Day In The Life Of

Do you ever wish you could live a day in the life of someone else? Not necessarily to escape your own life, but to better understand that person? To know their thoughts, insecurities, triumphs, feelings, to just better know them and why they relate to you in the manner that they do?

Day in the life of my rock star?

I have been thinking about this lately. Actually, it's been a recurring train of thought for the past few years, ever since I started counselling. As I started to better understand myself, I began to realize why I relate to certain people that way that I do, and as I began to change it was slowly revealed to me that people didn't understand me in the least. It was no fault of their own, they just had no idea the burdens that I was carrying, the guilt that was shoved on my fragile shoulders, and the self-loathing that plagued me. I began to see that I was this confusing, hardened victim living in a bubble of sarcasm and little emotion. I would push people away without even knowing it because I would never allow anyone to get a glimpse of the true me, for that was much too vulnerable. And now that I am different, much different, and changing every day into a more real version of myself I have become much more aware of the ways in which others around me interact. And because of my own past, when something doesn't feel quite right I often will pause and ask "I wonder what has happened that makes that person feel the need to do that, or speak in that way?"

I have the privilege of knowing a few people very well. They are brave, open and honest about their experiences and struggles. I know who they are inside and out, and if ever they do something that I don't quite understand, I have the freedom to inquire. They are beautiful people, truly, and I am so blessed to have them in my life as loved ones. But most people in my life are little more than strangers. We meet once in a while in public places with a bunch of other people. We have a beer, talk about the ridiculous/funny things that have been happening in our lives, along with the usual catch up on work, but that's about it. We don't have deep intimate relationships.

Take a couple of my co-workers, for example. They are wonderful people to be around, and we are always laughing together. But there are some things that they say and do to each other that I wonder about. They hide behind their sarcasm and name calling, and while it is welcomed by the other party it is sometimes uncomfortable to me; not because I am not used to their humour, but because it is evident that they hide behind it, as some sort of coping mechanism. One in particular will sometimes gloss over the emotional hurts that she endured with her ex, whom she left several years ago, and instead is the funny, loud one. I used the same coping strategies as she did for years, I am the master. I know what they look like, but I want to know now what they are hiding.

And then there are people who seem to have a wonderful, perfect life. I don't wish for their lives, I am quite happy in my own. But I just wish to know them better. On the outside, they are confident and strong, but are they that sure footed on inside as well? I sat with a mentor a while back and we discussed a relationship that I had with someone that we both knew. This person is a seemingly together person. I was hurt and angry about something that this person said, and as I talked my way through how my heart felt, I said at one point "I wonder what is going on, or has gone on, in that person's life that he/she would react to me in that way." I won't go into further detail about that conversation, it's irrelevant to this blog. But there are some people that I know who walk as if they are so sure of themselves, but the walls that guard them, while well masked, are obvious to me. Sometimes I wish that I could live a day, any day, in their shoes, with their thoughts, with their hurts, their victories, their demons, their feelings, just so that I can better understand them, and be a better, more loving and supportive friend.

I know that I am not meant to know everyone in this way. That may be too burdensome in and of itself. But I love, especially now at this point in my life, having opportunities to love, encourage, uplift and support people who are placed in the path of my journey, however insignificant their role may be. God has given me a soft and sensitive heart, and has shown me in recent days how I can be a blessing to others. Where I used to hold back my thoughts of encouragement, thinking that they would be unnecessary or cast aside, I now take the risk and make the phone call, or send the email/message when God places the opportunity in front of me. I will admit, it is scary to do that at times. The other day, I messaged a friend of my husband's on facebook, a girl that I don't at all really, telling her that she is beautiful. I have always thought that she is gorgeous, and every time she changes her facebook picture I look at them, because I find her stunning. She hasn't said anything back and I find that I need to keep reminding myself, my very human and insecure self, that I didn't do it for a response. It wasn't for my own need for affirmation that I said anything. It was because it was placed on my heart, and had been for some time, and I had finally found the courage to say it.

There is strength in vulnerability. Raw hurts don't need to be broadcast to the entire world; there are very few people who know me deeply. But with all others, I aim to be real and loving, allowing strangers and acquaintances glimpses of my heart for I know that the root of it is kind and full of good intent by God's grace. Sometimes I fail at this miserably, but most days I do succeed, and I have experienced a much more full and blessed life in being open and honest with myself and others. It hasn't come easily, and perhaps that's where the trouble is. It took work for me to become this person. It took effort, and many days and nights of feeling so lost before I finally found myself. Some people that I have known have found it just as easy as I once did to just ignore their pain and guard themselves diligently to keep anyone from finding our how broken they really are. I believe that to be one of the biggest lies that people accept and live with. There is no need to tire yourself and hide. That is not the answer. With honesty comes freedom, and where there is openness with each other as we live in community, there is support and love.

-SP