The Non-Wish

Today is my father's birthday. I have a hard time calling him that, but it seems to be slightly more accurate than calling him dad. I usually refer to him by his first name, but won't on a public forum. For at least the second year in a row (I can't recall years before that) I haven't contacted him. I also haven't wished him a "happy father's day" for years.


He is an abuser. In March of last year, I invited him to a conversation about the hurts that he had caused in hopes that he would take responsibility so that we could have a whole relationship. He rejected me, and I invited him again. This went on for a little while until he rejected me for a third time. I cut off the relationship that night, stating that it was unfortunate that he couldn't accept responsibility for his actions. I would no longer continue to extend invitations as I had, and he would not see or hear from me. He has the ability to change things, and I will always be open to meeting with him, but that is up to him to initiate. We haven't spoken since.


I am completely fine with that. I have done what I need to do to offer him relationship, and I can't control or feel bad about the fact that he didn't accept the gift of grace he was given. And I don't feel bad about not contacting him today. That is part of the boundary. He won't see or hear from me up to and until he grows a set and accepts the consequences of his abuse. I suppose what is sad about today is that reality is closing in for me.

:)

I have had it easy since I cut off the relationship. I anticipated that I would have to answer to some questions by extended family, because any family functions that he is confirmed to attend I cannot. But because we moved to a different city, closer to my husband's family, we haven't intended on spending most of the holidays with my family in Edmonton. So, I haven't had to ask the difficult questions and answer the questions that my inquiries would create. But this year is different. My extended family will expect that we will spend the holidays that we didn't last year with them this year. And that's understandable. I just wonder what will happen when I have to say "will my father be there? I'm sorry, I can't attend if he is confirmed to go." I could make excuses, I could keep it under wraps, but that's not me. I will not throw him under the bus, and for the sake of my own privacy will not go into great detail with them. I probably wouldn't say much more that that. But it's not supposed to be this way. He should be able to man up and take responsibility for his actions.


But at the same time, I have no voids in my life. I have someone in my life whom I love like a father and who loves me like his daughter. My grandfather is also very supportive, and he understands my decision. I just don't like the restrictions that I need to live within now. I need to creatively arrange to see my siblings during the holidays and miss out on the family traditions. But I do have a lot of peace about the whole situation. I don't need it to work out perfectly. God has a plan.


-SP