Love Is...

Have you ever watched The Bachelor? Even if you haven't, I'm sure you know the premise of the show by now. Several women pine after one guy, going on ridiculously romantic dates that serve to promote the ladies to fall for him while he falls for multiple girls. Time and time again after the one-on-one dates, the girl who was chosen to go says she feels so special, like the only one in the world, until he goes on a date with another girl in the house. It's so funny to watch, it almost seems like no part of it can be true, because who would be so brave/stupid to go on a show like that?

I will admit, the idea of being wooed with grand romantic gestures is very appealing. Being surprised with a helicopter ride that takes my beau and I to a secluded, scenic area where we can picnic and horseback ride on the beach would be absolutely wonderful. However, I would think that it would be very disappointing to get back to real life, where he won't have the disposable income for helicopters and private tours of wineries, and impromptu concerts by today's biggest bands.

A friend of mine sent me an article the other day. You can read it here. The author asks if romantic movies are ruining real relationships (I would also ask that of shows like The Bachelor). It goes on to talk about a scientific study that was done that says yes, they do. But I could have told you that without science. I grew up watching, and falling in love with, romantic movies. I would dream about being swept off my feet by a tall, dark and handsome man who would pursue me all the days of my life. Actually, there was a time when it felt like my relationship at the time was right out of a movie script. There were dramatic scenes with me running down the stairs and him coming after me, trying to get me to stay but I kept going. There were dramatic conversations and kisses and I often would tell friends that it felt as if my life were scripted, like someone had come in and written this captivating story, only that rather than observing, I was the main character. Let me tell you, it's not all it's cracked up to be, and that story didn't have a happy ending.

Then I met my husband, and he did pursue me intensely. He wanted me to know that he cared for me, and he showed me in both simple and elaborate ways. But as we settled into our relationship with each other and go more secure in our love, things began to change. I started to overlook the small things that he had always done for me because he didn't do the big things as much. It's not even that he didn't do them as often as he used to, just not as often as I wanted him to. I realized months back that I have a skewed view on what love looks like in action. I became so free when I became aware of how high my expectations were. I do want to make it abundantly clear that I did not settle. My husband is still the most romantic person that I know, and does things daily to ensure that I know how loved I am by him. But love now doesn't look the same as love when you're two weeks into being together.

Love is a choice, not a feeling. It's an effort, not something that just happens. Love gets easier over time, but it takes practice. I once thought that what was in the movies is love, but that's just one small part of it. Yes, that part is important, but love is so much more beautiful than what is shown in movies. It's deeper, stronger, more committed, more perfect. I would never trade real love for the Hollywood substitute.

-SP