Facebook Part 2: Addicted

I confess, facebook has taken over my life. Now, I will preface this by saying that I am quite aware that I have an addictive personality. I find a game I like, I play until I can't stand it. I am easily drawn into reality television, even especially the trashy stuff. When I get on the bandwagon, one would be hard pressed to get me off. But facebook is a whole new breed.


I check it when I get up using my blackberry, I check it on the laptop before leaving for work, I look at it several times at work using my phone, get on it when I get home, and then again before bed. And for what? It's as if I expect that there will be something life altering, something that will add to my quality of life or answer all my big questions, or make me feel at peace. But after being on facebook for a few years, I can quite truthfully say that that has never happened.


So what is the draw? Perhaps it is the open invitation to snoop. I would classify myself as a facebook creeper. If someone I know is on there, but we aren't "friends", I will check out their page hoping that they have minimal privacy settings so that I might get a glimpse at some photos.  Maybe it's candid hilarity of facebook statuses. I love my witty friends, they make me laugh with their ridiculous statements. Maybe it's the ease of staying in contact. I moved cities recently, so a lot of my friends, and the bulk of my family, live three hours away. Sending a message or posting on their wall is a simple way of showing those people that I love them and am thinking of them. Whatever it is, or whatever combination of the above it is, I am hooked.


Now, this is making me sound really bad when in all actuality I have greatly lessened my addiction and have improved my face-to-face interaction with real live people. But I wonder how and why I got so wrapped up in this internet culture in the first place. Sometimes I feel comforted knowing that I am not the only one, but at the same time I think "oh man, I am not the only one!" Is this social network more dangerous than we thought and are willing to admit?

At the beach in Punta Cana, not on facebook

As with any addiction, I need accountability, My husband has been helping me see lately that I use it way too much. I simply stare at the screen, look through the same statuses several times, and then give up. But it doesn't deserve that much attention or time. No matter how much I may think that spending time on facebook is helping, it may actually be the biggest, most obvious hindrance to deepening my relationships. I need to keep that in check.


No excuse me while I go post the blog on facebook...haha.


-SP

Starbucks Gold Card

My coveted Gold Card

I got my Starbucks gold card in the mail this week. It was exciting! I opened up the note that enclosed my designer Starbucks card and read how much I am appreciated by Starbucks for being such a loyal, registered client, and the next day I went out and put a balance on it. I am 17 drinks away from automatic renewel of my gold star status for another year! Exciting!

It's weird how something so trivial made me feel so important. It's just a card with my name on it, it's not like it's made of real gold. But being recognised as not just a customer but a valued client made me feel good. It doesn't matter to me that the only reason I have reached that point is because I get Starbucks nearly every day; I would regardless of whether or not I had a Starbucks card. Maybe it's a free rewards, maybe it's the free birthday drinks, and free drink every 15 stars (stars = purchases). But maybe it's just because I feel important. Maybe it's the odd pleasure I get from not just passing on any old card to my barrista, but my gold card with my name on it and everything!

You're probably thinking that I'm crazy by now. You may be right. But I think the point is this: people love to made to feel important. I love feeling like I am single-handedly keeping my local Brittania Plaza starbucks afloat, and then getting a card that recognises my patronage. My husband loves it when I tell him that he is a great provider, and I couldn't be where I am today without him. People love knowing that they are respected by their significant others, their colleagues, their friends, and their families. We all love feeling as if we are performing an important service for someone, whether it be paying for dinner, bringing home a pay cheque, or cleaning the house.

So do just that. Make the people that you love feel important and respected. Tell them, write to them, do things for them without them asking, speak to them in whatever love language they resonate with. You will be rewarded greatly.

-SP

Facebook Part 1: "Friends"

This is another blog that I began writing, and then realized that I had a few very distinct and complex thoughts, so here is number one.

I cleaned up my facebook over a year ago. I went through all my facebook friends, deleted the people that I didn't talk to or have a working, real life relationship with. It was freeing. I didn't feel so weird about posting pictures anymore, because only the people who knew me and were part of my life could see them. I changed all my privacy settings so that you couldn't add me as a friend unless we had friends in common, and all my wall posts and pictures are completely private unless you have permission to view them. If you reached this blog via my facebook page, it is because you are my friend :).

I determined who I would keep and who I wouldn't by history. Have I seen you in the last year? 50 friends gone. Who, out of the people remaining, have I spoken to using facebook in the past three months? Another 25. With the remainder, I asked who am I not inviting to my wedding and why? That took care of the rest of them. I now go through and delete people on a very regular basis. If I am not interested in your life, and you are not interested in mine, you get the boot. That statement takes care of all the exceptions to the first three rules. For example, I have students on there from when I was a youth leader. I don't see or talk to them all the time, but I am interested in their lives, both in what they are doing, and how God is working in them.

But lately I have been struggling with my own convictions. What is the purpose of facebook in my relationships? Maybe it isn't to keep up on someone's life. If it weren't for the fact that I post my blogs to my facebook page, no one would have a super clear idea about what my life is like right now, and even with the blog my thoughts are broad and abstract and not usually based in specific experiences. Maybe more friends would just drum up traffic.

I got all reminiscent last night. I connected with an old friend of mine. We worked together at my first job. He was (and still is) my bro. I adore him. He was one of the people that got the axe in my deletion hay day. I told him yesterday that I wish we had kept in touch, because it would have been a no brainer to have him at my wedding. I looked through his friends, and checked out the pages of some of the other people that I used to work with. I wondered if I should abandon all my convictions about facebook and its uses, and just add all of them, give them a window into my life because I wanted a window into theirs.

Friends, not "friends"

I didn't in the end, knowing that my conscience would eventually get the best of me, more likely sooner than later, and I would unfriend them all over again. But sometimes I wonder if I am missing out on something by being so stringent. I always say that I want to live; live each day to the fullest, do things, say things, make mistakes, apologize, and succeed at whatever I do big or small. Am I not living, or missing out on a part of life because I deny more friend requests than I accept?

A part of me says yes, and another says no. I don't get to see pictures, or hear baby news or engagement stories from all these people. I don't see their lives progress and change from any angle, not even one so limited as facebook. But at the same time, we aren't going to anymore apart of one another's lives by being 'friends'. I think that, at least for now, I will forgo the blog traffic, and just keep the people on there that I want to share life with. But I always wonder if that is the right decision.

-SP

My Birthday Issue



Us at our going away party before moving to Calgary

 I will be 22 years old in a few short weeks. 22. Crazy. My husband recenly turned 25, so there has been a lot of celebrating happening in our household for the past little while. I love planning things for him. I love entertaining friends, I love having a few drinks and playing card games, I love cooking for guests, I love planning surprises, I love buying/making gifts, I love it all. Birthdays are really an excuse for me to do all of the above. It's my own birthday that I take issue with.

I grew up in a big family. I am the oldest of six kids. I love my siblings to death and there were so many awesome benefits of growing up with so many great friends in one house, but because we were halfway to our own hockey team, we didn't have a lot. We didn't do much for birthdays. If I wanted something done, I had to plan it, I had to figure it out. I hated to doing that. I don't like having to ask my friends to come and celebrate me. It seems weird, and I always wonder afterwards if they would have come out if I hadn't called them and asked them to. Am I important enough?

Since my husband has known me, I have always told him that I don't like birthdays. To be more specific, I don't like my own birthday. I don't mind growing older, I don't feel unaccomplished, I just don't like the festivities. I don't like being the centre of attention (unless I'm on stage), I don't like deciding what to do or where to go, I don't like having to think of gift ideas for myself, I just don't like it. I like a small dinner with one or two friends, and that's it. I don't even celebrate with my family most of the time.

I have been wondering what this disdain is rooted in. I always just brush it off and say something like "it's just a day", or "I just don't want to do anything". Is that what I really think, or is it deeper than that? Hmmm...

-SP

The Ex Factor

Phil and Sebastian's coffee! Best latte in the city!

Is it possible to be friends with an ex? This is something that I have wrestled with over the years with one person in particular. At the place I am at today, I think it's possible to be acquaintances who pop in and out of each other's lives once in a while, but I wouldn't want to be 'friends'.

I dated a guy in high school. For those readers who knew me then, you know what a mess that was, especially after we broke up. Us parting ways lead to very dramatic, roller coaster life in my final year of school before graduating. I felt like I was in a movie; my life was unpredictable and over romanticized. It was ridiculous.

We broke up and eventually grew up. I realized that he was never 'the one' and after a long time we were able to maintain some contact without feeling the need to try again. I guess I can really only speak for myself in all of this. I don't know him well enough to know for sure that he has moved forward and has realized all these same things for me.

I met my husband, we started seeing each other and very quickly we both knew that we would be together forever. My ex and I would still go out for coffee once in a while, or catch each other online and chat for a few minutes. I had a full-disclosure policy with my husband, meaning that every single conversation, intentional or spur of the moment, was communicated at length and in full detail to my husband. I never wanted him to ever feel like I was hiding something from him, especially when it came to an old flame. I always gave my husband the option to say "no, Steph, I'm not comfortable with you going for coffee/sending a message to him," and have always been ready to cut off ties should my husband ever decide he would like me to. My husband is my absolute first priority. No relationship, especially one with my ex, is worth fighting for if it makes my husband feel dishonoured or uncomfortable.

I got married, and my ex and I continued to drift apart. It was quite a natural decline in the relationship. We talked once in a while, but never frequently. My husband never forbade me from seeing him, even though he neither likes nor trusts my ex. We went out for coffee one last time before my husband and I moved to Calgary, and it was so awkward. I sat there and asked about my exes life, his job, his family, and the women in his life, and I got nothing in return. He asked me briefly about my music career, but that was about it. He didn't ask about how life is, he pried into a relationship with a friend that I needed to cut off and didn't want to talk about, but what got me the most upset is that he never once asked about my husband. He didn't care to ask about the love of my life, the man that makes me most happy. He may not even remember that, but I remember it so clearly. I went home, told my husband how awkward and frustrating that last hang out was, and no longer made time for him. Not that he was a large priority in the first place, but I determined that if that was how the relationship would be, if I was the only one that would sit there and ask questions and be interested and invest my time intentionally, then it was not worth it. We didn't talk for a long time.

I messaged my ex recently, with the permission of my husband, and told him that I am curious about how he is, and apologized for a couple things that I never apologized for. I told him that I care about his life, and he basically said "actions speak louder than words, and when you have a million things on the go and no time for an old friend, I don't feel like you care". That seems utterly ridiculous to me. For him to expect that I would make him a higher priority, and spend more time pursuing a friendship with him is completely unrealistic.

Is there a scenario when exes can be friends? Maybe. But as long as mine doesn't have the respect of the man I respect the most, then no. Can we touch in and out of each other's live, say hello once in a while? Absolutely. But I am not willing to give any more than that.

Below is a video that I found today. It's a relationship in pictures. I just love the last line.

http://vimeo.com/4131811

Isn't it funny that you can know someone inside out, and then suddenly, they just become an image, a bullet-point, a blip.

-SP

For You, My Friends

I have lately seen the decline of many relationships. By lately, I mean in the past few years. I knew that once high school was over, I wouldn't keep in touch with even half of the people that I regularly hung out with, and so it was easy to accept when friends turned into acquaintances, and acquaintances turned into complete strangers. I am not so concerned with those as I am the relationships that I have more deliberately tested and left behind.

One of my dearest, closest friends

In the more recent past, I have not just drifted away from some people who were once close to me, but have also deliberately and clearly severed all ties. Telling someone that was once in a position of honour in your life that they can no longer occupy that space is not fun. Those conversations amounted to some of the most difficult talks I have ever had. They did occur for good reason; I don't regret the decision to 'break-up' with those people, as that has turned out to be the best, healthiest decision. But I do sometimes wonder if things could have been different.

Myself and my ladybugs at my besties's wedding

It is futile to wonder that, though, and I have truly been blessed beyond measure. In the times when I felt the biggest voids in my heart, those places were filled with better people. For the first time since I was in elementary school, I have two very close female friends that I call my best. We make time for each other, we trust each other, we have real conversations, we love each other no matter what. Nothing can replace that. I also cut ties with a family member. But in the time when I was most broken, God gave me a surrogate and really showed me how good that relationship could be. I have been extremely lucky.

My siblings and I. Gosh I love them!

From all those nights I was awake in bed, from all the tears I cried, from all the wrestling with myself, there has come peace and love and joy. God really honoured my faith, and gave me more than I could have imagined and asked for. For my friends, I am so thankful, and for my family, and those of you that I call my family, I am grateful. Nothing can replace you, because you have replaced all that was toxic. I so love you.

-SP

The Definition Of Success

My husband turned 25 on Saturday. For the past month or so, I would make make mention of how he is getting old, and that he will be a quarter century old soon. Most of the time he laughed, sometimes he got a little bit nostalgic, but often he didn't seem to think about the comment.


We went out to one of our favourite pubs for dinner on Friday night and awaited some of our friends that would join us for drinks later. We sat, ate, talked about our days, watched the hockey and football games that were on, and then he asked me."Do you think I have something to show myself, for my life?" What a great question.


I quickly answered "of course you do" without really thinking through my response. We sat in silence (and by silence, I mean we didn't speak, but the bar was loud enough for it to not be an uncomfortable silence). Then I said what I really meant to say. "I think it's all about how you define success. If success to you is wealth and a career, than no. But if it is happiness, and you are truly as happy as you say you are, then you have everything."

My hubby and I

I think that is the truth. By the world's definition of success, we may have nothing. Neither of us are settled into our careers. I am getting ready to go to school, so really, at almost 22 years old I have barely started. We don't own a home, we are in debt, we don't have kids, and we share a vehicle. By all accounts, we haven't reached this elusive success that we see a lot of people striving for. But I would never say that we, or our friends who are in similar situations, are unsuccessful. My husband and I are happy, healthy, stable, and growing. We love each other more deeply daily, we are learning, we are not above reproach with each other or our friends. We have amazing friendships and support of our families. We are full! 


To me, that is far better. To be full is far greater. All the rest will come later, in due time, when it is right. How do you define success?


-SP

The Hair Cut That Changes Everything

I just got a hair cut. Usually that means that I would get a few inches taken off, and my bob would be reshaped a bit. I did that for nearly eight years. I decided to get something drastically different this time. Inspired by Rhianna, it's edgy, dark in color with blonde patches. It is awesome! I feel like a brand new person. All because of a haircut? Maybe not. But that was the catalyst, I think.

New hair!!!

I was bored. I was bored with my routine, bored with my clothes, my hair, my makeup. Nothing was fun about getting up in the morning. So I changed it. I bought some new clothes, got my hair cut and colored, colored my nails a dark red (quite contrasting to the french manicure or nude polish that has always been on them) and got a pedicure. I went to bed as Stephanie P, and woke up as someone almost entirely different; sassy, strong, confident, and beautiful. Maybe that was me all along, but now I see it. Now I see what my husband sees.

And again!

It's weird how it has been all of a sudden. I feel like my exterior matches my interior. I feel more free to be myself, because everything is so congruent and vibrant and new. I wish it were always this simple to feel so great life. Regrettably, this isn't the norm. It's not usually a few new clothes and some time at the salon that stomps out self-worth issues. Having issues with image is usually deeply rooted in other things, not just a need to modernize one's wardrobe. It concerns me that young girls I have mentored and known may seek to better their outward appearance in an attempt to mask the inward hurt or shame. That is no way to live.

I am glad for this minor transformation in me. After three and a half years of transforming my heart and mind, I got to really reward myself with a simple hair cut, and I can honestly say that it's not an attempt to hide anything, it's the icing. Five years ago, it may have been to divert attention away from a heart that was clearly broken and hurting. But today, I am moving toward becoming whole. Today is a great day.

-SP

Monster Under The Bed

My husband woke up this morning, worried and visibly shaken. He rolled over in bed after the first alarm, held onto me tightly, his forehead pressing into my back, and said that he had a bad dream. I could tell that this one really hit home.

I asked him what it was about, and he shrugged his shoulder. He didn't want to talk about it, and I wasn't about to push him to tell me. I just let him move closer into me, and tried to be the calm, safe space that I knew he needed. He would tell me eventually, when he was ready to. A few minutes later, all he said was "just please don't ever divorce me". I promised that I was committed forever, and he relaxed.

We got up and started our days. I took a shower, he made lunch, and just before he was ready to leave for work I asked him what his dream was about. He told me that in his dream, we had just bought our first house together. Our best friends, who also happen to be married, were over, and I very calmly told my husband that I was done, and that getting married was a mistake. All my things were already in boxes, so I was ready to go at any time. Our friend, I'll call him Jack, was nervous and uncomfortable and on my husband's side, trying to help him get me to stay. Our friend's wife, we'll call her Jill, was nonchalant and indifferent, and told me to just go if I wanted to. If it was right for me, then it had to be right.

I don't know how his dream ended, but I do know that I would wake up disturbed and afraid too. My imagination has the ability to scare me when I don't have control of it. And even when I do, there have been times when I have let it get carried away. This is a terribly unlikely scenario. First, we would never discuss the serious matters of our marriage in the presence of other people, even our best of friends. Second, Jack and Jill wouldn't sit idly by. They know us better than most people and we are in committed accountability relationships with each other. Jill would never encourage me to just leave. She loves me, and she loves my husband. That just wouldn't happen. And lastly, marriage is a life thing. I only want to do it once, and I am so happy with who I chose. There isn't anyone out there who could love me better than he does. He is truly wonderful.

Napping with Scrappy

So why do we dream such terrible things? Is it based in a real fear? Maybe something that we aren't aware of? Is my husband, whom I love with my whole heart, and whom I tell that to every single day really afraid that I would leave him? I sure hope not. His rational, awake mind would never conjure such a scenario, so is this all just irrational, or is there something deeper? I don't know...I wish I had all the answers. I think back to my first nightmare. It was something that scared me for years. I jumped on and off my bed in the dark because I was so scared of what was underneath. Is this the adult version of the monster under the bed? I prefer the childhood ones.

-SP

I Will Wear Purple

Bullying has been all over the news lately. There have been six well-publicised, documented cases of kids committing suicide because of harassment in recent months.This is outrageous. How many cases are going unreported? How many kids are being harassed and belittled on a daily basis still? I think that until recently people have just brushed off this issue, saying that it's what kids do...they tease each other. But what will it take for every person to open their eyes to the damage that "teasing" can do? How many more kids and teens need to die?

Today, I wear purple in honour of those kids, and in expectation of change. This is unacceptable. I was teased when I was a kid, right up until I was in high school, and it was terrible. My brother was chased home by kids down the block, I was pushed to the ground by a girl that lived across the street. It was hell. I hated going to school, I didn't trust my friends, and I certainly don't miss those days now. I was never harassed to the horrible end that these students have been, but I do not look back on those days with fondness. Not in the slightest.

But the thing is this. Some groups of people are justifying the bullying. I was on facebook the other day, where I first learned of today's wear purple movement, and the hate comments made me sick. If you are not aware, the latest student to commit suicide was gay, and he died after he was outed in a most embarrassing way on the internet. He was so shamed, that his only way out of his life, once he had been outed as gay, was to kill himself. That is not right. I was on this facebook page, glad for the movement, and these people who called themselves 'christians' were writing hate comments towards the gay community. One went so far to say that everyone should get their shotguns and shoot everyone who is gay, and then quoted a verse in Leviticus that says that anyone who engages in homosexual activity should be put to death. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

I call myself a Christian. I believe that Jesus is my Lord and Savior, and that He has given me grace and mercy beyond comprehension so that I may be with Him one day in heaven, and after seeing those comments I was ashamed to be associated with that person, with that group of people who say they are condemning in the name of Jesus. It disgusts me. Please don't get me wrong. I am not ashamed of my relationship with Christ. I am just ashamed of the name 'christian' and the negative connotations that it has.

I do not hate homosexuals, just like I don't hate Muslims, or murderers, or adulterers, or liars, or abusers. I have gone through an amazing, real transformation in my life and can honestly say that all is forgivable, and anyone can be changed by the Spirit of God. I believe that with everything in me. I do not accept or condone the sin, but I will never hate the sinner. Jesus' life was the greatest example of love. He sat with tax collectors and prostitutes and taught love, and held His followers to a high standard. I am grieved to my core that in this time of blatant crisis, 'christians' choose hate. That's not Christ like in the least.

What Christ is to one of my youth kids

Today, I wear purple in support of the families of those students who committed suicide. I wear purple as a declaration of the need for change. I wear purple to support the movement, not the means by which the last student met his end. I wear purple because I love, and am grieving the loss of those kids with the rest of the world. I wear purple because I think Jesus would.

-SP

The Technological Age

Every morning I wake up to my alarm on my cell phone. I sleepily roll over, hit the snooze button and lay half asleep in bed for the next ten minutes before the alarm interrupts my rest again. Then I get on my blackberry, make sure I haven't missed any phone calls or text messages overnight, then check my facebook to see what my night owl friends were up to while I was dreaming. By this time, my husband has usually left for the house, and I get in the shower and start getting ready for work.

When I get out and am almost ready to go, I pour myself a bowl of cereal and sit down in front of my laptop. I check my emails, as it is likely that I would have gotten one or two, update my facebook status if I am feeling so inspired, grab my phone and get going to work. My husband has usually by now sent me my morning text message telling me how much he loves me (he says he never wants me to a go a minute thinking otherwise, and he does an amazing job of showing me in small ways like this). I get in the car, call my husband on my way to work to leave him a similar message, and then focus on getting to work in a timely fashion.

I arrive to work a couple minutes early, get logged into my computer and answer any emails I may have gotten outside of work hours. I check my bank accounts to make sure there hasn't been any strange activity and monitor bills going out and money coming in and our purchases. I read some articles on Digg.com if I have time, and if I don't I get logged into whatever program I need to get my work done and get my day started.

I spend the next eight hours doing various types of data entry, from meeting minutes to entering invoices. I scan to email, make photocopies, send a few faxes, enter invoices, update spreadsheets and send emails, and I blog in my breaks and spare time. By the time five o'clock hits, I am sick of sitting in one place and looking at the same screens for hours at a time. I need a break.

I get in my car and commence the commute home. It usually takes about fourty-five minutes in bad traffic, so I'm waltzing in at just before six in the evening. I get dinner on the table, check on laundry, and then plop myself on the couch, again in front of the laptop. I add pictures to my blogs, check how many people are reading, send out facebook updates, comment on photos and wall posts, and then watch a couple episodes of the television show my husband and I are working on.

I might go work out, but it's more likely that I will pop in a CD and do some vocal warm ups. I'll go run some errands, wait for my husband to get home, at which time we watch TV together and snuggle up on the couch. We might play some card games, have a glass of wine, jam in the living room or do some recording, but our evenings at home aren't very eventful. They are honestly few and far between as our lives have been extraordinarily busy (we're certainly don't have opportunities to sit and watch TV every night). But when we do have down time, we choose to spend our time together doing something that we don't need to engage each other for.

We'll do our final email/facebook checks, and I'll check my blog again or edit a new post, and then we'll go to bed at which time we might tag team a game on my husband's iPhone for twenty minutes or so before checking that our alarms are set and turning out the light. But for the past few days we have had one huge gaping hole in our lives...our laptop is in for service. Our lifeline is gone. No more morning email checks, no blogging from the comfort of my couch, no TV (we don't currently have cable), no facebook, no music, nothing.

We finally had a day off together. We wanted to go downtown and window shop, but upon arriving we found that most stores and restaurants are closed on Sundays, except for those in the mall that we had already explored completely before. We went out for lunch, and then went home and had an exceptionally difficult time just being together, without using our phones and without the internet to occupy ourselves when we got bored or the silence was too much to handle. It was eye opening.

My husband is my entire world. I love him with my whole heart, and there is never a moment that either of us let the other forget that. He is my absolute best friend. So why was it so hard to just spend a day with my best friend? I am the first to complain when life gets in the way and we go three or four evenings without spending real, quality time together, and I finally got that opportunity and had him all to myself and the whole time I was wondering when we would get our laptop back. This seems completely backwards to me.

My husband, myself, and his defective phone

I feel that we, as a society, in this technological age, have become much too dependant on technology. It shouldn't be what drives us. We shouldn't need all of this in order to have a relationship with other people. Quality time shouldn't be in front of a TV screen. I am a bad example of letting fancy gadgets and the internet get in the way of spending actual time. I need to stop wasting my hours on facebook, and spend them doing things. I need to go for more walks, read the newspaper that is at the cafe instead of bringing my laptop or resorting to my blackberry. I need to play more sports, do more exercise, go discover places in this new home city of mine that I have never been. I need to live my life, and not just be another IP address.

The question is...how? All I have ever known is this. How do I leave all these vices that mask themselves as needs and really, truly, freely just be? How would you do it?

What would you do if you were me?

-SP

The End - Part 2

I love weddings! I think that they are one of the most beautiful things that we get to witness and be part of. Often, as I sit waiting for the grand entrance of the bride, I contemplate my own wedding, and all the events leading up to and during that day. What was I thinking? What was I doing? What was I feeling?

In order to make sense, I must start from the beginning. My husband proposed to me in November of 2008. I knew it was coming. We were always a sure thing. The excitement of the engagement set in, and we started planning; planning the engagement dinners in our respective home cities with our families, and planning the wedding.

We learned a lot about each other in that period of our relationship. I am a superb organizer, but I hate planning, and the more things that piled onto my shoulders, the more stressed I got. I don't handle stress in my personal life very well, but my husband was a rock. He kept me grounded and calm as best he could, and I became more and more thankful for him every day. He was so consistent, and I was so all over the map. Opposites really do attract.

As we got closer to the day, the stress began to build even more. We had some major family issues that we were sifting through, along with financial woes and so many things that needed to get finished all at once. Our relationship was being challenged and each day we pulled through, although we were tired and desperate for a break. And then the day came.

The day went by so quickly as a whole, but leading up to walking down the aisle, the minutes passed by at a sluggish pace. I awoke the morning of our wedding refreshed and rested, even though I had gotten but a few hours of sleep at best. I met my bridesmaids at the salon where we all got our hair done, anticipation continuing to build, and excitement reaching a high. We got into our limo and continued on to the church where we would get our makeup done and get into our dresses.

I sat in the chair, peaking out the windows on the top floor at guests who were arriving early. My bridesmaids got into their dresses, eagerly waiting the time when they would help me get into mine. My mom arrived, and with the photographer there to catch every moment, I put on my dress and watched in the mirror as it was being tied up.

At the top of the stairs, waiting

I felt beautiful. I knew I was ready. I had spent ten months and all my energy preparing for this moment. Then the emotion hit me. I was cool as a cucumber until my brothers arrived, ready to walk me down the aisle to my future. Then I was contemplative and quiet...not nervous or anxious, just quiet. My spirit was humbled by this amazing ceremony I was about to partake in.

I stood at the top of the stairs, waiting for the bridal party to enter. You could feel every person's excitement. It was this palpable energy emanating from the sanctuary. And then it was my turn. My brothers situated themselves up the aisle, ready for me to come in and give them each a kiss on the cheek and tearful hug. It was time. Finally.

My mortality has been the nagging thought at the back of my head. If I am not invincible like I once thought I was, then that must also mean that the people I love the most are also inching their way to the ends of their lives. But what if we rethought death? What if it wasn't the end, but it truly was the beginning? I know, how cliche of me to say that. But seriously, what if it was the beginning of the best part of our lives, and all the life that we live today is the build up to that moment?

There is a large flaw in this metaphor. No one knows when they are going to die, as they do know when they will get married. Some know when they are getting close, like in old age and poor health. But we can't know for sure. But maybe that's ok. Maybe death is not something that I need to fear, but rather something that I can be silently excited for. Don't get me wrong, I am not about to squander this life. This entire blog is about living life to the fullest, in full colour, not missing out on anything big or small. And I won't live each day in anticipation of the end, but when it is my time, I can be at peace knowing that the end of my life is not really the end at all, but the beginning. What a relieving realisation.

-SP

16 And Pregnant

Venti Berryblossom tea misto (or tea latte), non-fat, sugar-free vanilla

I went to Starbucks today, as I usually do during my lunch break. I love Starbucks. I love the atmosphere, the coffee, the free Wifi, and the alone time. I like being anonymous, other than the fact that I am a regular, and the staff at the Starbucks I frequent knows what to get started when I enter the building. I like watching people interact with each other, not knowing that someone is observing; it's sometimes funny what you see. And today was different.

The coffee house was buzzing! There were grandparents there with their infant grandchild, the grandfather sitting sleepily, his eyes barely open, and the grandmother in her home made sweater, curled hair and white dangling earrings looked at the baby with admiration and love. There was an older couple, neither with wedding rings on, talking quietly in the corner. There were business people with their laptops, coffee in one hand reports in the other. But what stuck out to me the most were the kids.

There must be a school nearby. Three teenage girls sat in the coffee shop, talking, giggling, just being girls, and as I left, five more came charging in my direction, laughing and making jokes, one with her lunchbox in hand. What was so exciting? What were they talking about? I tried to think back to when I was that age. I couldn't be separated from my girlfriends. But I went to a rural school at that age, so we couldn't have outings like this. We would talk about boys, about teachers, about how unreasonable our parents were, about all the things we wanted to do but couldn't because we didn't have a car...is that still the same? Is the innocence of youth still prevalent?

This world is changing quickly. Ten years ago, there wouldn't be reality television highlighting teen pregnancy, and there wouldn't be shows like that now if it was not a large, controversial issue in our society. Don't get me wrong, I am not judging families that are dealing with the loss of innocence of their children...that is not for me to criticize. I just don't understand how we got here. My heart breaks for these children and their parents.


I'm not really sure how my wandered here, but it's something that I have considered a lot in the past few years. My sister is 14. I can't imagine her doing anymore than giggling with her friends about a boy she likes, and I hope that it stays that way for a while longer. I guess it scares me that this issue is becoming accepted as the norm. What I mean is, I grew up in an unhealthy environment. I know it doesn't take much for a young girl to seek solace in the things of this world when she isn't being loved in the way a child should be. I think that that is the bigger problem than teen pregnancy, and teen pregnancy is just the cover that people hide behind because they don't want to deal with the root issues. I'm rambling...this is a whole other topic for another time.

I pray that those girls I saw today are able to be kids and enjoy life. And I pray that one day, when I am a mom, my kids will be able to do the same. But what we, as a society, call normal shouldn't be, and one day there will be consequences. These kids are the leaders of tomorrow. Let's build them up so that they can.

Author's Note: My opinion pertains mostly to North American culture. I understand that cultural differences throughout the world may make these thoughts not applicable.

-SP

The End - Part 1

I have been thinking about death lately, both my eventual death and how I may react if/when someone really close to my heart passes away. As I originally began writing, I had so many different things running through my head that I thought it best to split this topic into at least two parts, so that I can try and make sense of it all.


Let me first pose a few questions. What is your biggest fear when it comes to death? Is it how you will die? Is it that your loved ones won't be taken care of? Does it have nothing to do with your own demise at all, and perhaps you fear being left behind? Is it something else entirely? Or would you say that you don't fear death, and all that comes with it?


The Bible talks a lot about death. Do not fear it, God is bigger than it, it can't separate us from His love. But the reality is that I am human, and I do fear it. I sometimes think about how I might die. I sometimes wonder if I would have made a positive impact on people, or if I would be resented. I wonder if my family will be taken care of, and take care of themselves during their grief period in a healthy manner. But my biggest fear is not in me dying; it's in those I love dying.


My husband and I sometimes touch on the subject, and usually I end up in tears...I can't imagine my life without him. I don't know how and when I would move forward and live my life. I don't think I would ever be ready to live my life apart from my life partner. And then I think about my brothers and sister. Two of my brothers have military dreams; one is in the military, and the other is counting down the minutes until he gets to enlist. If I got news one day that one of them was killed in the line of duty, I would be absolutely beside myself. I imagine I would go into a deep depression, not wanting anything to do with friends, going on a solo vacation, and alienate myself from the rest of the world because of the hole in my heart. I fear that I would self-destruct.


I have lived a life of courage and strength far beyond my own. I have been blessed with the counsel of extraordinary friends and mentors. But nothing would scar my heart deeper than losing one of the six people that I love the most, and I'm not sure what it would take to be healed. Perhaps it is the lack of a measuring tool that I fear...there is no formula, no standardized time frame for grief to take it's course.


Then I think about my own death. It would be terrible to die painfully. But that seems far fetched and unlikely to happen. It would be hard to come to terms with a terminal illness, but I would enjoy every day of my short life. I am not afraid of when it is my time. But I rely heavily on the love and affirmation of my siblings and husband...that is not something I could easily live without.

The six people have have my heart entirely

Let me ask again, and feel free to comment.


What is your biggest fear when it comes to death? Is it how you will die? Is it that your loved ones won't be taken care of? Does it have nothing to do with your own demise at all, and perhaps you fear being left behind? Is it something else entirely? Or would you say that you don't fear death, and all that comes with it? Hmmm...


-SP

Cover Letter

Dear internet readers,



A tattoo of my life word

 Love drives me. Music feeds me. My husband breathes life into me. My family is my passion. My friendships are sacred. My heart is usually broken. My life is an example of courage. I hope my life will also be an example of Godly justice. 

I am a gifted writer, except when it's stream of consciousness; then it gets messy and confusing. I write what I want, state where I am at; what hurts, what brings me joy, what fulfills me and what makes me feel empty.

I live my dreams every day. Some days my dreams are extravagant and bigger than words, and other days I dream only of eating chocolate, so I do. I love words. Words are an art. Art is beautiful, and expresses things that I can't because words don't suffice. 

These are the things that I love. I am about authenticity and honesty. I am excited to share what I am learning with you, my friends.

-SP