I spoke to one of my brothers last night. He and I have a relationship unlike that which I have with any other sibling. I love all my siblings equally, but I have different relationships with all of them according to their stage of life. Three of my siblings are young, two of them in junior high, so it is challenging for me to connect with them on a deep heart level. I am excited for when that day will come, when they are a bit older and I can share more of my life with them, but for now I will continue to enjoy them where they are.The brother that I spoke with last night is the third oldest. He is almost done high school and will soon be an adult. We have had a close relationship for years, but more recently we have grown to be very close, very open, and very loving with each other. He has always been one to ask a lot of questions, to make sure that I am ok, and now he is at a place in his life where I can slowly be more open with him about my struggles as I learn more about myself. He is very gentle and soft hearted, and slow to judgement and anger. It makes me excited to think of the amazing things that God will do in his life if my brother submits to His will.
At one point in our conversation, I asked him how things are at home. Home life is unstable at the best of times, and dangerous at the worst. I am concerned for the well being of my younger siblings, as they still live at home with an abuser. He told me that things are good and happy, that things have been changing. I asked him if things are ok with L, his father, the man that I called dad for my whole life until I cut off my relationship with him. This was the first time that my brother heard me refer to that man by his first name, and it caught him off guard. He asked me about it, so then I asked him how much he knows. Turns out, he doesn't remember much at all from when we were kids, except for the good times with another sibling and I, and the reasons for my absence from family functions are not spoken about in the house.
I went into things slowly, not wanting to overwhelm him with the information. I basically told him that L abused another brother and I when we were young. So, when I turned 18, I started to see a counselor about the abuse, and then a few years later invited L to a conversation where I confronted him on the abuse. He rejected me three times, blaming me, telling me that I am no virgin Mary, and the reason for his abuse, both physical and sexual was because of my disobedience. I continued, saying that after the third conversation where he rejected responsibility, I cut off the relationship. But the ball is in his court; if he has a change of heart, a real change, I would be open to allowing him back into my life, but until then he won't see or hear from me.
That's a lot of information to be thrown at you at one time, especially when we grew up in the same house. He said that he honestly had no idea, but if that's what happened then my decision is for the best. He told me that he gets it, because he and L didn't always have a great relationship, and things were bad for a while. He said that he is glad to know from me what happened before someone tries to tell him differently. I went on to say that I would love to share more about my life with him if and when he asks me too, but I respect and love him enough to know that that's a lot to process through, and I wouldn't want to burden him. I also said that I'm sure the pieces are starting to come together; because I cut off the relationship, that's why I was away for Christmas, and that's why we had Thanksgiving at my Grandpa's place.
I was worried about how he might respond. I told another brother, when I was in the thick of my counseling, that I may lean on him for support, because he is the only other person on the planet who can completely understand what occurred there. Rather than being open and loving, he shut down, telling me that I should just forget about it and move on. I was devastated. All I needed was for him to be soft and say "I understand, and I am here for you," but he would need to be willing to face the fact that his own heart was hurt in order to take care of mine in any way. At that time, he wasn't, but I guessed that he would be. Then, yesterday, I had a completely opposite experience with my other brother. He was open, honest, apologetic, and so loving. He didn't tell me to just let it go, he just said "I don't know what to say. I had no idea. I think that you made a good decision." I didn't expect that at all, I thought that it was more likely that I would be dismissed and told to forget about it. But he just loved me.
I have said for a long time that I have learned a lot from my siblings. They teach me more than they will ever know about what it means to love and accept people. This was one of the most beautiful, personal examples of that, and as a result we have a healthier, stronger relationship. I was able to share about who God is to me, and encourage him, and I look forward to the next time that we get to chat about life. He was open with me, honest about what he is having a hard time with right now, and when I trusted him in return with a bit of my own heart, I was greatly rewarded. Brother, I love you.
-SP
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