Monster Under The Bed

My husband woke up this morning, worried and visibly shaken. He rolled over in bed after the first alarm, held onto me tightly, his forehead pressing into my back, and said that he had a bad dream. I could tell that this one really hit home.

I asked him what it was about, and he shrugged his shoulder. He didn't want to talk about it, and I wasn't about to push him to tell me. I just let him move closer into me, and tried to be the calm, safe space that I knew he needed. He would tell me eventually, when he was ready to. A few minutes later, all he said was "just please don't ever divorce me". I promised that I was committed forever, and he relaxed.

We got up and started our days. I took a shower, he made lunch, and just before he was ready to leave for work I asked him what his dream was about. He told me that in his dream, we had just bought our first house together. Our best friends, who also happen to be married, were over, and I very calmly told my husband that I was done, and that getting married was a mistake. All my things were already in boxes, so I was ready to go at any time. Our friend, I'll call him Jack, was nervous and uncomfortable and on my husband's side, trying to help him get me to stay. Our friend's wife, we'll call her Jill, was nonchalant and indifferent, and told me to just go if I wanted to. If it was right for me, then it had to be right.

I don't know how his dream ended, but I do know that I would wake up disturbed and afraid too. My imagination has the ability to scare me when I don't have control of it. And even when I do, there have been times when I have let it get carried away. This is a terribly unlikely scenario. First, we would never discuss the serious matters of our marriage in the presence of other people, even our best of friends. Second, Jack and Jill wouldn't sit idly by. They know us better than most people and we are in committed accountability relationships with each other. Jill would never encourage me to just leave. She loves me, and she loves my husband. That just wouldn't happen. And lastly, marriage is a life thing. I only want to do it once, and I am so happy with who I chose. There isn't anyone out there who could love me better than he does. He is truly wonderful.

Napping with Scrappy

So why do we dream such terrible things? Is it based in a real fear? Maybe something that we aren't aware of? Is my husband, whom I love with my whole heart, and whom I tell that to every single day really afraid that I would leave him? I sure hope not. His rational, awake mind would never conjure such a scenario, so is this all just irrational, or is there something deeper? I don't know...I wish I had all the answers. I think back to my first nightmare. It was something that scared me for years. I jumped on and off my bed in the dark because I was so scared of what was underneath. Is this the adult version of the monster under the bed? I prefer the childhood ones.

-SP