The End - Part 1

I have been thinking about death lately, both my eventual death and how I may react if/when someone really close to my heart passes away. As I originally began writing, I had so many different things running through my head that I thought it best to split this topic into at least two parts, so that I can try and make sense of it all.


Let me first pose a few questions. What is your biggest fear when it comes to death? Is it how you will die? Is it that your loved ones won't be taken care of? Does it have nothing to do with your own demise at all, and perhaps you fear being left behind? Is it something else entirely? Or would you say that you don't fear death, and all that comes with it?


The Bible talks a lot about death. Do not fear it, God is bigger than it, it can't separate us from His love. But the reality is that I am human, and I do fear it. I sometimes think about how I might die. I sometimes wonder if I would have made a positive impact on people, or if I would be resented. I wonder if my family will be taken care of, and take care of themselves during their grief period in a healthy manner. But my biggest fear is not in me dying; it's in those I love dying.


My husband and I sometimes touch on the subject, and usually I end up in tears...I can't imagine my life without him. I don't know how and when I would move forward and live my life. I don't think I would ever be ready to live my life apart from my life partner. And then I think about my brothers and sister. Two of my brothers have military dreams; one is in the military, and the other is counting down the minutes until he gets to enlist. If I got news one day that one of them was killed in the line of duty, I would be absolutely beside myself. I imagine I would go into a deep depression, not wanting anything to do with friends, going on a solo vacation, and alienate myself from the rest of the world because of the hole in my heart. I fear that I would self-destruct.


I have lived a life of courage and strength far beyond my own. I have been blessed with the counsel of extraordinary friends and mentors. But nothing would scar my heart deeper than losing one of the six people that I love the most, and I'm not sure what it would take to be healed. Perhaps it is the lack of a measuring tool that I fear...there is no formula, no standardized time frame for grief to take it's course.


Then I think about my own death. It would be terrible to die painfully. But that seems far fetched and unlikely to happen. It would be hard to come to terms with a terminal illness, but I would enjoy every day of my short life. I am not afraid of when it is my time. But I rely heavily on the love and affirmation of my siblings and husband...that is not something I could easily live without.

The six people have have my heart entirely

Let me ask again, and feel free to comment.


What is your biggest fear when it comes to death? Is it how you will die? Is it that your loved ones won't be taken care of? Does it have nothing to do with your own demise at all, and perhaps you fear being left behind? Is it something else entirely? Or would you say that you don't fear death, and all that comes with it? Hmmm...


-SP