Healing

I have been reflecting on life a lot more lately. I have been thinking critically about decisions that I have made, the consequences of them, and what might be different if I had chosen differently. Granted, I cannot dwell on the things that I cannot change, on the decisions that have already been made, and on the changes that those choices have caused. But in thinking about this, in attempting to understand the ways that I have gone wrong, or chosen correctly, I have found ways that I can improve.


A lot of the thought that I have been giving to this is because of the poor judgement I have had in the past in different aspects of my life. I have been in dark places that I would wish on no one. I have been though depression, I have seen the end of crucial relationships and have struggled mightily with understanding my own heart while learning about the grace I must have on others. The past few weeks have been so hard for me. I have wept in prayer while I invited the Spirit in to remove the guilt and shame that I have over some of the hurts that I have caused.


It's not an easy thing to let go of shame. Shame is one of the simplest tactics that the enemy uses to have a foothold in your life. Shame has been a common theme in my life, although most of the shame and contempt that I have carried in my short time on this Earth has been shoved on my shoulders and is not truly mine to carry. Bizarre, isn't it? When shame is let in, it begins to define us. I begins to take over and dictate our movements, our words, and our worth. But that's not how it should be. That is never how God intended it.


But healing can come. It is so possible. I know this because I have had to fervently live it out in my life, especially over the course of the past few years. I became free of the shame and self-contempt that was forced on me over time by the unrelenting grace of God. I was encouraged by my counsellor to call on the Lord and ask the Holy Spirit to come into my heart and reveal to me the ways that it is bound. And He did, so gently. Memories started coming back, things that I had spent so much time covering up and pushing away in an effort to self-preserve. And as they were revealed, He took the hurt and pain and spoke to me saying that I didn't need to carry those burdens anymore. And I was healed. I began to forgive, I let go of resentment, and I became a whole person.


That is the brilliant thing about grace. When you give God your trust, dive into His word and seek to live in His promises He will honour you. And that oppression that the enemy would have you live under to stifle your purpose is completely lifted. And then you experience new life. True life. 


This is not to say that there aren't consequences for your actions. There always will be cause and effect, whether good or bad. However, even when serving the consequence of your actions (like me cutting off my relationship with my father after he repeatedly refused to take responsibility for the abuse at his hand), you don't need to live under the thumb of evil. There are consequences to me too for my father's decisions, like not being able to attend family functions freely, and having to schedule times to see my siblings. But I don't live in guilt for the boundaries that were necessarily put up for I know that the Lord has delivered me and will provide all that I need. And for the bad decisions that I have made, the ones that I am now experiencing the consequences of, I know that God is a miraculous healer. I can depend on Him to restore the relationships that have been compromised by my poor actions. I can depend on Him to lead me and guide me as I atone. He will see to it that the life and love is renewed and strengthened for the betterment of His Kindgom.


I encourage you to truly lay your burdens down. We are not meant to walk through the hard times alone. I know that this is much easier to say than do. Being hurt and needing healing, divine healing, causes us to do strange things. We cling to that hurt. We convince ourselves that there isn't anyone else on Earth that could understand. And in vulnerable relationships, one will convince himself that he is completely right, that there is not other side to the story, and will be quick to blame the other party involved rather than being dedicated in seeking out his own responsibility. But healing, forgiveness, release from anger, wholeness to you and the relationship, and the return of unconditional love will come when it is God's face that we seek.


I pray that you will be drawn closer to Him, and that you will seek His heart. Trust Him, for He is worthy of your everything. And you too will experience healing and new life.


-SP