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I dated a guy in high school. For those readers who knew me then, you know what a mess that was, especially after we broke up. Us parting ways lead to very dramatic, roller coaster life in my final year of school before graduating. I felt like I was in a movie; my life was unpredictable and over romanticized. It was ridiculous.
We broke up and eventually grew up. I realized that he was never 'the one' and after a long time we were able to maintain some contact without feeling the need to try again. I guess I can really only speak for myself in all of this. I don't know him well enough to know for sure that he has moved forward and has realized all these same things for me.
I met my husband, we started seeing each other and very quickly we both knew that we would be together forever. My ex and I would still go out for coffee once in a while, or catch each other online and chat for a few minutes. I had a full-disclosure policy with my husband, meaning that every single conversation, intentional or spur of the moment, was communicated at length and in full detail to my husband. I never wanted him to ever feel like I was hiding something from him, especially when it came to an old flame. I always gave my husband the option to say "no, Steph, I'm not comfortable with you going for coffee/sending a message to him," and have always been ready to cut off ties should my husband ever decide he would like me to. My husband is my absolute first priority. No relationship, especially one with my ex, is worth fighting for if it makes my husband feel dishonoured or uncomfortable.
I got married, and my ex and I continued to drift apart. It was quite a natural decline in the relationship. We talked once in a while, but never frequently. My husband never forbade me from seeing him, even though he neither likes nor trusts my ex. We went out for coffee one last time before my husband and I moved to Calgary, and it was so awkward. I sat there and asked about my exes life, his job, his family, and the women in his life, and I got nothing in return. He asked me briefly about my music career, but that was about it. He didn't ask about how life is, he pried into a relationship with a friend that I needed to cut off and didn't want to talk about, but what got me the most upset is that he never once asked about my husband. He didn't care to ask about the love of my life, the man that makes me most happy. He may not even remember that, but I remember it so clearly. I went home, told my husband how awkward and frustrating that last hang out was, and no longer made time for him. Not that he was a large priority in the first place, but I determined that if that was how the relationship would be, if I was the only one that would sit there and ask questions and be interested and invest my time intentionally, then it was not worth it. We didn't talk for a long time.
I messaged my ex recently, with the permission of my husband, and told him that I am curious about how he is, and apologized for a couple things that I never apologized for. I told him that I care about his life, and he basically said "actions speak louder than words, and when you have a million things on the go and no time for an old friend, I don't feel like you care". That seems utterly ridiculous to me. For him to expect that I would make him a higher priority, and spend more time pursuing a friendship with him is completely unrealistic.
Is there a scenario when exes can be friends? Maybe. But as long as mine doesn't have the respect of the man I respect the most, then no. Can we touch in and out of each other's live, say hello once in a while? Absolutely. But I am not willing to give any more than that.
Below is a video that I found today. It's a relationship in pictures. I just love the last line.
http://vimeo.com/4131811
Isn't it funny that you can know someone inside out, and then suddenly, they just become an image, a bullet-point, a blip.
-SP
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