Sigh

My mind has been overloaded lately with thoughts that I don't know what to do with. I go to blog, but don't want to sound as if I am complaining all the time. I don't like people who complain more than they are thankful. I have a good life, a great life, so I don't want to come off as if I am so hard done by. So where is the line? At what point does venting or processing become full on complaining?

I have two rough drafts of blogs written up that I thought about posting, but I don't know if I should. I wouldn't want a stranger to read my blog and say "man, this girl just needs to be happy". I am happy, and that is the truth. But I am going through so tough stuff at the moment. I am trying to sift through a relationship with someone I once called my best friend, as well as sort through some major family issues. During the holiday season, it's been really hard. Quality time with people is emphasized during this time of year, and the people that I normally would spend my time with are off limits due to complicated relationships and firm, but necessary, boundaries. While I am proud of myself for sticking to my guns, I am disappointed at the injustice of it all. It shouldn't be this way.

I was at a Children's Ministries conference a few years back. My heart was so soft the entire time. I don't know what exactly was happening, but God was really working in me. The speaker would tell stories of her ministry, and the different amazing things that were happening, as well as the hard things, and I would just sit and cry. I was so moved. I soaked in her words, bathing in them. I had vivid visions as she spoke, as if I were there experiencing it first hand. It was weird.

Later in the weekend, during the last seminar, she acknowledged the work that was being done in me. I was slightly embarrassed, quickly wiping away tears from my cheeks, but during the break she said some things that I will never forget. She said that as she spoke about some of the injustice, I would always sigh. In and of itself, that's not a big deal. I sigh all the time for various reasons. But she talked about a passage in the Bible where Jesus sighed. It wasn't a normal sigh. It was as if He were saying, without using words, "it isn't supposed to be like this". She then told me, as I had heard from others before, that I am a woman of courage and gave me a necklace that she wore around her neck that says just that. Courage. I talked to her about some insecurities, and she told me I am doing ok, that I have authority in Christ, and that she has seen small glimpses of it over the weekend. It was a life changing and timely experience.

My beautiful family

As I grew older and perhaps a bit wiser, with the help of a lot of people, I began to exercise that authority a bit. Not in a bad way. I don't crave power or to have people follow me. Just in necessary ways. The most obvious example of this is one that I have spoken about before (if you are an avid reader). I sat with my father in March and April, 2010, and asked him to accept responsibility for his actions. When he rejected me a total of three times, I cut off the relationship. We haven't spoken since April. That was a necessity for my heart and for him. I won't allow him to just graze over the hurt that he caused and ignore it for the sake of a fake relationship. I don't do fake very well.

But it's a continuous process. I feel sometimes as though I am complaining too much. But that's what I am dealing with right now. I am trying to be the woman of courage that I have been called to be while struggling with the necessary boundaries that I have put up. And these doubts are exaggerated during any family holidays. Where I once didn't have to give any thought to where I would spend my time, I now have to ask "is my father confirmed to come? Because if he is, I am unable to attend. I'm sorry." That puts a lot of restrictions on seeing my family. I won't step foot in my mom's house because I told him that he would neither see me nor hear from me until he was ready to accept responsibility (with the exception of a wedding or funeral). I can't go to family functions that I have been a part of for my entire life if he is going to be there, which he obviously would be. I need to be really creative at times about how I get to spend time with my mom and precious siblings. It isn't supposed to be this way!

I don't wish this on anyone, and I am thankful that I have people around me who hold me up when I am weak, and a God-given strength to follow through. I'm not complaining, really. I am happy and blessed, and my difficulties are usually mild. I just hope for a different reality in some aspects of my life.

-SP