Marriage Part 2: Soul Mates?

I have had this conversation several times. Is there such thing as soul mates, or are there many people out there that could exceed at being "the one"? Before now, I hadn't formed much of an opinion on the matter, I just believed that one day I would find someone who would be a perfect match for me.

The other day, my husband and I were talking about a recent sermon at church. Near the end of the message, the pastor started to speak into the lives of some of the members. He made a broad statement, feeling as if it would hit home with at least one person, encouraging single people in the congregation to let God choose their mate for them. This caused me to reflect on my own relationship later in the week. My husband was placed in my path three times before I took notice of him. When I did, I quite literally needed to choose as I was seeing someone else at the time.

In looking back now on the things that we have gone through as a couple, I can see how God has so beautifully orchestrated our relationship. He brought me a man who is so willing to help me through my own personal struggles, and who is so committed to working out absolutely any issue that we encounter together. I really do believe that he was chosen for me as my husband. Yes, I did need to choose him, but I fervently prayed for a husband who had the same love for Christ and a desire to grow with me and God gave me a suitor.

But if I hadn't chosen my husband, would there be another? Or would I have lost out on my one soul mate? I remember a conversation from a long time ago with a friend I had at the time. We had a similar discussion, and she asked if I think that there is only one person out there for each person, or if we are allowed to choose. I hadn't really thought about it much at that point in my life, despite all the eligible bachelors that I was juggling/pining after. She said that she thinks that God lets us choose our mates, and then honours our choice. And while I think that at the heart of the matter, she may be correct, I think of things a bit differently.

I believe that God honours the desires of our hearts, because he placed them there. I have written before about how I believe I was created to be married. I have always had a desire to find the person that I am to be with and marry him. I searched for love and convinced myself it existed in relationships that it didn't. I was obsessed with it. But I spent a long period of time between serious relationships at one point. I was single for about two years, and while I would date I didn't enter into anything long-term. That was the point when I began to pray into my future marriage. I didn't want just anyone to fill that void, I wanted the right man, one chosen by God for me. I didn't want to feel as if I needed to compensate for him spiritually, emotionally or financially. I wanted someone who would lead me, be the head of the house, set the pace, and be after the same things that I am. I believe that God did, in fact, honour these desires. He gave me three opportunities to meet get to know my husband before I finally realized what a gift he is to me. But I also believe that if I had not chosen him, or if my husband did not choose me, there would be another.

I am reminded of a story I heard once at a conference. I can't remember the bulk of what was spoken about, but I distinctly remember one thing in particular that the speaker said. He was telling a story about someone he knew (I think). This person was called to something big, something weighty. He wrestled with it, and asked God "why me?" It was then he was deeply humbled. He felt in his spirit that God said to him "you aren't my first choice, you are my third."

I think that we can want God's will, but we can also reject it. That is our Eden right. This goes for everything, including choosing your spouse. There could very well have come a day when I would meet someone and say "why him?" and I could hear "he wasn't my first choice, but you rejected the others".

I don't believe in soul mates. But I do believe that when one submits to God's will, to His plan, that person will be honoured. I have absolutely been honoured with the man that was hand picked for me.

-SP

A Conversation That Blessed Me

Today is supposed to be the next day in my 30 day challenge thing, even though I haven't posted something every day (I like to take weekends of). But I can't post about that today. It is written and ready, picture and all, but I have had one of the most amazing experiences and I just must share about it.

I spoke to one of my brothers last night. He and I have a relationship unlike that which I have with any other sibling. I love all my siblings equally, but I have different relationships with all of them according to their stage of life. Three of my siblings are young, two of them in junior high, so it is challenging for me to connect with them on a deep heart level. I am excited for when that day will come, when they are a bit older and I can share more of my life with them, but for now I will continue to enjoy them where they are.

The brother that I spoke with last night is the third oldest. He is almost done high school and will soon be an adult. We have had a close relationship for years, but more recently we have grown to be very close, very open, and very loving with each other. He has always been one to ask a lot of questions, to make sure that I am ok, and now he is at a place in his life where I can slowly be more open with him about my struggles as I learn more about myself. He is very gentle and soft hearted, and slow to judgement and anger. It makes me excited to think of the amazing things that God will do in his life if my brother submits to His will.

At one point in our conversation, I asked him how things are at home. Home life is unstable at the best of times, and dangerous at the worst. I am concerned for the well being of my younger siblings, as they still live at home with an abuser. He told me that things are good and happy, that things have been changing. I asked him if things are ok with L, his father, the man that I called dad for my whole life until I cut off my relationship with him. This was the first time that my brother heard me refer to that man by his first name, and it caught him off guard. He asked me about it, so then I asked him how much he knows. Turns out, he doesn't remember much at all from when we were kids, except for the good times with another sibling and I, and the reasons for my absence from family functions are not spoken about in the house.


I went into things slowly, not wanting to overwhelm him with the information. I basically told him that L abused another brother and I when we were young. So, when I turned 18, I started to see a counselor about the abuse, and then a few years later invited L to a conversation where I confronted him on the abuse. He rejected me three times, blaming me, telling me that I am no virgin Mary, and the reason for his abuse, both physical and sexual was because of my disobedience. I continued, saying that after the third conversation where he rejected responsibility, I cut off the relationship. But the ball is in his court; if he has a change of heart, a real change, I would be open to allowing him back into my life, but until then he won't see or hear from me.

That's a lot of information to be thrown at you at one time, especially when we grew up in the same house. He said that he honestly had no idea, but if that's what happened then my decision is for the best. He told me that he gets it, because he and L didn't always have a great relationship, and things were bad for a while. He said that he is glad to know from me what happened before someone tries to tell him differently. I went on to say that I would love to share more about my life with him if and when he asks me too, but I respect and love him enough to know that that's a lot to process through, and I wouldn't want to burden him. I also said that I'm sure the pieces are starting to come together; because I cut off the relationship, that's why I was away for Christmas, and that's why we had Thanksgiving at my Grandpa's place.

I was worried about how he might respond. I told another brother, when I was in the thick of my counseling, that I may lean on him for support, because he is the only other person on the planet who can completely understand what occurred there. Rather than being open and loving, he shut down, telling me that I should just forget about it and move on. I was devastated. All I needed was for him to be soft and say "I understand, and I am here for you," but he would need to be willing to face the fact that his own heart was hurt in order to take care of mine in any way. At that time, he wasn't, but I guessed that he would be. Then, yesterday, I had a completely opposite experience with my other brother. He was open, honest, apologetic, and so loving. He didn't tell me to just let it go, he just said "I don't know what to say. I had no idea. I think that you made a good decision." I didn't expect that at all, I thought that it was more likely that I would be dismissed and told to forget about it. But he just loved me.

I have said for a long time that I have learned a lot from my siblings. They teach me more than they will ever know about what it means to love and accept people. This was one of the most beautiful, personal examples of that, and as a result we have a healthier, stronger relationship. I was able to share about who God is to me, and encourage him, and I look forward to the next time that we get to chat about life. He was open with me, honest about what he is having a hard time with right now, and when I trusted him in return with a bit of my own heart, I was greatly rewarded. Brother, I love you.

-SP

The Best Of Me

The love of my life :)

My husband and I had a really great conversation a while ago. We were out for a drive, having coffee, and we talked about how we interact with each other versus how we are with our close friends. We both concluded that we act with much more patience and grace with our friends and families than we do with each other. Isn't that backwards?

My husband is my best friend, truly. He has been one of the only steadfast, loyal, completely trustworthy people in my life in the years that we have been together. Yes, I have many friends and a few close friends that I share in my life with. But with most of those people, save for one or two, I am particular about the aspects of my life that I share with them, affording them glimpses into certain areas and closing off other areas to them, like a red velvet rope at a museum; they may wonder what is behind it, what would happen if they touched it, but are not given that opportunity. I think back to someone that I considered a close friend for years. We knew each other for a long time and were involved in a lot of the same activities at church and in school, but there were parts of my life, huge parts of my life, that I chose not to let her in on for fear of judgement because of her lack of understanding. I operate in this manner for the vast majority of my relationships.

Being my best friend, the person that I love spending my time and life with much more than anyone else, my husband should get the best of me. I should be able to have more patience, more grace, more understanding for him. But that's just not how it is. He doesn't get the worst of me, but he doesn't get my best. I am impatient, crude, uncaring and without grace at times. I get annoyed easily and jump to conclusions even in the instances that I know him better than that.

But the terrible thing is that I would never treat a friend like that. If there was something that a friend did or said that would cause me to step back and evaluate, I would ask for clarification rather than get upset. I am much less likely to become angry or annoyed with a friend than I am with my best friend and companion. Why is that?

We talked about it a bit more, saying that perhaps it's because of security. I know that if I were to fly off the handle, or be repeatedly annoyed and without grace, he will still be there tomorrow. And maybe it's safety. I know that I am safest with my husband, so maybe I feel more able to explore harsher emotions. I don't necessarily feel that same sense of security with my friends. A friend has the ability to walk away from the relationship because of a bad day. They are not obliged in any way to stick around . I know that, because I have walked away from relationships before with little warning or emotion. Maybe it's a fear of being walked away from that causes me to intentionally treat those I consider friends well consistently.

But this is not right! I am not saying that one should treat their friends with the same disregard as their partner. But if I am giving grace and goodness to my friends, then my husband should get that and more. He should get the absolute best of me. I should treat him with more love, with more grace and patience than anyone else in my world.

So we made a commitment. We helped each other become aware of this tendency, as we both struggle with it, and have committed to changing this trend in our relationship, a trend that we have seen in the marriages and committed relationships that our friends are engaged in as well. We have committed to try to give each other the best of ourselves. This will take time; we are certainly not perfect at it. But we are willing to try as best we can to first mimic the character that we display in our friendships, and then one day surpass that and give more to each other. He is my love, my life. He deserves the best of me.

-SP

Random Meeting

I ran into someone last night that I haven't seen in years. It was the most random meeting ever. When I knew him, he lived in a town just outside of Edmonton where I lived. I suppose you could call him an old flame, of sorts. We didn't get overly involved, but for the brief time that we were seeing each other, I fell hard and fast. He was charming, charismatic, funny, and somewhat daring. I was instantly hooked, although most people on the outside looking in failed to see his appeal.

A couple of people I would love to randomly see

The end of this story is obvious. My frail heart was broken when he told me that he didn't want to be with me. I was so intent on finding 'the one' that I made him fit into my perfect little mold for what my husband should be. I was also reeling from a break up, and though it had occurred months before I was still trying to find any possible means to move forward. I suppose I was trying to win the break up, for all you HIMYM fans out there.

It was a whirlwind relationship. We met randomly, became interested in each other, went out to dinner, met each other's friends, and found out that we had some mutual connections. Actually, I met one of my best friends through him. Then things went south very quickly. He told me the day after my grad that he didn't want to be with me. Then rumours circulated amongst the people that were in our limo that he hooked up with this other girl in my year who I didn't really know at all. She told this to my best friend, who in turn told me. I was so hurt. I asked him about it, and to this day have no idea what really happened, although I don't think that a random girl would make up that story for attention.

I saw him a few times after that, but it was never the same. There wasn't that same excitement in the friendship. I didn't trust him and was very careful around him. He introduced me to some people that he knew, people that I still maintain strong relationships with, but we lost touch later on. I deleted him from my facebook account when I did a thorough spring cleaning a couple years back. He then went to a couple of our mutual friends asking about it, which I found really hilarious. I was surprised that he even noticed, he has so many 'friends' on facebook. Then I ran into him at the mall, and he asked me about it, and I just kind of shrugged him off and moved on. We hadn't spoken since.

I have been interested in how he is doing. He dated another girl for a while. They were engaged, actually, and they broke up. Her and I were acquaintances, and when she told me her side of the story I found it difficult not to side with her considering our own tainted history. But it was none of my business, really, so I carried on with my own life, asking people about him once in a while and creeping his facebook whenever I thought to (which wasn't very often).

Then not long ago, my best friend saw him in Edmonton. I hadn't heard a single thing about him for a long time, so it was this blast from the past. We texted about how weird that is, and then put it to rest. The last night, I was walking through a mall in Calgary, and there he was. I didn't notice him at first, my husband is the one who recognized him. I turned around, we made eye contact, and at that point it was either we pretend it didn't happen or actually say hello. He called me by my maiden name, as he always did, and we said hello.

It was good to see him. He looks the same as he always has. He is operating his own business with a partner, putting ghost armour on phones (great product, check it out if you have a smart phone). He seems to be in good health, happy, but is living a gypsy lifestyle. He lives in Vancouver, but flies between three cities running his business, so he doesn't have a place to call home. I wonder how he deals with that; that would be really hard on me. But I think that the best thing about that whole exchange is that he and I both seem happy. While I don't know how his quality of life is, I know my own and it is excellent. It was good to connect without the resentment that once haunted his very name. It was good to see him. And just like the day we met, it was the last place that I would have expected to see him. True to the relationship, I suppose.

-SP

Good vs. Evil

This may be a controversial subject, more so than most that I have written about. But I wonder what you think. Do you think that humans are fundamentally good or evil?

This is something that has come up in one way or another several times in the past while. I have seen it talked about or mentioned on forums, and I have read articles and scientific studies about the brain and different brain centres that are present in a normal well-rounded adult versus those that are perhaps malfunctioning or missing in criminals. Most people that I talk to, or who have made mention of their opinion regarding this have stated that they believe that people are fundamentally good. They believe that humans are full of good intent, and that they basis of their being is goodness. I'm not sure that I agree.

Love this baby

I read an article a several months ago about a scientific study done with babies. Behavioral experts found that babies can start lying as early as six months old using fake crying and laughing to get attention. By eight months old, infants start to conceal forbidden activities and distracting parents attention. You can read the article here. This goes against everything that society would love to believe about children; that they are innocent and without fault, and it is the world or their parents that corrupt them, causing them to fall. For a long time, I believed this too, but buying into that mindset goes against what I believe as a Christian.

I'm not trying to throw the Bible at you, or convince you (if you don't share my belief system) that you are wrong. This is one of those things that people need to think about and decide for themselves. But I believe that every human, regardless of age, is in need to the grace and mercy of God, because no human is perfect.

I think that if we were fundamentally good and without fault, lying or deceit would not be our first line of defence when we feel cornered, and are doing something that we shouldn't. I think back to being a kid. I lied all the time. And not always little lies. Whenever I knew I was doing something I shouldn't I would lie. Or think about young kids even. If you catch a three year old drawing on the walls and ask him if he did it, he'll say no even if he is still holding on to the markers. Perhaps not all children are like this, but I have never come across one who's first instinct is honesty over a self-preserving attempt at deceit.

Maybe you have a different opinion. You are welcome to share it. In fact, I welcome it, but please do not do so anonymously. All I ask is that you at least attach a name to your comment.

-SP

Day In The Life Of

Do you ever wish you could live a day in the life of someone else? Not necessarily to escape your own life, but to better understand that person? To know their thoughts, insecurities, triumphs, feelings, to just better know them and why they relate to you in the manner that they do?

Day in the life of my rock star?

I have been thinking about this lately. Actually, it's been a recurring train of thought for the past few years, ever since I started counselling. As I started to better understand myself, I began to realize why I relate to certain people that way that I do, and as I began to change it was slowly revealed to me that people didn't understand me in the least. It was no fault of their own, they just had no idea the burdens that I was carrying, the guilt that was shoved on my fragile shoulders, and the self-loathing that plagued me. I began to see that I was this confusing, hardened victim living in a bubble of sarcasm and little emotion. I would push people away without even knowing it because I would never allow anyone to get a glimpse of the true me, for that was much too vulnerable. And now that I am different, much different, and changing every day into a more real version of myself I have become much more aware of the ways in which others around me interact. And because of my own past, when something doesn't feel quite right I often will pause and ask "I wonder what has happened that makes that person feel the need to do that, or speak in that way?"

I have the privilege of knowing a few people very well. They are brave, open and honest about their experiences and struggles. I know who they are inside and out, and if ever they do something that I don't quite understand, I have the freedom to inquire. They are beautiful people, truly, and I am so blessed to have them in my life as loved ones. But most people in my life are little more than strangers. We meet once in a while in public places with a bunch of other people. We have a beer, talk about the ridiculous/funny things that have been happening in our lives, along with the usual catch up on work, but that's about it. We don't have deep intimate relationships.

Take a couple of my co-workers, for example. They are wonderful people to be around, and we are always laughing together. But there are some things that they say and do to each other that I wonder about. They hide behind their sarcasm and name calling, and while it is welcomed by the other party it is sometimes uncomfortable to me; not because I am not used to their humour, but because it is evident that they hide behind it, as some sort of coping mechanism. One in particular will sometimes gloss over the emotional hurts that she endured with her ex, whom she left several years ago, and instead is the funny, loud one. I used the same coping strategies as she did for years, I am the master. I know what they look like, but I want to know now what they are hiding.

And then there are people who seem to have a wonderful, perfect life. I don't wish for their lives, I am quite happy in my own. But I just wish to know them better. On the outside, they are confident and strong, but are they that sure footed on inside as well? I sat with a mentor a while back and we discussed a relationship that I had with someone that we both knew. This person is a seemingly together person. I was hurt and angry about something that this person said, and as I talked my way through how my heart felt, I said at one point "I wonder what is going on, or has gone on, in that person's life that he/she would react to me in that way." I won't go into further detail about that conversation, it's irrelevant to this blog. But there are some people that I know who walk as if they are so sure of themselves, but the walls that guard them, while well masked, are obvious to me. Sometimes I wish that I could live a day, any day, in their shoes, with their thoughts, with their hurts, their victories, their demons, their feelings, just so that I can better understand them, and be a better, more loving and supportive friend.

I know that I am not meant to know everyone in this way. That may be too burdensome in and of itself. But I love, especially now at this point in my life, having opportunities to love, encourage, uplift and support people who are placed in the path of my journey, however insignificant their role may be. God has given me a soft and sensitive heart, and has shown me in recent days how I can be a blessing to others. Where I used to hold back my thoughts of encouragement, thinking that they would be unnecessary or cast aside, I now take the risk and make the phone call, or send the email/message when God places the opportunity in front of me. I will admit, it is scary to do that at times. The other day, I messaged a friend of my husband's on facebook, a girl that I don't at all really, telling her that she is beautiful. I have always thought that she is gorgeous, and every time she changes her facebook picture I look at them, because I find her stunning. She hasn't said anything back and I find that I need to keep reminding myself, my very human and insecure self, that I didn't do it for a response. It wasn't for my own need for affirmation that I said anything. It was because it was placed on my heart, and had been for some time, and I had finally found the courage to say it.

There is strength in vulnerability. Raw hurts don't need to be broadcast to the entire world; there are very few people who know me deeply. But with all others, I aim to be real and loving, allowing strangers and acquaintances glimpses of my heart for I know that the root of it is kind and full of good intent by God's grace. Sometimes I fail at this miserably, but most days I do succeed, and I have experienced a much more full and blessed life in being open and honest with myself and others. It hasn't come easily, and perhaps that's where the trouble is. It took work for me to become this person. It took effort, and many days and nights of feeling so lost before I finally found myself. Some people that I have known have found it just as easy as I once did to just ignore their pain and guard themselves diligently to keep anyone from finding our how broken they really are. I believe that to be one of the biggest lies that people accept and live with. There is no need to tire yourself and hide. That is not the answer. With honesty comes freedom, and where there is openness with each other as we live in community, there is support and love.

-SP