I have written about this in part before. I dated this guy in high school. He seemed mature and ready to commit to a relationship. Perhaps he was, but we wanted different things from the beginning, and instead of me standing up for myself and telling him what I really wanted, I tried to change and bend to him and what he wanted so that he wouldn't leave. It was all this desperate attempt to be loved and valued, but I don't think he ever knew who I really was. And in the meantime, I put all my self-worth in him, in this human, imperfect man who could never be my sole source of fulfillment. That's not his place, just like it's not my husband's place. I know that now, but I sure didn't then.
My life after we broke up was so melancholy and dramatic. It seemed like every day, I was going to school and telling my friends about something else that happened, or another memory I was trying to forget, or another conversation we had. I would take the bus home or to work, and depending on where I was going my bus stop could be literally right outside his house. I would peer over at the window out the corner of my eye, hoping to catch a glimpse of him watching me. It might be some indication that he still cared for me.
He started dating someone else a couple months after we broke up, but our relationship was one of those; it clearly wasn't over. I felt like he kept stringing me along. He asked me to wait for him, whilst he dated this other girl. I felt like I was better than her. I felt I was better for him. I felt like he was missing out, and this other woman was to blame for us not being together. He deepened his relationship with her, and I slowly started to lose grip. At one time, I was content to wait. I would do anything he asked as long as it meant that in the end, he would be with me again. I wanted to marry him, I wanted to have his children, I thought that he completed me. And then I saw them together.
She loved him. She loved him so much. It was written all over her face. And he loved her back. I tried to convince myself that he loved me more, that our bond was stronger, but I was jealous and exhausted of waiting and the constant games. I told him soon after that I was done waiting. And he chose her. I was devastated. I wrote songs and I talked more frequently with friends. I told and retold stories, and relied heavily on the negative comments that any one may have about him for closure.
They broke up some time later. Him and I hadn't talked in a while. I'm a little sparse on some details, this was a long time ago and truly it all feels like a blur. Everything kind of melts together. He called me after they broke up. I was happy and confused. But I wasn't nearly as cautious as I should have been. We went on a few dates, I began to invest in him again no matter how hurt I was. I thought I needed him, so I was glad for the opportunity to have him in my life again. But he wasn't done with this other girl, either. They saw each other a couple times because of circumstance, and they kissed. I couldn't handle it anymore. We ended it, this time for good (I think). I remember being on MSN with him a little while after, and he asked me something that made it very easy to put him in the past. And while it did take a while, I was done with that time of life. He continued to date the other woman, and they were together for two years.
Doesn't it kind of sound like The Bachelor? I loved this man, as deeply as a 16 year old can, and still he chose someone else over me. I invested in this man. I let him in further than I had ever let anyone in before. And I was jealous for him. I thought I was the best, and I remember telling myself "he is missing out. I am better than her". But I quickly learned that is the worst attitude to have. One should not be so full of himself. Later, after we were done with the relationship, I got to know his new girlfriend. She is a peach, and I adored her. She was so good for him, I think, much better than I was. In the small time that we were acquaintences, I learned about her from both my ex and what she told me. And she is seriously a very beautiful person, one that I was blessed to know for a period of my life. It was then that I started to do some serious soul searching. This woman that I once despised, for no fault of her own, was wonderful and kind. She took an interest in me, and I in her. I wished that she could have been a friend of mine, for I think she would have been loyal and supportive. I told myself, and had others tell me, that I was so much better for him than she was. But I really don't think that I was. She seemed so much more beautiful and perfect for him than I. And I still think that.
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| The prince who charmed me |
I read some books, prayed, and sought the counsel of wise and objective friends. My whole outlook changed on the entire situation, and I think that it was because of my dilligence that I never made the same break-up mistakes again. Yes, I went on to kiss a lot of frogs, but when it didn't work out I left with little resentment and poise.
The new season of The Bachelor has started, and already, in the first episode, when these women have absolutely no clue who he is, let alone who the other women are, and the girls who have been ousted have said "he is missing out. I am better than half those girls in there." No! There is a reason that you weren't chosen to go on. You are released to find the man that is meant for you, and he is released to find his princess. It is a blessing. I pray that one day they will know that, like I do.
It took me a while to find my prince, and when I did I was glad that the frogs let me go so that I could find him.
-SP
1 comments:
Wow Stephanie, this blog was really great. I am going through something similar right now and reading your blog has actually put a lot into perspective for me. I needed that today bc I am starting to doubt myself and my actions. Thank you :) I am now a follower.
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