Transformation

A friend of mine posted a very thought provoking status on facebook. What changes us more; the 'death' in our lives, or the 'life' in our lives? Interesting question.

Recently, there have been a few sermons at church pertaining to resurrection, and the old and dead becoming new and alive with purpose and hope. I felt like the pastor was speaking to me alone as I would sit there listening as he described my life to the rest of the congregation without even knowing it. It's like something out of the song Killing Me Softly; he found my letters and read each one aloud. I was stunned. The Lord was stirring me into action not just because I was once dead, and not just because I am alive now, but because I transitioned from utter and awful 'death' into full and beautiful 'life'.

So what changes us more? 'Death' or 'life'? What has changed me more? This is a tough question to answer. I can certainly tell you this. I lived the majority of my life plagued by 'death' and toxicity. It wasn't until the most recent years that I have experienced life, true life, real life. 'Death' did change me. I was suspicious of everyone. My motto for years was "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer." And I firmly believed in that. I was the most inauthentic version of myself for 18 years. I didn't trust people, and when I did offer a small amount of trust in good faith, I was still extremely guarded and only shared the parts of my life that I thought would garner a positive response, the response that I needed for I didn't have anything else that would sustain me. In fact, the friends and mentors that I had in those years were privy to very small portions of my life; I was very selective about the things that they were permitted to know about me. I was working at getting people on my side, but those people had no idea about the hurts that governed my every move. They could see the surface stuff, like my financial struggles when I was in high school, living on my own and trying to go to school while having several jobs. But I was an excellent liar, and it was simple for me to charm people into caring for me. But they had no idea who I was at all, and most of them still don't know about the skeletons in my closet.

I can also tell you that 'life' (not to be confused with living) is so good. I have been blessed with some very integral people who could see right through my ploy and were brave enough to confront it. And those people encouraged me to seek healing. It was a long and difficult road to where I am now, riddled with hurdle after hurdle. I felt like I had everything under control, and it was so hard for me to relinquish that control to the Lord even if it meant my freedom from guilt and shame. But as the chains were slowly broken, the grass was literally greener, the sky literally bluer, and life was all the more beautiful for I began to live in victory. 'Life' has changed me for the better. I am thankful for each day and for each person who has stuck by me through the two darkest periods in my life; summer of 2008 and winter of 2009-2010. I have real relationships that are grounded in the Lord, and am not so guarded. I am finally an authentic version of myself, and am growing daily.

But I don't think either 'life' or 'death' has altered me more than the transition from 'death' to 'life'. The struggle of that transformation stage is essential. That's where I have learned the most about myself and of the character of the God I serve. It is in that deep and desperate dark before the dawn of 'life' that I grew to rely more on God for understanding, grace, love and mercy. I don't throw those terms around lightly; I think that Christians often say that God is a God of grace, love and mercy without really thinking about what that means. But as I learned what those things really are, I was changed and I saw 'life' come in my relationships, my marriage, my church, and my daily living. Today, that 'life' is even more apparent; God has given me so many beautiful blessings in the transition stages, some of them most apparent after my husband and I moved to Calgary.  


It is in the dark times where one has very important decisions to make: Do you blame God for the 'death' in your life? Do you blame others? Maybe yourself? Or do you seek to understand your hurts to be free from them? Do you seek to understand you heart that there may be nothing that holds you from your divine purpose? Do you seek to understand that character of God more fully? Do you seek to understand your own responsibility? Do you surrender?

Having 'life' would not mean nearly as much without having 'death'. Neither 'death' nor 'life' will affect you more than the transition from 'death' to 'life' through Christ. And it is that transition that is a testament to His glory and faithfulness. What power.

I am praying for you, that you may find life. And if you are walking in life, then I pray that you will be living testament of victory. And if you are interested, this is a podcast page for the sermons at my church. I really REALLY encourage you to listen to the one entitled PURPLE: Resurrection and Judgement. It's a very excellent message (they all are).

1 Corinthians 15:55

"O death, where is your victory,

O death, where is your sting?"

-SP

Healing

I have been reflecting on life a lot more lately. I have been thinking critically about decisions that I have made, the consequences of them, and what might be different if I had chosen differently. Granted, I cannot dwell on the things that I cannot change, on the decisions that have already been made, and on the changes that those choices have caused. But in thinking about this, in attempting to understand the ways that I have gone wrong, or chosen correctly, I have found ways that I can improve.


A lot of the thought that I have been giving to this is because of the poor judgement I have had in the past in different aspects of my life. I have been in dark places that I would wish on no one. I have been though depression, I have seen the end of crucial relationships and have struggled mightily with understanding my own heart while learning about the grace I must have on others. The past few weeks have been so hard for me. I have wept in prayer while I invited the Spirit in to remove the guilt and shame that I have over some of the hurts that I have caused.


It's not an easy thing to let go of shame. Shame is one of the simplest tactics that the enemy uses to have a foothold in your life. Shame has been a common theme in my life, although most of the shame and contempt that I have carried in my short time on this Earth has been shoved on my shoulders and is not truly mine to carry. Bizarre, isn't it? When shame is let in, it begins to define us. I begins to take over and dictate our movements, our words, and our worth. But that's not how it should be. That is never how God intended it.


But healing can come. It is so possible. I know this because I have had to fervently live it out in my life, especially over the course of the past few years. I became free of the shame and self-contempt that was forced on me over time by the unrelenting grace of God. I was encouraged by my counsellor to call on the Lord and ask the Holy Spirit to come into my heart and reveal to me the ways that it is bound. And He did, so gently. Memories started coming back, things that I had spent so much time covering up and pushing away in an effort to self-preserve. And as they were revealed, He took the hurt and pain and spoke to me saying that I didn't need to carry those burdens anymore. And I was healed. I began to forgive, I let go of resentment, and I became a whole person.


That is the brilliant thing about grace. When you give God your trust, dive into His word and seek to live in His promises He will honour you. And that oppression that the enemy would have you live under to stifle your purpose is completely lifted. And then you experience new life. True life. 


This is not to say that there aren't consequences for your actions. There always will be cause and effect, whether good or bad. However, even when serving the consequence of your actions (like me cutting off my relationship with my father after he repeatedly refused to take responsibility for the abuse at his hand), you don't need to live under the thumb of evil. There are consequences to me too for my father's decisions, like not being able to attend family functions freely, and having to schedule times to see my siblings. But I don't live in guilt for the boundaries that were necessarily put up for I know that the Lord has delivered me and will provide all that I need. And for the bad decisions that I have made, the ones that I am now experiencing the consequences of, I know that God is a miraculous healer. I can depend on Him to restore the relationships that have been compromised by my poor actions. I can depend on Him to lead me and guide me as I atone. He will see to it that the life and love is renewed and strengthened for the betterment of His Kindgom.


I encourage you to truly lay your burdens down. We are not meant to walk through the hard times alone. I know that this is much easier to say than do. Being hurt and needing healing, divine healing, causes us to do strange things. We cling to that hurt. We convince ourselves that there isn't anyone else on Earth that could understand. And in vulnerable relationships, one will convince himself that he is completely right, that there is not other side to the story, and will be quick to blame the other party involved rather than being dedicated in seeking out his own responsibility. But healing, forgiveness, release from anger, wholeness to you and the relationship, and the return of unconditional love will come when it is God's face that we seek.


I pray that you will be drawn closer to Him, and that you will seek His heart. Trust Him, for He is worthy of your everything. And you too will experience healing and new life.


-SP

Calling

I have had some interesting and challenging conversations lately. One recent one was with a leader at our church. He took my husband and I out for coffee where we talked about life in general, both the good and the bad, and then he asked us where we see ourselved in both the near and not so near future, in life and as a part of our church.

That is a heavy question. It would be easy to break out the bucket list and start spouting off things like "buy a house" or "travel". It would be equally easy to say, when speaking of our place in our church, "we want to be part of the music ministry" (seeing as we are both musicians, and both know that is what we are called to). But his inquiry is so much bigger than that. He didn't ask for a check list, he asked for our hearts.

We didn't answer him right away, and truthfully still haven't answered him. I'm the type of person that needs time, some times lots of time, to process things like that. I don't like to respond hastily and then realize that the information I gave wasn't true to is later revealed to me.

Here is what I know: Music is my call. I am fortunate to have a husband who also has the same call on his life, though I know it will play out differently for us both. So I know that the end goal for us at this point is to be playing music full-time in some capacity. For me, it could be teaching or gigging, or maybe putting out my own album. For my husband, it is slightly different as he has no aspirations to be a solo artist, so our careers will end up looking different.

Here is what else I know: I have been blessed with my testimony. My life is a real example of death being turned into life by the abundant love and grace of God. I am now responsible to use that blessing for the betterment of the Kingdom. My story needs to be shared when ever I am given the opportunity. I have been seeking out those opportunities as well, offering myself to leaders in our home church, as well as our last church in Edmonton, that it might bring hope to others in a similar oppression to the one that I once was plagued by.

But there is so much more to my calling, to my end goal, now that I am married. My husband and I are one now, meaning our calls aren't seperate any longer. We need to seek the Lord together in order to grow together. This isn't just about me anymore, it's about us both. So how will our seperate callings, our differing passions, come together to become one cohesive family ministry? Hmmm.


-SP

The Hiatus

Hello readers! I have had a quiet month or so. I have needed it to recharge and strategize as to a more firm direction for this blog. Not that there wasn't a direction before; I think that the aspects of my life that I have written about have been well received. And really, when I set out to blog in the first place, that's all that I had in mind at the time. But there has been a stirring in me, a longing for more. I have needed time to figure out a bit more about it.


I have made a few decisions. The biggest is that I probably won't be writing as often as I once thought I would/could. I want to write quality posts about real things. I feel that there have been a couple times when I have forced myself to think about something slightly profound so that I could post several days in a row. That is inauthentic, and authenticity is something that I crave. If I truly allowing you, the reader, into my space with some small window into my life, it will at least be real and authentic. I have gone through some old posts, deleted a couple that were generally unnecessary, and will go forward from here.


Yes, I still dream of one day writing to assist in the awakening and healing of abuse victims, or something like that. Actually, God has given me some really amazing opportunities to speak into the lives of others through my story on. One of my upcoming opportunities will be on a larger scale, in my home church! I am so extremely excited about this, but I will talk more about it later.


I am also thinking about starting a music blog, posting some videos and speaking more to my life as a musician as I try and "make it". What does that look like? How will I know when I am there? What's the next steps? That idea is still incubating.


Basically, I am not dead, and I am not done writing. But as I get busier I am learning that I need to set aside time for this, just like anything else. There was a recent policy put into place at work about blog sites; we aren't allowed to access them at work anymore...that's probably my doing, haha! But I hope that what I am able to share with you is well-received, and that you find encouragement from it. Stay tuned for some slightly less regular, but hopefully higher quality posts in the near future!


-SP

Life = Exciting!

Life has been exciting lately. The reason for my exceptionally long hiatus from blogging is that my husband and I have been very busy around the house. We recently painted the walls, and then changed the carpet, and bought a new car!

God has really blessed us with newness lately. My mom and brother came to Calgary to help us paint. The walls really needed something new. They were this dark brown colour, but the space is long with windows only on one side so I found it dark and kind of depressing in there when at home for long periods of time. So we brightened up the place with a great light grey colour, and accented the dining room wall with a gorgeous yellow. The bathrooms are a dark grey, and there is a beautiful red accent wall in the bedroom. We are very pleased with how it all turned out.

But when we changed the wall colour, the dingy carpet stood out like a sore thumb. It was an old Berber, cream in colour. There were dark stains left by former occupants and general traffic, and with the crisp grey walls it looked gross. So we went out a few times, looking for the perfect carpet colour and then finally found it.

Then, last Tuesday, my husband was doing some final prep around the house before him and his dad ripped out the old carpet, so I came home early to help him get everything ready. We finished edging the walls, moved the furniture around and moved some things in storage. After a few hours of hard work, my husband thought it might be nice to go test drive something, so we decided to go.

We have wanted a new vehicle for a while, but had decided to hold off. In the last month or so, we had some issues come up with our vehicle that would cost a lot to fix out of pocket, so we thought it would be a good time to get something new. So we discussed a few different vehicles that we would like to have, and were going to wait until June to move on one of them. But we went and test drove the 2011 VW Golf, and loved every minute of it. Plus, our last car was a 2007 Golf, so we know that they are good vehicles. So with little consideration we decided to just go for it and by Friday we were picking up our new car.

We have felt very blessed. God has been so faithful. He has opened doors, given us opportunities to share about His awesome love, and has blessed us with a new vehicle and a virtually new house for very little money. All the glory goes to Him. We were quoted one price for our carpet, and then the next day I got a letter from my grandma with a 200 dollar cheque in it. The day after that, the house was measured and we found out that the quoted price was about 200 dollars lower than it should be. He provided that money at a very pivotal time, so that we could pay for everything. What an amazing God we serve.

Photos to come soon! We need to move a few things around, get some stuff into storage, and hang some pictures. Exciting times indeed!

-SP

The End: The Conclusion

Purpose

I had a very good conversation with my husband the other night. I don’t remember exactly how we got on the subject (I should have written about it the next day), but we talked a bit about death, and leaving the other person behind. That’s a scary thought. I don’t like the idea of being left alone, without my husband whom I love to completely. I don’t like the idea of having to start over, learn to be self-sufficient without the conveniences of having a life partner. And usually we shy away from discussing death with each other, but this time we talked it out.

My husband spoke about how he is afraid of death for that very reason. He is afraid of leaving me behind. He wants me to be taken care of, and even more than that he wants to be the person that provides for and takes care of me. But what I said surprised even me. Ever since I started this blog, I have been haunted by the subject. I haven’t experienced the passing of a close loved one, nor do I want to. So, I have had confusing thoughts about the subject in general.

I said to him that God has determined a purpose for his life. God has set out a path for him, a mission for the betterment of the Kingdom. As long as he is following in what God has for him, he will not be cast off in death.

We finished up our conversation, and I walked down the hall, astounded at what I had just said. I had never had such a clear conclusion about what death is. I had spent so much time wondering about because I don’t know what it is, sitting in fear of it, and then all of a sudden with great conviction I spoke those words.

I am convinced that those words are not mine. I have spent so much time thinking about it, and it was with no thought at all that I responded to his fear. I know that it was the Spirit speaking through me. But since that day, I know this unequivocally. God has set out a purpose for you, and the Bible states that death has no power. God has claimed victory. Death should not be feared, for it will not occur until you have fulfilled the purpose that has been given to your life.

-SP

Life = Busy

You deserve an explanation for my silence. My husband and I have been painting our house, so each evening we have been prepping and painting, and each day with the spare time I do have, I have been looking at decorating ideas for once it's finished.

I don't have any profound thoughts. I wouldn't even call this a good post. But I won't be writing again until next week. Until then, catch up on old blogs, keep in touch, and stay tuned for more!

-SP

Marriage Part 2: Soul Mates?

I have had this conversation several times. Is there such thing as soul mates, or are there many people out there that could exceed at being "the one"? Before now, I hadn't formed much of an opinion on the matter, I just believed that one day I would find someone who would be a perfect match for me.

The other day, my husband and I were talking about a recent sermon at church. Near the end of the message, the pastor started to speak into the lives of some of the members. He made a broad statement, feeling as if it would hit home with at least one person, encouraging single people in the congregation to let God choose their mate for them. This caused me to reflect on my own relationship later in the week. My husband was placed in my path three times before I took notice of him. When I did, I quite literally needed to choose as I was seeing someone else at the time.

In looking back now on the things that we have gone through as a couple, I can see how God has so beautifully orchestrated our relationship. He brought me a man who is so willing to help me through my own personal struggles, and who is so committed to working out absolutely any issue that we encounter together. I really do believe that he was chosen for me as my husband. Yes, I did need to choose him, but I fervently prayed for a husband who had the same love for Christ and a desire to grow with me and God gave me a suitor.

But if I hadn't chosen my husband, would there be another? Or would I have lost out on my one soul mate? I remember a conversation from a long time ago with a friend I had at the time. We had a similar discussion, and she asked if I think that there is only one person out there for each person, or if we are allowed to choose. I hadn't really thought about it much at that point in my life, despite all the eligible bachelors that I was juggling/pining after. She said that she thinks that God lets us choose our mates, and then honours our choice. And while I think that at the heart of the matter, she may be correct, I think of things a bit differently.

I believe that God honours the desires of our hearts, because he placed them there. I have written before about how I believe I was created to be married. I have always had a desire to find the person that I am to be with and marry him. I searched for love and convinced myself it existed in relationships that it didn't. I was obsessed with it. But I spent a long period of time between serious relationships at one point. I was single for about two years, and while I would date I didn't enter into anything long-term. That was the point when I began to pray into my future marriage. I didn't want just anyone to fill that void, I wanted the right man, one chosen by God for me. I didn't want to feel as if I needed to compensate for him spiritually, emotionally or financially. I wanted someone who would lead me, be the head of the house, set the pace, and be after the same things that I am. I believe that God did, in fact, honour these desires. He gave me three opportunities to meet get to know my husband before I finally realized what a gift he is to me. But I also believe that if I had not chosen him, or if my husband did not choose me, there would be another.

I am reminded of a story I heard once at a conference. I can't remember the bulk of what was spoken about, but I distinctly remember one thing in particular that the speaker said. He was telling a story about someone he knew (I think). This person was called to something big, something weighty. He wrestled with it, and asked God "why me?" It was then he was deeply humbled. He felt in his spirit that God said to him "you aren't my first choice, you are my third."

I think that we can want God's will, but we can also reject it. That is our Eden right. This goes for everything, including choosing your spouse. There could very well have come a day when I would meet someone and say "why him?" and I could hear "he wasn't my first choice, but you rejected the others".

I don't believe in soul mates. But I do believe that when one submits to God's will, to His plan, that person will be honoured. I have absolutely been honoured with the man that was hand picked for me.

-SP

A Conversation That Blessed Me

Today is supposed to be the next day in my 30 day challenge thing, even though I haven't posted something every day (I like to take weekends of). But I can't post about that today. It is written and ready, picture and all, but I have had one of the most amazing experiences and I just must share about it.

I spoke to one of my brothers last night. He and I have a relationship unlike that which I have with any other sibling. I love all my siblings equally, but I have different relationships with all of them according to their stage of life. Three of my siblings are young, two of them in junior high, so it is challenging for me to connect with them on a deep heart level. I am excited for when that day will come, when they are a bit older and I can share more of my life with them, but for now I will continue to enjoy them where they are.

The brother that I spoke with last night is the third oldest. He is almost done high school and will soon be an adult. We have had a close relationship for years, but more recently we have grown to be very close, very open, and very loving with each other. He has always been one to ask a lot of questions, to make sure that I am ok, and now he is at a place in his life where I can slowly be more open with him about my struggles as I learn more about myself. He is very gentle and soft hearted, and slow to judgement and anger. It makes me excited to think of the amazing things that God will do in his life if my brother submits to His will.

At one point in our conversation, I asked him how things are at home. Home life is unstable at the best of times, and dangerous at the worst. I am concerned for the well being of my younger siblings, as they still live at home with an abuser. He told me that things are good and happy, that things have been changing. I asked him if things are ok with L, his father, the man that I called dad for my whole life until I cut off my relationship with him. This was the first time that my brother heard me refer to that man by his first name, and it caught him off guard. He asked me about it, so then I asked him how much he knows. Turns out, he doesn't remember much at all from when we were kids, except for the good times with another sibling and I, and the reasons for my absence from family functions are not spoken about in the house.


I went into things slowly, not wanting to overwhelm him with the information. I basically told him that L abused another brother and I when we were young. So, when I turned 18, I started to see a counselor about the abuse, and then a few years later invited L to a conversation where I confronted him on the abuse. He rejected me three times, blaming me, telling me that I am no virgin Mary, and the reason for his abuse, both physical and sexual was because of my disobedience. I continued, saying that after the third conversation where he rejected responsibility, I cut off the relationship. But the ball is in his court; if he has a change of heart, a real change, I would be open to allowing him back into my life, but until then he won't see or hear from me.

That's a lot of information to be thrown at you at one time, especially when we grew up in the same house. He said that he honestly had no idea, but if that's what happened then my decision is for the best. He told me that he gets it, because he and L didn't always have a great relationship, and things were bad for a while. He said that he is glad to know from me what happened before someone tries to tell him differently. I went on to say that I would love to share more about my life with him if and when he asks me too, but I respect and love him enough to know that that's a lot to process through, and I wouldn't want to burden him. I also said that I'm sure the pieces are starting to come together; because I cut off the relationship, that's why I was away for Christmas, and that's why we had Thanksgiving at my Grandpa's place.

I was worried about how he might respond. I told another brother, when I was in the thick of my counseling, that I may lean on him for support, because he is the only other person on the planet who can completely understand what occurred there. Rather than being open and loving, he shut down, telling me that I should just forget about it and move on. I was devastated. All I needed was for him to be soft and say "I understand, and I am here for you," but he would need to be willing to face the fact that his own heart was hurt in order to take care of mine in any way. At that time, he wasn't, but I guessed that he would be. Then, yesterday, I had a completely opposite experience with my other brother. He was open, honest, apologetic, and so loving. He didn't tell me to just let it go, he just said "I don't know what to say. I had no idea. I think that you made a good decision." I didn't expect that at all, I thought that it was more likely that I would be dismissed and told to forget about it. But he just loved me.

I have said for a long time that I have learned a lot from my siblings. They teach me more than they will ever know about what it means to love and accept people. This was one of the most beautiful, personal examples of that, and as a result we have a healthier, stronger relationship. I was able to share about who God is to me, and encourage him, and I look forward to the next time that we get to chat about life. He was open with me, honest about what he is having a hard time with right now, and when I trusted him in return with a bit of my own heart, I was greatly rewarded. Brother, I love you.

-SP

The Best Of Me

The love of my life :)

My husband and I had a really great conversation a while ago. We were out for a drive, having coffee, and we talked about how we interact with each other versus how we are with our close friends. We both concluded that we act with much more patience and grace with our friends and families than we do with each other. Isn't that backwards?

My husband is my best friend, truly. He has been one of the only steadfast, loyal, completely trustworthy people in my life in the years that we have been together. Yes, I have many friends and a few close friends that I share in my life with. But with most of those people, save for one or two, I am particular about the aspects of my life that I share with them, affording them glimpses into certain areas and closing off other areas to them, like a red velvet rope at a museum; they may wonder what is behind it, what would happen if they touched it, but are not given that opportunity. I think back to someone that I considered a close friend for years. We knew each other for a long time and were involved in a lot of the same activities at church and in school, but there were parts of my life, huge parts of my life, that I chose not to let her in on for fear of judgement because of her lack of understanding. I operate in this manner for the vast majority of my relationships.

Being my best friend, the person that I love spending my time and life with much more than anyone else, my husband should get the best of me. I should be able to have more patience, more grace, more understanding for him. But that's just not how it is. He doesn't get the worst of me, but he doesn't get my best. I am impatient, crude, uncaring and without grace at times. I get annoyed easily and jump to conclusions even in the instances that I know him better than that.

But the terrible thing is that I would never treat a friend like that. If there was something that a friend did or said that would cause me to step back and evaluate, I would ask for clarification rather than get upset. I am much less likely to become angry or annoyed with a friend than I am with my best friend and companion. Why is that?

We talked about it a bit more, saying that perhaps it's because of security. I know that if I were to fly off the handle, or be repeatedly annoyed and without grace, he will still be there tomorrow. And maybe it's safety. I know that I am safest with my husband, so maybe I feel more able to explore harsher emotions. I don't necessarily feel that same sense of security with my friends. A friend has the ability to walk away from the relationship because of a bad day. They are not obliged in any way to stick around . I know that, because I have walked away from relationships before with little warning or emotion. Maybe it's a fear of being walked away from that causes me to intentionally treat those I consider friends well consistently.

But this is not right! I am not saying that one should treat their friends with the same disregard as their partner. But if I am giving grace and goodness to my friends, then my husband should get that and more. He should get the absolute best of me. I should treat him with more love, with more grace and patience than anyone else in my world.

So we made a commitment. We helped each other become aware of this tendency, as we both struggle with it, and have committed to changing this trend in our relationship, a trend that we have seen in the marriages and committed relationships that our friends are engaged in as well. We have committed to try to give each other the best of ourselves. This will take time; we are certainly not perfect at it. But we are willing to try as best we can to first mimic the character that we display in our friendships, and then one day surpass that and give more to each other. He is my love, my life. He deserves the best of me.

-SP

Random Meeting

I ran into someone last night that I haven't seen in years. It was the most random meeting ever. When I knew him, he lived in a town just outside of Edmonton where I lived. I suppose you could call him an old flame, of sorts. We didn't get overly involved, but for the brief time that we were seeing each other, I fell hard and fast. He was charming, charismatic, funny, and somewhat daring. I was instantly hooked, although most people on the outside looking in failed to see his appeal.

A couple of people I would love to randomly see

The end of this story is obvious. My frail heart was broken when he told me that he didn't want to be with me. I was so intent on finding 'the one' that I made him fit into my perfect little mold for what my husband should be. I was also reeling from a break up, and though it had occurred months before I was still trying to find any possible means to move forward. I suppose I was trying to win the break up, for all you HIMYM fans out there.

It was a whirlwind relationship. We met randomly, became interested in each other, went out to dinner, met each other's friends, and found out that we had some mutual connections. Actually, I met one of my best friends through him. Then things went south very quickly. He told me the day after my grad that he didn't want to be with me. Then rumours circulated amongst the people that were in our limo that he hooked up with this other girl in my year who I didn't really know at all. She told this to my best friend, who in turn told me. I was so hurt. I asked him about it, and to this day have no idea what really happened, although I don't think that a random girl would make up that story for attention.

I saw him a few times after that, but it was never the same. There wasn't that same excitement in the friendship. I didn't trust him and was very careful around him. He introduced me to some people that he knew, people that I still maintain strong relationships with, but we lost touch later on. I deleted him from my facebook account when I did a thorough spring cleaning a couple years back. He then went to a couple of our mutual friends asking about it, which I found really hilarious. I was surprised that he even noticed, he has so many 'friends' on facebook. Then I ran into him at the mall, and he asked me about it, and I just kind of shrugged him off and moved on. We hadn't spoken since.

I have been interested in how he is doing. He dated another girl for a while. They were engaged, actually, and they broke up. Her and I were acquaintances, and when she told me her side of the story I found it difficult not to side with her considering our own tainted history. But it was none of my business, really, so I carried on with my own life, asking people about him once in a while and creeping his facebook whenever I thought to (which wasn't very often).

Then not long ago, my best friend saw him in Edmonton. I hadn't heard a single thing about him for a long time, so it was this blast from the past. We texted about how weird that is, and then put it to rest. The last night, I was walking through a mall in Calgary, and there he was. I didn't notice him at first, my husband is the one who recognized him. I turned around, we made eye contact, and at that point it was either we pretend it didn't happen or actually say hello. He called me by my maiden name, as he always did, and we said hello.

It was good to see him. He looks the same as he always has. He is operating his own business with a partner, putting ghost armour on phones (great product, check it out if you have a smart phone). He seems to be in good health, happy, but is living a gypsy lifestyle. He lives in Vancouver, but flies between three cities running his business, so he doesn't have a place to call home. I wonder how he deals with that; that would be really hard on me. But I think that the best thing about that whole exchange is that he and I both seem happy. While I don't know how his quality of life is, I know my own and it is excellent. It was good to connect without the resentment that once haunted his very name. It was good to see him. And just like the day we met, it was the last place that I would have expected to see him. True to the relationship, I suppose.

-SP

Good vs. Evil

This may be a controversial subject, more so than most that I have written about. But I wonder what you think. Do you think that humans are fundamentally good or evil?

This is something that has come up in one way or another several times in the past while. I have seen it talked about or mentioned on forums, and I have read articles and scientific studies about the brain and different brain centres that are present in a normal well-rounded adult versus those that are perhaps malfunctioning or missing in criminals. Most people that I talk to, or who have made mention of their opinion regarding this have stated that they believe that people are fundamentally good. They believe that humans are full of good intent, and that they basis of their being is goodness. I'm not sure that I agree.

Love this baby

I read an article a several months ago about a scientific study done with babies. Behavioral experts found that babies can start lying as early as six months old using fake crying and laughing to get attention. By eight months old, infants start to conceal forbidden activities and distracting parents attention. You can read the article here. This goes against everything that society would love to believe about children; that they are innocent and without fault, and it is the world or their parents that corrupt them, causing them to fall. For a long time, I believed this too, but buying into that mindset goes against what I believe as a Christian.

I'm not trying to throw the Bible at you, or convince you (if you don't share my belief system) that you are wrong. This is one of those things that people need to think about and decide for themselves. But I believe that every human, regardless of age, is in need to the grace and mercy of God, because no human is perfect.

I think that if we were fundamentally good and without fault, lying or deceit would not be our first line of defence when we feel cornered, and are doing something that we shouldn't. I think back to being a kid. I lied all the time. And not always little lies. Whenever I knew I was doing something I shouldn't I would lie. Or think about young kids even. If you catch a three year old drawing on the walls and ask him if he did it, he'll say no even if he is still holding on to the markers. Perhaps not all children are like this, but I have never come across one who's first instinct is honesty over a self-preserving attempt at deceit.

Maybe you have a different opinion. You are welcome to share it. In fact, I welcome it, but please do not do so anonymously. All I ask is that you at least attach a name to your comment.

-SP

Day In The Life Of

Do you ever wish you could live a day in the life of someone else? Not necessarily to escape your own life, but to better understand that person? To know their thoughts, insecurities, triumphs, feelings, to just better know them and why they relate to you in the manner that they do?

Day in the life of my rock star?

I have been thinking about this lately. Actually, it's been a recurring train of thought for the past few years, ever since I started counselling. As I started to better understand myself, I began to realize why I relate to certain people that way that I do, and as I began to change it was slowly revealed to me that people didn't understand me in the least. It was no fault of their own, they just had no idea the burdens that I was carrying, the guilt that was shoved on my fragile shoulders, and the self-loathing that plagued me. I began to see that I was this confusing, hardened victim living in a bubble of sarcasm and little emotion. I would push people away without even knowing it because I would never allow anyone to get a glimpse of the true me, for that was much too vulnerable. And now that I am different, much different, and changing every day into a more real version of myself I have become much more aware of the ways in which others around me interact. And because of my own past, when something doesn't feel quite right I often will pause and ask "I wonder what has happened that makes that person feel the need to do that, or speak in that way?"

I have the privilege of knowing a few people very well. They are brave, open and honest about their experiences and struggles. I know who they are inside and out, and if ever they do something that I don't quite understand, I have the freedom to inquire. They are beautiful people, truly, and I am so blessed to have them in my life as loved ones. But most people in my life are little more than strangers. We meet once in a while in public places with a bunch of other people. We have a beer, talk about the ridiculous/funny things that have been happening in our lives, along with the usual catch up on work, but that's about it. We don't have deep intimate relationships.

Take a couple of my co-workers, for example. They are wonderful people to be around, and we are always laughing together. But there are some things that they say and do to each other that I wonder about. They hide behind their sarcasm and name calling, and while it is welcomed by the other party it is sometimes uncomfortable to me; not because I am not used to their humour, but because it is evident that they hide behind it, as some sort of coping mechanism. One in particular will sometimes gloss over the emotional hurts that she endured with her ex, whom she left several years ago, and instead is the funny, loud one. I used the same coping strategies as she did for years, I am the master. I know what they look like, but I want to know now what they are hiding.

And then there are people who seem to have a wonderful, perfect life. I don't wish for their lives, I am quite happy in my own. But I just wish to know them better. On the outside, they are confident and strong, but are they that sure footed on inside as well? I sat with a mentor a while back and we discussed a relationship that I had with someone that we both knew. This person is a seemingly together person. I was hurt and angry about something that this person said, and as I talked my way through how my heart felt, I said at one point "I wonder what is going on, or has gone on, in that person's life that he/she would react to me in that way." I won't go into further detail about that conversation, it's irrelevant to this blog. But there are some people that I know who walk as if they are so sure of themselves, but the walls that guard them, while well masked, are obvious to me. Sometimes I wish that I could live a day, any day, in their shoes, with their thoughts, with their hurts, their victories, their demons, their feelings, just so that I can better understand them, and be a better, more loving and supportive friend.

I know that I am not meant to know everyone in this way. That may be too burdensome in and of itself. But I love, especially now at this point in my life, having opportunities to love, encourage, uplift and support people who are placed in the path of my journey, however insignificant their role may be. God has given me a soft and sensitive heart, and has shown me in recent days how I can be a blessing to others. Where I used to hold back my thoughts of encouragement, thinking that they would be unnecessary or cast aside, I now take the risk and make the phone call, or send the email/message when God places the opportunity in front of me. I will admit, it is scary to do that at times. The other day, I messaged a friend of my husband's on facebook, a girl that I don't at all really, telling her that she is beautiful. I have always thought that she is gorgeous, and every time she changes her facebook picture I look at them, because I find her stunning. She hasn't said anything back and I find that I need to keep reminding myself, my very human and insecure self, that I didn't do it for a response. It wasn't for my own need for affirmation that I said anything. It was because it was placed on my heart, and had been for some time, and I had finally found the courage to say it.

There is strength in vulnerability. Raw hurts don't need to be broadcast to the entire world; there are very few people who know me deeply. But with all others, I aim to be real and loving, allowing strangers and acquaintances glimpses of my heart for I know that the root of it is kind and full of good intent by God's grace. Sometimes I fail at this miserably, but most days I do succeed, and I have experienced a much more full and blessed life in being open and honest with myself and others. It hasn't come easily, and perhaps that's where the trouble is. It took work for me to become this person. It took effort, and many days and nights of feeling so lost before I finally found myself. Some people that I have known have found it just as easy as I once did to just ignore their pain and guard themselves diligently to keep anyone from finding our how broken they really are. I believe that to be one of the biggest lies that people accept and live with. There is no need to tire yourself and hide. That is not the answer. With honesty comes freedom, and where there is openness with each other as we live in community, there is support and love.

-SP

Work Accident

I came to work today, and outside the front door was an ambulance and a gurney. That is not the scene I expected to walk in to. I experienced a bunch of mixed emotions and thoughts as I walked the twenty or so paces to the door, made my way around the gurney and into the foyer where my desk is. The emergency was nearly over by the time I got here. People were bustling around, and I sat at my desk, in the middle of the action, as one of my co-workers was carried out by two paramedics. They managed to make it through the narrow passage and around the corner, and all the upper management staff looked on as she was hoisted onto the gurney and into the ambulance.

I got the story later. She was going up a set of three stairs from the office into the shop and tripped somehow, falling hard on her shoulder. She dislocated it for sure, but any further damage would be detected by x-rays at the hospital. She tends to slump forward and shuffle as she walks, and has been quite accident prone in the past, so I don't think that anyone was surprised that this happened to her. We have painted things yellow in an attempt to make obstacles more visible, as well as implemented almost every other safety precaution known to man in order to keep our lost time accidents to a minimum. Short of removing the stairs and putting in a ramp, or padding every surface in the office and shop, I'm not sure that this instance could have been avoided, simply because her walk isn't very good.

I am sad that this happened. She is an older woman who has been with the company for a long time. She is a valued employee. But I don't know that we, as a company, could have done anything better to ensure her safety. And if she misses work due to injury, we will be penalized for it.

But I hope that as a company, we don't forget what is important here. She is alive and recovering when something much worse could have happened. I hope that amidst all of the investigating and questions we don't neglect to ensure her comfort and safety now and going forward, even if this was an unavoidable instance.

-SP

If I Won The Lottery

I was reading an article about a woman who won 190 million dollars in the states.Even after taxes, that is a lot of money, and if that were won in Canada, there would be no taxes off the top. It got me thinking about what I would want to do if my husband and I won the lottery.

This would be one purchase

I would want to pay out the loans that my old church has outstanding. Even though I left hurting, I grew up there and was involved there. I attended most of the business meetings, participated in the votes, and learned a great deal about living in community while a member there. I would want to relieve them of their financial burdens so that they may more freely allocate funds to other ministries.

I would want to do the same for our current church, as well as tithe. Our current community is so wonderful and I am proud to be a part of it. Yes, there have been hiccups already on our short journey there, but we stand behind the people in charge and the ministries that they support and have created.

I would want to give money to our friends. This is a tricky one, because we wouldn't want to make our friends feel like charity cases, so we would need to be delicate about how we did it, but we would definitely want to share the wealth with them, as we consider them to be our family. We don't want to keep it all to ourselves, we want to make sure the people around us are provided for.

I would want to set up trust funds for my underage siblings, for education and such, and give an amount to my adult siblings. They are so important to me. I would want to ensure that they are taken care of, and that they have the ability to pursue higher education if they so choose.

We would also give a sum to my husband's parents. They have been such great supporters for us, and have truly meant it when they said that we could ask them for any sort of help if we needed it. When we were in a lot of debt, and felt as if we were drowning, they came alongside us and made sure that we were taken care of. We would want to do the same for them.

I would want to give some to my own mom, but this is where it gets trickier. If this were to happen, and I still don't have a relationship with my father, I wouldn't want to give anything to him. It's not that I don't care for him, but I don't want him to reap the benefits of a relationship if he still chooses to refuse to take responsibility for his actions and reject me. So I don't know how that would work exactly, or what that would look like.

And then we would do the usual; buy a house with cash, invest for retirement, maybe retire early, take an extended holiday, donate to charity, things like that.

The chances of this happening are slim to none, especially considering the fact that neither my husband nor I buy lottery tickets. But it's fun to think about. What would you do?

-SP

Love Is...

Have you ever watched The Bachelor? Even if you haven't, I'm sure you know the premise of the show by now. Several women pine after one guy, going on ridiculously romantic dates that serve to promote the ladies to fall for him while he falls for multiple girls. Time and time again after the one-on-one dates, the girl who was chosen to go says she feels so special, like the only one in the world, until he goes on a date with another girl in the house. It's so funny to watch, it almost seems like no part of it can be true, because who would be so brave/stupid to go on a show like that?

I will admit, the idea of being wooed with grand romantic gestures is very appealing. Being surprised with a helicopter ride that takes my beau and I to a secluded, scenic area where we can picnic and horseback ride on the beach would be absolutely wonderful. However, I would think that it would be very disappointing to get back to real life, where he won't have the disposable income for helicopters and private tours of wineries, and impromptu concerts by today's biggest bands.

A friend of mine sent me an article the other day. You can read it here. The author asks if romantic movies are ruining real relationships (I would also ask that of shows like The Bachelor). It goes on to talk about a scientific study that was done that says yes, they do. But I could have told you that without science. I grew up watching, and falling in love with, romantic movies. I would dream about being swept off my feet by a tall, dark and handsome man who would pursue me all the days of my life. Actually, there was a time when it felt like my relationship at the time was right out of a movie script. There were dramatic scenes with me running down the stairs and him coming after me, trying to get me to stay but I kept going. There were dramatic conversations and kisses and I often would tell friends that it felt as if my life were scripted, like someone had come in and written this captivating story, only that rather than observing, I was the main character. Let me tell you, it's not all it's cracked up to be, and that story didn't have a happy ending.

Then I met my husband, and he did pursue me intensely. He wanted me to know that he cared for me, and he showed me in both simple and elaborate ways. But as we settled into our relationship with each other and go more secure in our love, things began to change. I started to overlook the small things that he had always done for me because he didn't do the big things as much. It's not even that he didn't do them as often as he used to, just not as often as I wanted him to. I realized months back that I have a skewed view on what love looks like in action. I became so free when I became aware of how high my expectations were. I do want to make it abundantly clear that I did not settle. My husband is still the most romantic person that I know, and does things daily to ensure that I know how loved I am by him. But love now doesn't look the same as love when you're two weeks into being together.

Love is a choice, not a feeling. It's an effort, not something that just happens. Love gets easier over time, but it takes practice. I once thought that what was in the movies is love, but that's just one small part of it. Yes, that part is important, but love is so much more beautiful than what is shown in movies. It's deeper, stronger, more committed, more perfect. I would never trade real love for the Hollywood substitute.

-SP

You Don't Get What You Don't Ask For

I can't ask for better friends

I had originally thought that I would write on one subject, one that is completely far removed from this one. But I have been thinking about this ever since I saw it on YouTube. I will write about my other topic tomorrow or Sunday (sorry C, haha).

I was checking out Digg yesterday, as I usually do on slow mornings at work. I was reading various news and novelty articles, when I came across this video from YouTube. I watched it, and then looked for other related videos and found that he had posted this video first, and then followed it up with this and later this. You should at least watch the first two.

Basically this guy posted a video last November petitioning all millionaires, and later billionaires, for one million dollars. He told them that they have many millions, and asked them to spare one for no specific reason other than the fact that he asked for it. He is not in great need, he didn't beg, he just posted a few videos hoping that someone would bite. On January 16th, he posted another video of himself, dressed in a tux with a goofy grin on his face, because a someone decided to heed his request. On February 2nd, he will be presented with a cheque for one million dollars, and has a notarized letter from the millionaire's lawyer stating the terms of the agreement; that he will receive one million dollars and will not owe anything in return.

Understandably, some people are upset by the fact that his plot worked. I am, simply because I didn't think of it first. At least I'm being honest. But this is the ultimate example of one of my two life motto's. You don't get what you don't ask for.

I have been known to surprise people with my brazen forthrightness. I have asked senior management to take me for coffee and for lunch. I once got a ten percent discount at the dentist because of a joke. I have asked for raises and bonuses and have gotten them. I asked the president of our company for a pizza day at work, and he said yes when everyone told me there was no way he would.

But I have said for years now that you don't get what you don't ask for. If you want something, go and get it. This guy did, and I commend him. Congratulations, that is awesome. Now please give me 100,000 dollars. Thanks.

-SP

Sicky-Poo

I have been frustrated lately. I don't like to write this sort of blog, but the New Year has been somewhat terrible so far. Not in all things. Honestly, in most things it's good and what I had hyped it up to be. But I have been having one health issue after another lately, and it's really beginning to wear on my spirit.

Is this the cure?

In the past few weeks, I have been late to work by at least a few hours several times, and have missed one full day of work due to unexplainable pains, colds, fatigue, and general unhealthiness. Without going into too much detail, I had severe abdominal pains one day, migraines another, and since yesterday have been feeling so ill due to another painful issue. Each time, I pump myself full of whatever it is I need, whether it be antibiotics, Advil, or other remedies. But each time, something else happens, and each time is worse than the last.

For example, yesterday I started to feel pain. This is a familiar pain, one that I can easily self-diagnose and have a standing prescription for at the pharmacy. So I thought about perhaps leaving early from work, talked to my superiors about the possibility, and decided to try to make it as long as possible. I ended up feeling much better by the end of the day. I came home to my pills waiting for me on the counter (my husband is wonderful and picked them up for me), quickly took one and prepared dinner and got ready to go to Yoga.

Yoga is my new obsession. You sweat out so many toxins and get a full body work out. While I don't agree with all of the religious concepts attached to the practice, I do agree with the basics. I leave feeling relaxed, accomplished, and energized. I don't think about anyone else in the room, I just block everything out and focus on my breathing and doing the postures correctly. And I can already see the benefits of the class, and am excited to do it more regularly. But last night, I sweat so much that my pain increased tenfold, and I felt worse than I had in a really long time. I took another pill, and then spent much of the night trying to find a comfortable position in bed. When I was still wide awake at midnight I got up and moved to the couch, still trying to find that perfect position. I didn't want to keep my husband up anymore with my rapid movements and labored breathing.

I finally fell asleep in an oddly comfortable position, and woke up a few hours later (I think, I don't know when exactly) and made my way back to my bed. Worst. Night. Ever. I woke up this morning, still in agony, and went into work late still waiting for the meds to kick in. This seems to be my life right now. If it isn't one thing, it's another, and everything seems to be happening all at once. I visit doctors, but they don't give me real answers. They just prescribe something else that might work. I am not satisfied with that anymore.

So I am going to see a naturopathic doctor in town. My husband and his parents call him the voodoo doctor. From the stories I hear, he is unconventional, and that might be putting it lightly. But I have seen good results in my parents-in-law and my husband. My husband has allergies in the summer, and working as a landscaper has to deal with them everyday. This doctor gave him a home, over the counter remedy that has basically cured his allergies. My father-in-law suffers from terrible arthritis, and has seen a major decrease in his pain. So I wonder what he can do for me. I hope that whatever it is, it works quickly.

-SP

Undercover Boss

I prefer this kind of work...

I watched an episode of Undercover Boss last night with my husband. If you haven't seen it before, the premise is that a CEO of a large, sometimes international corporation with all the luxuries one could ask for goes undercover for a time to meet and work with lower level employees. He gets to know their triumphs, personal struggles, likes and dislikes all the while masking himself as a new employee. The entire thing is filmed under some ruse (this time, it was that he was competing with another girl for a position with the company), and we get to see how the CEO copes with the manual labour or mundane tasks that many of us would be easily good at and become accustomed to quickly.

I had seen portions of the show before, but hadn't watched a full episode until now. I was deeply moved.

The people that the show profiled are remarkable. They come from different backgrounds and social economic standings, but they all had amazing stories. It was impossible for me to not be sucked in to their stories of gain and loss as I listened and learned. As the show went on, I began to realize that I have it really good where I am. I don't like my job on the best of days, but not because it's bad. I think it's more because I know it's temporary. It's a stepping stone. If things go as we hope, I plan to be out of here in May of 2012. It's easy for me not pour my heart into what I do here because I am indifferent about it all. But I don't need to worry about what these employees do.

It was stated in my interview that my employers are more concerned about how I fit into the "family" than my skill set. They could see that I am a skilled worker from my resume. Furthermore, skills can be taught. But chemistry and belonging can't be. They also said that they want me to know that if myself or my family ever has some sort of crisis, I have the ability to come to my superiors and the company will do whatever it can to help. I was looking a the bulletin board in the lunchroom the other day, and there was a memo that said that if anyone in my household graduates from high school or a post secondary program, they are entitled to a bursary. Birthdays are posted in the lunchroom and celebrated. Career anniversaries are recognized. I'm sure that if I asked for a raise I would get one. There is a great culture in this business that I have never experienced anywhere else, but I am quick to gloss over it and forget about all the small benefits.

I am glad that I was reminded yesterday that I work for a company that cares about my own personal success as much as it cares about it's own success. I am glad to know the highest ranking individuals by name, and that there is always an open door policy. And I am thankful that, though this is a stepping stone, it is a good one; one that has added blessing to my life. I hope that I will not be so quick to complain, but that I will continue to be reminded of how good I really have it.

-SP

Second Life

My husband and I went for coffee with a friend the other night. During the course of our conversation, we got on the topic of video games and whether or not we would allow them in our homes and relationships. My husband and I enjoy playing video games. We don't play them often (I do more than him usually) but it is nice to have them in the house for those snow days. But we have never been really addicted to them. I mean, when a new Lego game comes out, I will buy it and spend a copious amount of time playing for days at a time. But the novelty wears away quickly, and then I won't touch a game for months at a time.


My friend told me about this game called Second Life. I only got a brief description of the game, but my understanding is that you are able to create a whole virtual world for yourself. You make a character look how you want, you have the job you want, the house you want, the friends you want. You interact with other users, and make friends over the internet. This in and of itself may not be so bad. Everyone needs an escape, and for some people they find relaxation in games. But there needs to be balance.


My friend told me about this one girl who did an interview or something. In Second Life, she is a singer. She has fans, albums, and lives a lavish virtual lifestyle. In real life, she aspires to sing. She wants to be a performer, but hasn't had many opportunities. Being in the music business myself with a desire to carve out a career in it once school is done, I understand that it is a cut throat business. There are a lot of people who can sing and dance and write who are marketable and charming. But this girl thinks now that that her key to success is her virtual career. She hopes that one day, she will be afforded an opportunity to perform as a career in "this world", as she refers to it, because of her Second Life success and following. This makes me so sad.

I do love this game.

I have very strong opinions about games such as this and WoW. I have seen how addictive they can be, and how that addiction can lead to problems in real life relationships. I was privy to aspects of one friend's marriage as she and her husband struggled to find balance between the time he spent on WoW and the time he spent with her. It almost wrecked them, and at one point she was talking about how she had begun to consider divorce. Games should not cause this sort of discourse. 


Are virtual realities causing people to lose their ability to engage in real life, face-to-face authentic relationship? What is the appeal of these sort of communities? Or should I be asking, what is so repulsive or difficult about real relationships that causes people to create a fake life for themselves as a way to interact with people they have never, and may never, meet? 


I am not against video games. In fact, I love playing games with my husband. But I feel that, for me at least, virtual reality games are taking it too far. I rather love my life, and would rather live it then create a 2D knock off that is nearly perfect but far from real.


-SP

Bad Dreams

I have very vivid day dreams. Sometimes, my day dreams are much more realistic and captivating than any dream I have had in my sleep. Even more dangerous yet are the dreams that I have when in that almost asleep state, right before I slip into a seven hour slumber. My mind has always been prone to wander. I seem to most often explore the feelings that I have never felt, experiences that I would like to lay claim to, and events that have yet to happen. There is something intriguing and terrifying about the unknown, and my mind seems to travel to the things that I don't know much about at all.

This should be a relaxing place

When I began this blog, I wrote a few on death. I have never experienced death, and my one and only near death experience found me in the hospital high on morphine. My life didn't flash before my eyes and I didn't need to say any goodbyes just in case I didn't make it. In fact, I didn't know the severity of the situation until after my surgery, when my doctor came in and told me what had happened. And I have never had anyone close to my heart pass away. I have been to funerals of extended family members, cried a couple tears of mourning, but my heart was not connected to the people who had passed. My mom and siblings are alive and well, my friends are all living vibrant, healthy lives, and there is not one person in my family with a known terminal illness. I suppose that I am lucky in this way. Death has never been something looming over myself or my family, because it seems to be rare and the cause is natural.

I have touched on what I am about to before. I think about my own death at times, but truthfully I do not fear it all that much. I have lived a good life. It has been full of love and grace and I am truly blessed. And the fact that I don't know when or how I will die prevents me from dwelling on it. I am glad I don't know those things. But I think about my husband passing, or one of my siblings, and I cannot fathom living my life without them I don't know what I would do.

A few nights ago, I was about to sleep. I laid down, relaxed and at ease, and buried myself deeper under the duvet and closer to the warmth of my husband's body. He passed out nearly right away; I have always been envious of his ability to lay down and be asleep within five minutes. I laid awake for a bit, checked my facebook on my phone a few times, and finally lay still on my back waiting for the Sandman to take me away. Then I dreamt. I dreamt that my husband was away, but this time he wasn't coming home. I wept. I called his parents, told them the news, then my mom, then our friends. I sat at the funeral in the front row, crying silently, not really paying attention to much of anything. I stood motionless at the wake, showing little emotion while I avoided any sort of human interaction. I came home to an empty house, wearing all black. I put off doing the laundry for as long as I could, not wanting to wash the last of his clothes for the last time. I didn't move anything. I collected life insurance, took leave from my job, and left. I don't know where I went, I just left. I couldn't be there. I couldn't be in the home that we had built together with all of his things and the photos, and no possibility of ever seeing him again. I have never felt so hopeless. I woke up with tears streaming down my face. I rolled over, into my husband's shoulder, and just stayed there. I am so thankful that a life without him is not my reality.

I think that if he were to die tomorrow, this would be an accurate representation of my reaction. I know that I have never experiences grief of this magnitude, but he is my life. He is my best friend and my biggest support. Before I met him it was the excited expectancy that I would one day meet the love of my life that kept me going from day to day. And now that I have met and come to deeply love him, I don't know how to do without him. It would be different if we had kids. I would have beautiful gifts, pieces of him that I would set my own grief aside for. But without something like that, I don't know how or when I would move forward. That's scary.

I have idea why I have been considering this so much lately. I think that I have contemplated death and all that comes with it more in the past few months than I have in my entire life. Perhaps it's the fact that everyone experiences it differently. I don't know what my reaction will be. I don't know what stage of life I will be in when someone close to me passes. The only thing that I concretely know about death is that it is inevitable.

I'm not looking for comfort. I'm not even looking for answers. Perhaps I am seeking to be somewhat prepared for it. But I do know that I wish for better, lighter dreams.

-SP