundane tasks that many of us would be easily good at and become accustomed to quickly.

I had seen portions of the show before, but hadn't watched a full episode until now. I was deeply moved.

The people that the show profiled are remarkable. They come from different backgrounds and social economic standings, but they all had amazing stories. It was impossible for me to not be sucked in to their stories of gain and loss as I listened and learned. As the show went on, I began to realize that I have it really good where I am. I don't like my job on the best of days, but not because it's bad. I think it's more because I know it's temporary. It's a stepping stone. If things go as we hope, I plan to be out of here in May of 2012. It's easy for me not pour my heart into what I do here because I am indifferent about it all. But I don't need to worry about what these employees do.

It was stated in my interview that my employers are more concerned about how I fit into the "family" than my skill set. They could see that I am a skilled worker from my resume. Furthermore, skills can be taught. But chemistry and belonging can't be. They also said that they want me to know that if myself or my family ever has some sort of crisis, I have the ability to come to my superiors and the company will do whatever it can to help. I was looking a the bulletin board in the lunchroom the other day, and there was a memo that said that if anyone in my household graduates from high school or a post secondary program, they are entitled to a bursary. Birthdays are posted in the lunchroom and celebrated. Career anniversaries are recognized. I'm sure that if I asked for a raise I would get one. There is a great culture in this business that I have never experienced anywhere else, but I am quick to gloss over it and forget about all the small benefits.

I am glad that I was reminded yesterday that I work for a company that cares about my own personal success as much as it cares about it's own success. I am glad to know the highest ranking individuals by name, and that there is always an open door policy. And I am thankful that, though this is a stepping stone, it is a good one; one that has added blessing to my life. I hope that I will not be so quick to complain, but that I will continue to be reminded of how good I really have it.

-SP

Second Life

My husband and I went for coffee with a friend the other night. During the course of our conversation, we got on the topic of video games and whether or not we would allow them in our homes and relationships. My husband and I enjoy playing video games. We don't play them often (I do more than him usually) but it is nice to have them in the house for those snow days. But we have never been really addicted to them. I mean, when a new Lego game comes out, I will buy it and spend a copious amount of time playing for days at a time. But the novelty wears away quickly, and then I won't touch a game for months at a time.


My friend told me about this game called Second Life. I only got a brief description of the game, but my understanding is that you are able to create a whole virtual world for yourself. You make a character look how you want, you have the job you want, the house you want, the friends you want. You interact with other users, and make friends over the internet. This in and of itself may not be so bad. Everyone needs an escape, and for some people they find relaxation in games. But there needs to be balance.


My friend told me about this one girl who did an interview or something. In Second Life, she is a singer. She has fans, albums, and lives a lavish virtual lifestyle. In real life, she aspires to sing. She wants to be a performer, but hasn't had many opportunities. Being in the music business myself with a desire to carve out a career in it once school is done, I understand that it is a cut throat business. There are a lot of people who can sing and dance and write who are marketable and charming. But this girl thinks now that that her key to success is her virtual career. She hopes that one day, she will be afforded an opportunity to perform as a career in "this world", as she refers to it, because of her Second Life success and following. This makes me so sad.

I do love this game.

I have very strong opinions about games such as this and WoW. I have seen how addictive they can be, and how that addiction can lead to problems in real life relationships. I was privy to aspects of one friend's marriage as she and her husband struggled to find balance between the time he spent on WoW and the time he spent with her. It almost wrecked them, and at one point she was talking about how she had begun to consider divorce. Games should not cause this sort of discourse. 


Are virtual realities causing people to lose their ability to engage in real life, face-to-face authentic relationship? What is the appeal of these sort of communities? Or should I be asking, what is so repulsive or difficult about real relationships that causes people to create a fake life for themselves as a way to interact with people they have never, and may never, meet? 


I am not against video games. In fact, I love playing games with my husband. But I feel that, for me at least, virtual reality games are taking it too far. I rather love my life, and would rather live it then create a 2D knock off that is nearly perfect but far from real.


-SP

Bad Dreams

I have very vivid day dreams. Sometimes, my day dreams are much more realistic and captivating than any dream I have had in my sleep. Even more dangerous yet are the dreams that I have when in that almost asleep state, right before I slip into a seven hour slumber. My mind has always been prone to wander. I seem to most often explore the feelings that I have never felt, experiences that I would like to lay claim to, and events that have yet to happen. There is something intriguing and terrifying about the unknown, and my mind seems to travel to the things that I don't know much about at all.

This should be a relaxing place

When I began this blog, I wrote a few on death. I have never experienced death, and my one and only near death experience found me in the hospital high on morphine. My life didn't flash before my eyes and I didn't need to say any goodbyes just in case I didn't make it. In fact, I didn't know the severity of the situation until after my surgery, when my doctor came in and told me what had happened. And I have never had anyone close to my heart pass away. I have been to funerals of extended family members, cried a couple tears of mourning, but my heart was not connected to the people who had passed. My mom and siblings are alive and well, my friends are all living vibrant, healthy lives, and there is not one person in my family with a known terminal illness. I suppose that I am lucky in this way. Death has never been something looming over myself or my family, because it seems to be rare and the cause is natural.

I have touched on what I am about to before. I think about my own death at times, but truthfully I do not fear it all that much. I have lived a good life. It has been full of love and grace and I am truly blessed. And the fact that I don't know when or how I will die prevents me from dwelling on it. I am glad I don't know those things. But I think about my husband passing, or one of my siblings, and I cannot fathom living my life without them I don't know what I would do.

A few nights ago, I was about to sleep. I laid down, relaxed and at ease, and buried myself deeper under the duvet and closer to the warmth of my husband's body. He passed out nearly right away; I have always been envious of his ability to lay down and be asleep within five minutes. I laid awake for a bit, checked my facebook on my phone a few times, and finally lay still on my back waiting for the Sandman to take me away. Then I dreamt. I dreamt that my husband was away, but this time he wasn't coming home. I wept. I called his parents, told them the news, then my mom, then our friends. I sat at the funeral in the front row, crying silently, not really paying attention to much of anything. I stood motionless at the wake, showing little emotion while I avoided any sort of human interaction. I came home to an empty house, wearing all black. I put off doing the laundry for as long as I could, not wanting to wash the last of his clothes for the last time. I didn't move anything. I collected life insurance, took leave from my job, and left. I don't know where I went, I just left. I couldn't be there. I couldn't be in the home that we had built together with all of his things and the photos, and no possibility of ever seeing him again. I have never felt so hopeless. I woke up with tears streaming down my face. I rolled over, into my husband's shoulder, and just stayed there. I am so thankful that a life without him is not my reality.

I think that if he were to die tomorrow, this would be an accurate representation of my reaction. I know that I have never experiences grief of this magnitude, but he is my life. He is my best friend and my biggest support. Before I met him it was the excited expectancy that I would one day meet the love of my life that kept me going from day to day. And now that I have met and come to deeply love him, I don't know how to do without him. It would be different if we had kids. I would have beautiful gifts, pieces of him that I would set my own grief aside for. But without something like that, I don't know how or when I would move forward. That's scary.

I have idea why I have been considering this so much lately. I think that I have contemplated death and all that comes with it more in the past few months than I have in my entire life. Perhaps it's the fact that everyone experiences it differently. I don't know what my reaction will be. I don't know what stage of life I will be in when someone close to me passes. The only thing that I concretely know about death is that it is inevitable.

I'm not looking for comfort. I'm not even looking for answers. Perhaps I am seeking to be somewhat prepared for it. But I do know that I wish for better, lighter dreams.

-SP

Update

I suppose that I ususally write about more personal and vulnerable things that I am about to. But my life right now is at rest. My mind is racing, and grasping at clarity in some areas, but in most others my spirit is quiet and still. Come this time tomorrow, it might change and I might be all over the place, trying to find balance and insight. That is usually what happens. But for now, I must enjoy the serenity.

It is cold here, but without wind. That is a great thing, especially since we are so close to the Rockies. I can handle the cold. I would even venture to say that I don't mind it most of the time. It's the wind that makes it unbearable.

Yesterday, I tried Hot Yoga for the first time. It was an interesting, roller coaster experience. I was feeling under the weather yesterday, so I hadn't eaten too much but remained as hydrated as possible. I knew that it would be a shock to my system, as I quite like room temperature and anything more than that tends to make me lethargic and uncomfortable. Being in a room that is 40.5 degrees Celsius took a minute to get used to. I hadn't done much at all for physical activity in the past couple years, except for the times that I would go to the gym, so when I started doing the poses my muscles fatigued quickly. I was so faint at one point, the instructor came over and helped me sit down. I was that girl, but apparently it happens often, so I don't feel so bad. 

Fooood...

By the end of the class, I felt relaxed. It was good. I came home, had some vitamin C and a lukewarm shower and then had a really great sleep. I was hoping to go again tonight, but my muscles are sore so I don't know if I should go or if I should give myself a night to recover. I guess we'll see in an hour or so. But I'm excited! Yoga body, here I come!


Work was tiring today. It felt like I was being pulled in a million directions at one time, and I didn't get so much as a lunch break until 2:30. I used it to get Starbucks, before coming back to work, heating up my lunch, and working while stuffing my face. Delightful. I am glad for the busyness, but I am exhausted tonight. 


Tonight, I need to learn some songs and go to wing night with my hubby. Rips has the greatest wings. I am excited to gobble them up.


-SP

My Driving Rant

I have a love/hate relationship with driving. It soothes me, relaxes me, and I used to go driving to calm down when upset or angry. While it's not a crutch any longer, and I am much better at facing the things that I should when I should, I still enjoy it a lot. I like the control, the power. I accelerate quickly, brake softly, shift rapidly, obey as many rules of the road as possible (except the speed limit), and try to be as efficient with my commute as possible. It's like a game for me. I like finding the shortest routes, I observe traffic patterns and take note of the fastest moving lanes for different parts of the city at different times of day. It makes me a terrible back seat driver; I am constantly giving suggestions or pointing out the times my husband doesn't signal to change lanes, and he hates it (I'm working on it). But I feel like I'm good at it. I'm a good driver. I'm aware and courteous, but don't piss me off.

The open road in the Z

Two days ago, my husband and I were going to Cochrane to get his hair cut. About halfway through the drive, the highway goes from a divided highway to two lanes. On this particular day, everyone was taking it a bit slower than usual. There was blowing snow, and in places it was nearly white out conditions. Then, before Cochrane, there is the huge hill deemed the Cochrane hill (we are so creative). The speed limit on this stretch is 80 km, and the wind had cleared up a bit by the time we reached the hill. We were coming around a bend right before the hill and in the meantime, there was a guy in some sort of station wagon-like vehicle looking to turn right to go down the hill at the bend. He clearly could see that we were coming around the corner of the one lane highway at a quick pace, and could have easily deduced that he would not have enough time to get up to speed before we would have to hit the brakes to keep from smashing up his rear. He pulled out in front anyway. Luckily, there was a turning lane right beside him that we pulled into, and we passed him. Clearly he is an idiot, and if there were a collision he would have been at fault As we were passing him, he lifted his gloved hand and gave my husband and I the finger. Seriously?

I was so mad. I called him a douche maybe twenty times in the next five minutes because I couldn't believe that he had the gumption do that when he was the one who made the bad decision. We weren't speeding, we were barely doing the speed limit, and some entitled idiot decided to pull out in front. It wasn't a merge lane, we had the right of way, and because of his retarded maneuver my husband needed to do some quick thinking to prevent us from hitting the brakes and either fish tailing or slamming into him. I got over it eventually, but for real, that's not cool.

And then this morning. The roads are crummy. There has been a lot of blowing snow in Calgary, and some new snow fall as well, so the roads are icy and everyone is taking it slow. There are some poorly planned roadways in this busy city, and many merge lanes. At one point in my commute, there is an open lane to my right and to the right of that one is a lane that ends so one must merge. This woman in a Dodge Caravan beside me (don't get me started on people who drive a Dodge) was adamant about not letting this other guy in. He was about to inch his way in front of her and she swerved out of her lane, nearly into my car, and prevented him from getting in. I have no idea who did what to her cereal this morning, but she was some middle-aged blonde soccer mom type who was on a mission to be the most impolite driver on the road this morning. When she pulled out in the front of him she was clearly upset, and quickly flipped him the bird. I was in shock. The guy rolled down his window and started yelling at her from his car, and she just shook her head and ignored him. I couldn't believe it. Now, there have been times when I have chosen not to let someone in for various reasons, and there was one time when my husband and I both did a similar thing where we moved out in front of someone in an effort to have them wait. But never in a commute when clearly the merge lane is ending and people need to be let in. That's just ridiculous.

Add this to my laundry list of other crappy driving habits, and it makes for a very frustrating drive at times. For example, if I let you in, I expect and watch for a wave. And if there is snow on the rear window, then I look for blinking hazards to indicate that that driver acknowledges the courtesy. I nearly always wave. Also, on the highway, if you are moving slower than others, you should be in the right lane. And if someone comes up behind you in the left lane looking to pass, then the slower person should move over. Not only are there signs everywhere that say "slower traffic keep right", but it's just common sense. But as my mom would say, common sense isn't so common.

Attention drivers: STOP BEING SO STUPID. Go and read your leaner's license test book again if you are sketchy on the details, or maybe re-take the test. The world will be a better place if you do. Thanks.

-SP

The Non-Wish

Today is my father's birthday. I have a hard time calling him that, but it seems to be slightly more accurate than calling him dad. I usually refer to him by his first name, but won't on a public forum. For at least the second year in a row (I can't recall years before that) I haven't contacted him. I also haven't wished him a "happy father's day" for years.


He is an abuser. In March of last year, I invited him to a conversation about the hurts that he had caused in hopes that he would take responsibility so that we could have a whole relationship. He rejected me, and I invited him again. This went on for a little while until he rejected me for a third time. I cut off the relationship that night, stating that it was unfortunate that he couldn't accept responsibility for his actions. I would no longer continue to extend invitations as I had, and he would not see or hear from me. He has the ability to change things, and I will always be open to meeting with him, but that is up to him to initiate. We haven't spoken since.


I am completely fine with that. I have done what I need to do to offer him relationship, and I can't control or feel bad about the fact that he didn't accept the gift of grace he was given. And I don't feel bad about not contacting him today. That is part of the boundary. He won't see or hear from me up to and until he grows a set and accepts the consequences of his abuse. I suppose what is sad about today is that reality is closing in for me.

:)

I have had it easy since I cut off the relationship. I anticipated that I would have to answer to some questions by extended family, because any family functions that he is confirmed to attend I cannot. But because we moved to a different city, closer to my husband's family, we haven't intended on spending most of the holidays with my family in Edmonton. So, I haven't had to ask the difficult questions and answer the questions that my inquiries would create. But this year is different. My extended family will expect that we will spend the holidays that we didn't last year with them this year. And that's understandable. I just wonder what will happen when I have to say "will my father be there? I'm sorry, I can't attend if he is confirmed to go." I could make excuses, I could keep it under wraps, but that's not me. I will not throw him under the bus, and for the sake of my own privacy will not go into great detail with them. I probably wouldn't say much more that that. But it's not supposed to be this way. He should be able to man up and take responsibility for his actions.


But at the same time, I have no voids in my life. I have someone in my life whom I love like a father and who loves me like his daughter. My grandfather is also very supportive, and he understands my decision. I just don't like the restrictions that I need to live within now. I need to creatively arrange to see my siblings during the holidays and miss out on the family traditions. But I do have a lot of peace about the whole situation. I don't need it to work out perfectly. God has a plan.


-SP

It's Not You, It's Me

I love watching The Bachelor. I love watching these crazy girls pine after one guy, doing whatever they can to attract his attention and gain his trust while fending off other crazy girls. They get jealous, desperate, and dramatic and I find the whole ordeal entirely entertaining. I am a sucker for this type of 'reality' television. Perhaps it's because I have some sort of weird, deeper connection to the people involved, as it reminds me of my high school self and my first relationship. Their desperation is hilarious now, and I curl up with a blanket and popcorn every Monday night to watch and laugh my butt off for two hours, but in high school it wasn't funny at all. It was my reality, and it hurt.

I have written about this in part before. I dated this guy in high school. He seemed mature and ready to commit to a relationship. Perhaps he was, but we wanted different things from the beginning, and instead of me standing up for myself and telling him what I really wanted, I tried to change and bend to him and what he wanted so that he wouldn't leave. It was all this desperate attempt to be loved and valued, but I don't think he ever knew who I really was. And in the meantime, I put all my self-worth in him, in this human, imperfect man who could never be my sole source of fulfillment. That's not his place, just like it's not my husband's place. I know that now, but I sure didn't then.

My life after we broke up was so melancholy and dramatic. It seemed like every day, I was going to school and telling my friends about something else that happened, or another memory I was trying to forget, or another conversation we had. I would take the bus home or to work, and depending on where I was going my bus stop could be literally right outside his house. I would peer over at the window out the corner of my eye, hoping to catch a glimpse of him watching me. It might be some indication that he still cared for me.

He started dating someone else a couple months after we broke up, but our relationship was one of those; it clearly wasn't over. I felt like he kept stringing me along. He asked me to wait for him, whilst he dated this other girl. I felt like I was better than her. I felt I was better for him. I felt like he was missing out, and this other woman was to blame for us not being together. He deepened his relationship with her, and I slowly started to lose grip. At one time, I was content to wait. I would do anything he asked as long as it meant that in the end, he would be with me again. I wanted to marry him, I wanted to have his children, I thought that he completed me. And then I saw them together.

She loved him. She loved him so much. It was written all over her face. And he loved her back. I tried to convince myself that he loved me more, that our bond was stronger, but I was jealous and exhausted of waiting and the constant games. I told him soon after that I was done waiting. And he chose her. I was devastated. I wrote songs and I talked more frequently with friends. I told and retold stories, and relied heavily on the negative comments that any one may have about him for closure.

They broke up some time later. Him and I hadn't talked in a while. I'm a little sparse on some details, this was a long time ago and truly it all feels like a blur. Everything kind of melts together. He called me after they broke up. I was happy and confused. But I wasn't nearly as cautious as I should have been. We went on a few dates, I began to invest in him again no matter how hurt I was. I thought I needed him, so I was glad for the opportunity to have him in my life again. But he wasn't done with this other girl, either. They saw each other a couple times because of circumstance, and they kissed. I couldn't handle it anymore. We ended it, this time for good (I think). I remember being on MSN with him a little while after, and he asked me something that made it very easy to put him in the past. And while it did take a while, I was done with that time of life. He continued to date the other woman, and they were together for two years.

Doesn't it kind of sound like The Bachelor? I loved this man, as deeply as a 16 year old can, and still he chose someone else over me. I invested in this man. I let him in further than I had ever let anyone in before. And I was jealous for him. I thought I was the best, and I remember telling myself "he is missing out. I am better than her". But I quickly learned that is the worst attitude to have. One should not be so full of himself. Later, after we were done with the relationship, I got to know his new girlfriend. She is a peach, and I adored her. She was so good for him, I think, much better than I was. In the small time that we were acquaintences, I learned about her from both my ex and what she told me. And she is seriously a very beautiful person, one that I was blessed to know for a period of my life. It was then that I started to do some serious soul searching. This woman that I once despised, for no fault of her own, was wonderful and kind. She took an interest in me, and I in her. I wished that she could have been a friend of mine, for I think she would have been loyal and supportive. I told myself, and had others tell me, that I was so much better for him than she was. But I really don't think that I was. She seemed so much more beautiful and perfect for him than I. And I still think that.

The prince who charmed me

I read some books, prayed, and sought the counsel of wise and objective friends. My whole outlook changed on the entire situation, and I think that it was because of my dilligence that I never made the same break-up mistakes again. Yes, I went on to kiss a lot of frogs, but when it didn't work out I left with little resentment and poise.

The new season of The Bachelor has started, and already, in the first episode, when these women have absolutely no clue who he is, let alone who the other women are, and the girls who have been ousted have said "he is missing out. I am better than half those girls in there." No! There is a reason that you weren't chosen to go on. You are released to find the man that is meant for you, and he is released to find his princess. It is a blessing. I pray that one day they will know that, like I do.

It took me a while to find my prince, and when I did I was glad that the frogs let me go so that I could find him.

-SP

Familiar Buildings

I wrote earlier this week about being at a wedding in Edmonton, my home town. It was good to be there and see some people that I don't get to see that often anymore. It was nice to connect with some friends who used to be regular fixtures in my life, but due to distance can't be. It felt good to be able to drive around the city without GPS and know where I was going and how to get there. The city and the places felt familiar. I had already built memories in the streets and buildings that we drove and went into. And I remembered them fondly as I witnessed the ceremony, went to the mall, and ate at the reception.

Love these people

But I think the weirdest, most difficult place to be in should have been the most comfortable. It was the church; the church that I attended and served in for years, the church I grew up in, the church I made friends in, the church I got married in. I felt detached from it and some of the people in it. Where it once felt warm, it was cold and callous. We have a tainted past, I suppose. Not the building and I, and not even the entire body and I. Just one or two people and I. It's funny how such a large building with so many people in it can feel so small and claustrophobic because of the presence of one person.

I started the day well. On the way to the ceremony with my husband, I told him that I was excited. I was excited to see some friends that I hadn't seen in a long time. It would be a good day. I was nervously excited to see a friend (can I call her that?) whom I love, perhaps more deeply than I ever have, but no longer have a relationship with. And that's ok! I have this tremendous, God-given peace about the entire situation, and if anything, my peace has only been strengthened as my heart is no longer wondering and searching. Truthfully, it was good, so good, to see her. My husband and I sat behind her and her husband, and after the ceremony we struck up a conversation. And while it was perhaps meaningless, surface conversation, it was good to hear her voice and hear how she is and what she has been doing. Most of all, it was good to know and feel like I didn't drop the ball because I didn't let my insecurities get in the way and spend my time avoiding and alienating her. We could have easily done that to each other. And maybe she wanted to, I don't know. All I know is that I wanted to show her in some small capacity that I have, indeed, moved forward and learned, even if she doesn't feel able and ready to give me the opportunity to show her that on a deeper level. We hugged goodbye, and I held tightly. It was like this symbolic "letting go" and since then I have been much less obsessive about seeing how she is via any social medium available to me, and my limited permissions. I teared up, my heart felt it. I took a few deep breaths, and then moved along. I am actually really looking forward to the next time we meet, whenever that is.

My husband and I were making our way to the door, and then I saw her. She was a leader at the church. She was my leader at one time. And while I'm sure her intentions were good, her execution was terrible, and she tried to mediate a relationship and lead a ministry when she was ill-equipped to do either. I don't respect her. And while I have moved forward, past the anger and resentment and into God's loving arms, I still don't have any desire to run into her. I could be cordial, but not without my guard up.

We didn't even run into her. I think that both parties quite purposefully missed each other. I was at church the next day, and we were always on opposite sides of the room, speaking with different groups of people. Ultimately, I think it would have been fine to say hello to each other. But I just don't know that either of us would be intentional about it. And that's ok, too. Honestly, when I visit the church, it's to be with the people that I love and who know my heart, not the ones who don't.

I went into the weekend expecting that it would be cozy. I expected that, because of my history with the places, they would feel homey and warm. But for a moment, a very distinct moment, it didn't. That's just proof to me that a building isn't the foundation of a comfortable space, it's the people. And as long as there isn't peace, there isn't comfort. But when there is peace, like with this friend I used to know, that comfort is deepened. I was really thankful for that experience.

-SP

Must Have Superpowers

It's been one of 'those days'. Not in the negative sense. It's actually been a mediocre day full of routine and mindless tasks with no really notable events or happenings. But I think that's what is making it one of 'those days'. Yesterday was extraordinarily satisfying in ways that I didn't expect it to be. My husband did house work while I was at my day job. I kept busy with the paperwork overflowing in the inbox on my desk, and knocked eight things off of my lengthening to-do list. I felt productive. And then I got home, made a fantastic salad for dinner with grilled chicken and garlic toast, and sat with my husband watching hockey and season premiers while eating perfectly seasoned popcorn. It was a good night.

Love :)

Today, I expected much the same sort of day. I got to work with the best of intentions, but then hit the proverbial wall about an hour into sitting at my moderately clean desk. I looked at my list, the list that I had seemed to conquer the day before, and felt overwhelmed and buried alive in endless tasks, questions, and expense reports. I will go home to a clean but empty house, awaiting the return of my husband from his teaching, maybe playing some video games. I have been having an off hair day. It's not entirely bad; most of it is sitting exactly where I placed it at 8 o'clock this morning. But I can feel it falling out of place and that annoys me. Of the twelve things sitting on my list for the day, six are completed, but two were completed by a colleague. I feel slightly less productive, less accomplished, and much less motivated than yesterday. And it's only Tuesday. Oh gosh.

I have spent much the day reading excerpts from a couple of my favourite blogs, including Hyperbole And A Half and Calling People Names (the latter of which can be quite graphic and full of bad language...do not read if you are sensitive to dirty jokes and swear words, or if your parents tell you not to). And I got to thinking. I wish I had some superpowers. Surely, they would be unconventional and nonsensical. But I could use the power of hair awesomeness right now, among other things. So here are the superpowers I wish I had, and if someone ever develops the ability to have these, I would volunteer to test them. I don't care about the consequences.

1. Awesome hair, all the time!

Come on, ladies, you know you want it. The ability to wake up in the morning, shampoo, blow dry, and go with the most beautiful flowing locks with minimal effort and product. Not that I have long hair; I rather like my short Riri inspired cut. But it requires more finesse. I need to gel, spray, fondle, move, spray again, brush, spray...I wish for it to be awesome all the time.

2. Flatulence that never smells

You know those times when you're in the grocery store, and someone drops a bomb and then scoots away quickly so you don't know exactly who it was? It was me. Sorry.

3. Zero Insomnia

This is a good one. Last night, 11 o'clock rolled around. My brain knew it was bed time. So I went and got ready, and laid awake for who knows how long, trying to convince my awake mind and restless body that it was, indeed, time to sleep. I seem to have this problem more often lately.

4. More money

This isn't exactly a superpower. Mind you, none of these are. I just titled it like I did so you would read. Yes, I did, in fact, attempt to lure you in with an interesting title. Don't be mad. You like it. Now, more money, not really a superpower, but definitely would be cool. Now accepting donations.

-SP

Home Sweet Home?

So this is the New Year
And I don't feel any different

Ok, that's not really true, but that is a great song. I feel renewed, full of hope, and happy. This past weekend was good and refreshing and very full. My husband and I travelled to Edmonton for a wedding on January 1st. I was happy for the excuse, because I hadn't been back 'home' in months, and hadn't seen many friends for a long time. And this wedding was a bit of a reunion for me. I saw people that I hadn't seen in years; people that I had grown up with in some capacity, but I had fallen out of touch with for one reason or another. It was good to see them, touch back into their lives and learn about what they have been doing and have them learn a bit about me. I enjoyed it a lot.

The strangest thing about being in Edmonton was that it no longer felt like home. Not even a little bit. It felt familiar and somewhat comfortable, but I felt as if I didn't belong there. I had spent over 21 years of my life living in and around the city. I know it. I know the buildings, the side roads, the construction. I have memories and friends and attachments there. But I don't have roots there. Not anymore.

Friends :)

I'm not sad about that. I have grown up a lot in the past couple years. I think that ultimately my husband and I were able to move because our roots weren't as deep as we had thought they were. There was little holding us to that place. But it was a strange feeling to drive along roads that I know like the back of my hand and not feel as if I could stay there and belong.

It is good to have friends there, though. I loved being able to spend my time with those people. I relished the opportunity to make new memories with old, steadfast friends. They are loyal and just, and I love them with all my heart. They made it worth it to go back. They always will. I left joyful and with many photos that I can look back on with fondness, remembering the time that we spent together. It was good.

I think that going back, seeing some of my family and many of my friends, was a great experience for me. But I am very glad to be back in Calgary. I am relaxed here. The city is a bit more unfamiliar, the places more strange, but my roots are deep and there is a definite place carved out for me with my friends and community. My heart is sheltered and at ease. It's good to be home.

-SP