Recently, there have been a few sermons at church pertaining to resurrection, and the old and dead becoming new and alive with purpose and hope. I felt like the pastor was speaking to me alone as I would sit there listening as he described my life to the rest of the congregation without even knowing it. It's like something out of the song Killing Me Softly; he found my letters and read each one aloud. I was stunned. The Lord was stirring me into action not just because I was once dead, and not just because I am alive now, but because I transitioned from utter and awful 'death' into full and beautiful 'life'.
So what changes us more? 'Death' or 'life'? What has changed me more? This is a tough question to answer. I can certainly tell you this. I lived the majority of my life plagued by 'death' and toxicity. It wasn't until the most recent years that I have experienced life, true life, real life. 'Death' did change me. I was suspicious of everyone. My motto for years was "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer." And I firmly believed in that. I was the most inauthentic version of myself for 18 years. I didn't trust people, and when I did offer a small amount of trust in good faith, I was still extremely guarded and only shared the parts of my life that I thought would garner a positive response, the response that I needed for I didn't have anything else that would sustain me. In fact, the friends and mentors that I had in those years were privy to very small portions of my life; I was very selective about the things that they were permitted to know about me. I was working at getting people on my side, but those people had no idea about the hurts that governed my every move. They could see the surface stuff, like my financial struggles when I was in high school, living on my own and trying to go to school while having several jobs. But I was an excellent liar, and it was simple for me to charm people into caring for me. But they had no idea who I was at all, and most of them still don't know about the skeletons in my closet.
I can also tell you that 'life' (not to be confused with living) is so good. I have been blessed with some very integral people who could see right through my ploy and were brave enough to confront it. And those people encouraged me to seek healing. It was a long and difficult road to where I am now, riddled with hurdle after hurdle. I felt like I had everything under control, and it was so hard for me to relinquish that control to the Lord even if it meant my freedom from guilt and shame. But as the chains were slowly broken, the grass was literally greener, the sky literally bluer, and life was all the more beautiful for I began to live in victory. 'Life' has changed me for the better. I am thankful for each day and for each person who has stuck by me through the two darkest periods in my life; summer of 2008 and winter of 2009-2010. I have real relationships that are grounded in the Lord, and am not so guarded. I am finally an authentic version of myself, and am growing daily.
But I don't think either 'life' or 'death' has altered me more than the transition from 'death' to 'life'. The struggle of that transformation stage is essential. That's where I have learned the most about myself and of the character of the God I serve. It is in that deep and desperate dark before the dawn of 'life' that I grew to rely more on God for understanding, grace, love and mercy. I don't throw those terms around lightly; I think that Christians often say that God is a God of grace, love and mercy without really thinking about what that means. But as I learned what those things really are, I was changed and I saw 'life' come in my relationships, my marriage, my church, and my daily living. Today, that 'life' is even more apparent; God has given me so many beautiful blessings in the transition stages, some of them most apparent after my husband and I moved to Calgary.
It is in the dark times where one has very important decisions to make: Do you blame God for the 'death' in your life? Do you blame others? Maybe yourself? Or do you seek to understand your hurts to be free from them? Do you seek to understand you heart that there may be nothing that holds you from your divine purpose? Do you seek to understand that character of God more fully? Do you seek to understand your own responsibility? Do you surrender?
It is in the dark times where one has very important decisions to make: Do you blame God for the 'death' in your life? Do you blame others? Maybe yourself? Or do you seek to understand your hurts to be free from them? Do you seek to understand you heart that there may be nothing that holds you from your divine purpose? Do you seek to understand that character of God more fully? Do you seek to understand your own responsibility? Do you surrender?
Having 'life' would not mean nearly as much without having 'death'. Neither 'death' nor 'life' will affect you more than the transition from 'death' to 'life' through Christ. And it is that transition that is a testament to His glory and faithfulness. What power.
I am praying for you, that you may find life. And if you are walking in life, then I pray that you will be living testament of victory. And if you are interested, this is a podcast page for the sermons at my church. I really REALLY encourage you to listen to the one entitled PURPLE: Resurrection and Judgement. It's a very excellent message (they all are).
1 Corinthians 15:55
"O death, where is your victory,
O death, where is your sting?"
-SP
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