Transformation

A friend of mine posted a very thought provoking status on facebook. What changes us more; the 'death' in our lives, or the 'life' in our lives? Interesting question.

Recently, there have been a few sermons at church pertaining to resurrection, and the old and dead becoming new and alive with purpose and hope. I felt like the pastor was speaking to me alone as I would sit there listening as he described my life to the rest of the congregation without even knowing it. It's like something out of the song Killing Me Softly; he found my letters and read each one aloud. I was stunned. The Lord was stirring me into action not just because I was once dead, and not just because I am alive now, but because I transitioned from utter and awful 'death' into full and beautiful 'life'.

So what changes us more? 'Death' or 'life'? What has changed me more? This is a tough question to answer. I can certainly tell you this. I lived the majority of my life plagued by 'death' and toxicity. It wasn't until the most recent years that I have experienced life, true life, real life. 'Death' did change me. I was suspicious of everyone. My motto for years was "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer." And I firmly believed in that. I was the most inauthentic version of myself for 18 years. I didn't trust people, and when I did offer a small amount of trust in good faith, I was still extremely guarded and only shared the parts of my life that I thought would garner a positive response, the response that I needed for I didn't have anything else that would sustain me. In fact, the friends and mentors that I had in those years were privy to very small portions of my life; I was very selective about the things that they were permitted to know about me. I was working at getting people on my side, but those people had no idea about the hurts that governed my every move. They could see the surface stuff, like my financial struggles when I was in high school, living on my own and trying to go to school while having several jobs. But I was an excellent liar, and it was simple for me to charm people into caring for me. But they had no idea who I was at all, and most of them still don't know about the skeletons in my closet.

I can also tell you that 'life' (not to be confused with living) is so good. I have been blessed with some very integral people who could see right through my ploy and were brave enough to confront it. And those people encouraged me to seek healing. It was a long and difficult road to where I am now, riddled with hurdle after hurdle. I felt like I had everything under control, and it was so hard for me to relinquish that control to the Lord even if it meant my freedom from guilt and shame. But as the chains were slowly broken, the grass was literally greener, the sky literally bluer, and life was all the more beautiful for I began to live in victory. 'Life' has changed me for the better. I am thankful for each day and for each person who has stuck by me through the two darkest periods in my life; summer of 2008 and winter of 2009-2010. I have real relationships that are grounded in the Lord, and am not so guarded. I am finally an authentic version of myself, and am growing daily.

But I don't think either 'life' or 'death' has altered me more than the transition from 'death' to 'life'. The struggle of that transformation stage is essential. That's where I have learned the most about myself and of the character of the God I serve. It is in that deep and desperate dark before the dawn of 'life' that I grew to rely more on God for understanding, grace, love and mercy. I don't throw those terms around lightly; I think that Christians often say that God is a God of grace, love and mercy without really thinking about what that means. But as I learned what those things really are, I was changed and I saw 'life' come in my relationships, my marriage, my church, and my daily living. Today, that 'life' is even more apparent; God has given me so many beautiful blessings in the transition stages, some of them most apparent after my husband and I moved to Calgary.  


It is in the dark times where one has very important decisions to make: Do you blame God for the 'death' in your life? Do you blame others? Maybe yourself? Or do you seek to understand your hurts to be free from them? Do you seek to understand you heart that there may be nothing that holds you from your divine purpose? Do you seek to understand that character of God more fully? Do you seek to understand your own responsibility? Do you surrender?

Having 'life' would not mean nearly as much without having 'death'. Neither 'death' nor 'life' will affect you more than the transition from 'death' to 'life' through Christ. And it is that transition that is a testament to His glory and faithfulness. What power.

I am praying for you, that you may find life. And if you are walking in life, then I pray that you will be living testament of victory. And if you are interested, this is a podcast page for the sermons at my church. I really REALLY encourage you to listen to the one entitled PURPLE: Resurrection and Judgement. It's a very excellent message (they all are).

1 Corinthians 15:55

"O death, where is your victory,

O death, where is your sting?"

-SP

Healing

I have been reflecting on life a lot more lately. I have been thinking critically about decisions that I have made, the consequences of them, and what might be different if I had chosen differently. Granted, I cannot dwell on the things that I cannot change, on the decisions that have already been made, and on the changes that those choices have caused. But in thinking about this, in attempting to understand the ways that I have gone wrong, or chosen correctly, I have found ways that I can improve.


A lot of the thought that I have been giving to this is because of the poor judgement I have had in the past in different aspects of my life. I have been in dark places that I would wish on no one. I have been though depression, I have seen the end of crucial relationships and have struggled mightily with understanding my own heart while learning about the grace I must have on others. The past few weeks have been so hard for me. I have wept in prayer while I invited the Spirit in to remove the guilt and shame that I have over some of the hurts that I have caused.


It's not an easy thing to let go of shame. Shame is one of the simplest tactics that the enemy uses to have a foothold in your life. Shame has been a common theme in my life, although most of the shame and contempt that I have carried in my short time on this Earth has been shoved on my shoulders and is not truly mine to carry. Bizarre, isn't it? When shame is let in, it begins to define us. I begins to take over and dictate our movements, our words, and our worth. But that's not how it should be. That is never how God intended it.


But healing can come. It is so possible. I know this because I have had to fervently live it out in my life, especially over the course of the past few years. I became free of the shame and self-contempt that was forced on me over time by the unrelenting grace of God. I was encouraged by my counsellor to call on the Lord and ask the Holy Spirit to come into my heart and reveal to me the ways that it is bound. And He did, so gently. Memories started coming back, things that I had spent so much time covering up and pushing away in an effort to self-preserve. And as they were revealed, He took the hurt and pain and spoke to me saying that I didn't need to carry those burdens anymore. And I was healed. I began to forgive, I let go of resentment, and I became a whole person.


That is the brilliant thing about grace. When you give God your trust, dive into His word and seek to live in His promises He will honour you. And that oppression that the enemy would have you live under to stifle your purpose is completely lifted. And then you experience new life. True life. 


This is not to say that there aren't consequences for your actions. There always will be cause and effect, whether good or bad. However, even when serving the consequence of your actions (like me cutting off my relationship with my father after he repeatedly refused to take responsibility for the abuse at his hand), you don't need to live under the thumb of evil. There are consequences to me too for my father's decisions, like not being able to attend family functions freely, and having to schedule times to see my siblings. But I don't live in guilt for the boundaries that were necessarily put up for I know that the Lord has delivered me and will provide all that I need. And for the bad decisions that I have made, the ones that I am now experiencing the consequences of, I know that God is a miraculous healer. I can depend on Him to restore the relationships that have been compromised by my poor actions. I can depend on Him to lead me and guide me as I atone. He will see to it that the life and love is renewed and strengthened for the betterment of His Kindgom.


I encourage you to truly lay your burdens down. We are not meant to walk through the hard times alone. I know that this is much easier to say than do. Being hurt and needing healing, divine healing, causes us to do strange things. We cling to that hurt. We convince ourselves that there isn't anyone else on Earth that could understand. And in vulnerable relationships, one will convince himself that he is completely right, that there is not other side to the story, and will be quick to blame the other party involved rather than being dedicated in seeking out his own responsibility. But healing, forgiveness, release from anger, wholeness to you and the relationship, and the return of unconditional love will come when it is God's face that we seek.


I pray that you will be drawn closer to Him, and that you will seek His heart. Trust Him, for He is worthy of your everything. And you too will experience healing and new life.


-SP

Calling

I have had some interesting and challenging conversations lately. One recent one was with a leader at our church. He took my husband and I out for coffee where we talked about life in general, both the good and the bad, and then he asked us where we see ourselved in both the near and not so near future, in life and as a part of our church.

That is a heavy question. It would be easy to break out the bucket list and start spouting off things like "buy a house" or "travel". It would be equally easy to say, when speaking of our place in our church, "we want to be part of the music ministry" (seeing as we are both musicians, and both know that is what we are called to). But his inquiry is so much bigger than that. He didn't ask for a check list, he asked for our hearts.

We didn't answer him right away, and truthfully still haven't answered him. I'm the type of person that needs time, some times lots of time, to process things like that. I don't like to respond hastily and then realize that the information I gave wasn't true to is later revealed to me.

Here is what I know: Music is my call. I am fortunate to have a husband who also has the same call on his life, though I know it will play out differently for us both. So I know that the end goal for us at this point is to be playing music full-time in some capacity. For me, it could be teaching or gigging, or maybe putting out my own album. For my husband, it is slightly different as he has no aspirations to be a solo artist, so our careers will end up looking different.

Here is what else I know: I have been blessed with my testimony. My life is a real example of death being turned into life by the abundant love and grace of God. I am now responsible to use that blessing for the betterment of the Kingdom. My story needs to be shared when ever I am given the opportunity. I have been seeking out those opportunities as well, offering myself to leaders in our home church, as well as our last church in Edmonton, that it might bring hope to others in a similar oppression to the one that I once was plagued by.

But there is so much more to my calling, to my end goal, now that I am married. My husband and I are one now, meaning our calls aren't seperate any longer. We need to seek the Lord together in order to grow together. This isn't just about me anymore, it's about us both. So how will our seperate callings, our differing passions, come together to become one cohesive family ministry? Hmmm.


-SP