Suspicious Activity

My husband and I had a great dinner tonight with a couple people from our new church. They are also quite new to the community, so they extended an offer to us to sit and meet with them. I was quite taken aback by this. Our last church was decently good at community in the time that I went there. The young adults ministry was especially welcoming and wonderful. But it's a strange concept to me, to be asked by another couple in the church for dinner. I didn't really know what to do with myself.

A completely unrelated, but cute pic of a penguin!

I am a suspicious person. A very suspicious person. I usually expect the worst and wonder about ulterior motives when people who don't know me well or at all ask myself or my husband out for things like coffee and dinner. And my tendency to suspect and wonder about people is not limited to the afore mentioned situations. I am like that with most things. I am a critical thinker with little grace at times. I don't know why I am like this, exactly, but I am. I am especially suspicious of people within the church that ask for our time in a more intimate setting. I was asked to meet with a woman at our church in Edmonton, and she asked some very personal questions. I felt cornered and since then I guess I kind of expect that everyone will be like that, that everyone wants to insert themselves inappropriately into my life and the life of my family. 


My husband is the opposite. He gives people the benefit of the doubt nearly all the time. He sees the good in people, the righteous in people, and wants to become more connected in the community. We sometimes miss each other when it comes to things like this. I have been trained to be suspicious, in both my upbringing and some ill experiences in a community that I once loved to be part of. I am working at being different, something other than the product of my negative life experiences, and each day am seeing small victories. But it is easy to revert back to old habits, and become and unwelcoming, cold person that people steer clear of. And for what? My own, unconfirmed, completely ridiculous insecurities. 


So we went tonight. And I tried desperately to think differently, to be open and inviting. And my husband was right; they genuinely wanted to know us and who we are and have us know them. And they are a beautiful couple, one that I already look up to and admire and want to be like. We talked at length about situations in their life when they have had to fully trust in God for provision and peace. And the stories that they told are seriously amazing and have helped me to have a renewed love and passion for Jesus. It was awesome to get a glimpse into their lives. To the human mind, they don't have much. You might even say that they aren't smart, or are unsuccessful. But I know different. We spent a few hours with them tonight, and God's love and mercy is so evident in their testimony, and in how they live and parent. It was such a privilege to get to sit with them and listen to their stories.


And they were interested in our lives, and how we are, and who we are. They asked how they can pray for us, and support us. They stressed that they want to build relationships. We want all those things too! It was a very great experience for me.


I am learning; learning to let go of my insecurities and trust that God has what is best for me in mind when He provides opportunities to build relationships with others. And it will come, slowly. I may need to relearn it lots. But as I let my guard down and allow my heart to shine through my sometimes hardened exterior, He will move and He will provide a safe place for it to fall. 


-SP

A Year In Review

2010 has been a crazy year full of massive life changes for my husband and I. I have been reviewing the year in my mind, as I ususally do around this time between Christmas and New Years. I have already written about some things, or mentioned them in passing, in my blog. Here is a more comprehensive list of the highlights, and a few not so desireable life situations, throughout this past year.

By the time January, 2010 rolled around, my husband and I knew that we were moving to Calgary. We didn't tell many people, but did share the news with a few friends after the Christmas Eve service at church in 2009. We had been throwing around the idea for a couple months by this time, thinking that July 2011 would be the time that we would switch cities. But a few weeks passed by and we quickly realized that it may be much sooner than that, although we didn't expect that it would be as soon as May. We were so excited about the prospect of change. It gave us so much hope for what was to come. We knew that, especially for me, there would be dark and difficult days ahead, but a new beginning was also on the horizon somewhere, and we had strength to endure.

I was then left to sift through an unhealthy friendship. The whole situation led to a bunch of things. My husband and I stepped down from a ministry position that we had been heavily involved in for quite some time. I really felt that I wanted to step away from it, because if this person and I were going to have resolve in our relationship I didn't want her to feel that I was seeking reconciliation because I wanted to be a leader in the church. I wanted us to be able to seek and find each other, and find healing, when we were ready and not under prying eyes.

I sat with my cousellor and told her of our plans to move. We didn't have a definite time line at this time, but our plans had changed from July, 2011 to July, 2010. With the end of the friendship and the resignation from the ministry, we were beginning to see that there wasn't much keeping us in Edmonton. I had been seeing my counsellor for almost three years by this time, and together with her made some goals which included sitting with my father and confronting him in love regarding the abuse that was suffered at his hands as a child.

In March, I felt alone, but was starting to more deliberately build relationships in our new home, Calgary. By this time, I had met my best friend, and wondered where she had been all my life. She and others were a huge support to me.

I invited my father to meet with me for the fist time in March. It went exactly as I had expected. He didn't respond well, which is fine; that's his choice. So I again invited him a couple weeks later, where he walked out on me, and then again a couple weeks after that. He rejected me all three times, at which time I ended the relationship with him. We haven't spoken or seen each other since.

My counsellor asked me to write a testimony of the counselling and healing process that she could give to new and existing clients who are experiencing a similar process. God gave me a vision, the most beautiful vision I have ever had. He gave me this amazing analogy to my healing, and then carved out this amazing space for me to write it all. I truly believe that writing is annointed and is an accurate and relateable picture of the healing process.

At the same time that the cut off with my father was occurring, my husband's parents contacted us. We hadn't been in contact with them for about a year at this point. The relationship was not good. We decided to meet in April. We had two meetings in one week at a central and neutral location for all of us. It was an interesting time for me. I had just experienced the emotional detachment from a man that I now refer to by his first name, and felt raw and uneasy about what was about to be talked about with my husband's family. But what happened was beautiful and surprising. Everyone was in the right heart state to hear and listen, and what we saw was some immediate healing. And though healing is still coming in some areas of relationship, we actually have a relationship now, one that is safe and vulnerable and validating. I could really see how God had orchestrated the entire thing. I was rejected and cut off from my own father, and accepted and loved fully within one week by a new family. I couldn't have asked for it to happen any better.

We told my husband's parents, who reside in Calgary, that we had plans to move. They immediately offered one of their properties to us to live in. Shortly after that, my husband had a job lined up, and within a week of moving I had a job. It was unreal.

We moved, left a church body that I had been part of for a large chunk of my life, left friends that I had confided in and loved, and went away from my siblings who are my entire world. It was stressful. But God quickly filled the holes with new things, better things. We started to look for a new church body to be part of, one that is led by leaders who are respected and give respect. We started to build relationships with new friends, relationships that are full and whole.

We found a church that we love. And though I struggle at times with wanting to be involved, and not knowing if my heart is ready for the challenges that come with being part of a leadership team, I know that it's a good place for us right now. And we are happy there, much happier than we were and, ultimately, much more respected than we were. Respect is a huge for me.

My sister came to visit me this summer :)

We have started new traditions with our friends. We have had a Christmas celebration and summer vacation with our best friends. It was so fun. And other amazing friends of ours had a baby, who is beautiful and wonderful, and whom we love so deeply. We have plans to paint our house and maybe get a new car.

I decided that I want to go to school. It's time. I know what I want to do and where, it's just a matter of when. I know when I want to go, but I don't know where that fits into God's time.

My husband and I saw our first anniversary. It was a trying year at times, but worth it. He is so worth it. I love my husband more than anyone on this entire Earth. I am so blessed to have him in my life.


I got to be a bridesmaid for the first time for a woman that I love dearly. It was an awesome experience.

The year was full of change and frustration, but the victories were large and satisfying. I hope that next year will be equally as satisfying and blessed. I have a great life.

-SP

Christmas Production

Ever work so hard at something and then end up slightly disappointed with the result? And really, at the end of the day, it's out of your control, it's just how it went? That's how I felt after the Christmas performance (if we can call it that, as performing wasn't necessarily the focus), but I left with more than I had expected. A full heart.

For weeks, we had listened to songs, learned parts, and tried to understand the bigger picture. The band and vocalists would get together frequently and rehearse all the music for hours in anticipation of the day when it would all come together. At times it felt as if it never would. It was definitely a huge growing experience for everyone who was involved.


And then the dress rehearsal came. After all the blood, sweat, and sometimes tears, it was finally coming together. But there were some unexpected set backs. The worship leader at our church got into a terrible car accident. And while he was in tact and out of the emergency room on the day of the performance, he was stiff and sore. My heart ached for him. He put so much work into the whole thing, far more than I, and he wasn't able to participate to the capacity that he wanted to, and that we (thought) needed him to. And the day before the performance was really difficult. It was hard not to have a definite person to look to for direction, someone who had been there all along and who had lead every aspect of the production. Save for a few mishaps, everyone came together as best as possible. And by the end of it, we were feeling good. Stressed, maybe a little hurt and tired, but ok.


The day of, we did a quick dress rehearsal and most of it went much better than in past weeks. I got excited. It was almost over. The reason for all of this work was upon us, and then we could congratulate each other, hug each other, and move on to the next thing. We prayed as a community of worshippers before kick-off, and one guy in the room, a guy I don't know well but would love to know better, made an amazing point. First, he emphasized our thanks as a group to our leader. We could not have done it without him. He deserves to be acknowledged. My heart echoed his sentiments one million times, as I really appreciated being able to look to our team leader. And it was unfortunate that our leader couldn't join us for everything, but this guy went on to say that the devil will do whatever he can to hinder something as beautiful as this. The enemy will always try to throw us off our game, but we have victory. And no matter what happened that day, God would be glorified, and that really truly is the reason that we do any of this. Amen.

Need more rest, right here

The performance began. I have to say, I wasn't at all disappointed with the entire thing, I was mostly hard on myself when all was said and done. I felt that I did well during the rehearsal, and then didn't bring my A-game when it was time. I don't usually mess up too much, so messing up a little bit leaves me with some regret. But what happened by the end of it, no matter how many wrong chords or flat notes, was beautiful and moving. God moved. He swept in like a gentle breeze and took hold of the community. And we stood and worshipped in absolute awe of the miracle of Christmas, and the sovereignty of our Lord. Our senior pastor walked to the pulpit with tears in his eyes as he spoke. It was a spectacular scene. To be able to witness God work in the community, and especially in the soft hearts of this churches leaders was an awesome thing to be part of. 


It was relieving when it was all said and done. I think everyone felt like we had accomplished something, But what happened on the inside, underneath all the lights and music and coordinated clothing/accessories is what matters, and is something I won't soon forget. 


-SP

Relaxation Mode

I love days like today. I am sitting in comfy clothes in my living room, going over the tunes for a wedding gig tonight and planning what to wear. I like these moments in life, where I get to sit back and relax for the morning and early afternoon and then go to 'work' in the evening doing something that I absolutely love with people I love to be around. I am also excited that my husband and I have been getting a lot more opportunities to play together. That puts it over the top for me. Neither of us need to sit on the sidelines, we get to share in this awesome experience together. There is no greater thing for me right now.


I am becoming more excited about life in general lately, especially in the past couple weeks. I feel light and free. Life has been eventful and busy, being that the Christmas season has just ended. And personally it's been a struggle at times, with the definite end of an unhealthy relationship. Also, this is the first Christmas that I haven't spent with my family, and the circumstances under which I needed to miss out on seeing them is far from desirable. But life is good and blessed. I am a lucky woman who knows now what it is to be valued and loved by dear friends and a healthy family. It's a shame that it took 22 years, but I know it now, and I will never ever let go.

His and hers pedicures. Oh, to be on vacation again

I have laid awake in bed for a few nights now, reliving some of the key moments of this year. I have been thinking about what to write about, how to summarize 2010. And I'm not quite sure yet how to describe the past twelve months, so I will leave those musings for another time. Perhaps after my holiday hiatus, when life is a little bit more normal and scheduled and I am forced out of relaxation mode. 


For now, I will sip my Starbucks, finish learning some tunes, and maybe take a nice, relaxing, mid-day bath. I could get used to this.


-SP

Christmas Eve

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...

Jack Frost nipping at your nose...

Yuletide carols being sung by a choir...

And folks, dressed up like eskimos...

What a beautifully familiar picture this paints in my head. Perhaps that's why it's my favourite holiday song. A relaxing scene, quite contradictory to the mostly busy season that Christmas is, but then Christmas Eve comes...

The busyness lessens, the traffic wanes, and if we are lucky there is fluffy, glittery snow falling from a lightly clouded sky, one where you can still see the glimmering stars. Christmas specials are on television, the fire is crackling (or, if you don't have a fireplace, the fire channel on tv), and old carols are playing in the background. I am lucky this year to sit in a beautiful house with my husband, curled up on the couch under our favourite blanket in comfy clothes with a cup of hot chocolate that may or may not have an ounce of liquor in it. We also have, for the second year in a row, built a Lego creation this evening. That is our tradition. I am excited that we are starting to have our own little family traditions.

I love Christmas Eve, much more than Christmas Day. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's the anticipation of tomorrow morning, maybe it's the candlelit service at church. But there is something magical and exciting about Christmas Eve. I may never be able to pinpoint what exactly it is, but I love it. I wish I could be more descriptive. 

This year's Lego creation

I find myself beginning to really reflect on the past year. 2010 has been a trying, but equally exciting time for us both. I have seen the end of two toxic relationships as well as a new beginning to two other relationships. We moved cities, we have built relationships with new people and a new community that we now call our best friends and our home, we have both gotten serious about our music careers and have gotten some amazing opportunities to play this year, and we saw our first anniversary. And the year is not over yet, although I think we both are hoping for an uneventful week.

Come the New Year, I'm sure there may be one or two reflective blogs. But for now, we bask in relaxation and Christmas specials. What a wonderful life.

-SP

The Purpose Of This Blog Is...

I have run into some expected backlash regarding some of the things that I write about. I was asked to respect some one's privacy, and not post anything personal online. I sat with that comment for a while. I thought hard about what I have written. I looked back at some more personal posts, trying to find things that are inappropriate and disrespectful. I prayed about that request, had a few conversations with wise people about it, and then decided not to heed it. This post will explain why, and also clearly state the purpose of this blog.

When I started this blog, I had a vision in mind. I eventually want to write a blog that more specifically addresses the hurts that I experienced in my childhood. I have written frequently on being abused as a child. I would love to be able to share my experiences of hurt and God's amazing healing to an audience that needs a voice. I will do that, once I have a bit more of a game plan and some key supporters in tow. For now, I am testing the waters, seeing how many people would be interested and involved in a personal account of my current life using stories and experiences that aren't necessarily linked to the child abuse of my father, but instead what I am currently learning and processing through as an adult, a friend, a wife, and a survivor.

I titled the blog "Make Me A Rainbow". That is a plea to God. I want to live for His glory and desire for Him to make my life a bright and beautiful rainbow of colour that it might please Him. The description of the blog is simply "living life in colour". Life isn't black and white. There aren't step by step processes and no one fits in a mold, so it's a constant learning process. And the colours in life aren't always beautiful and bright pinks, golds, and reds. Sometimes they are dreary browns, lifeless blues, and puke greens. I intend to write while keeping in mind that life isn't always hunky dory. Sometimes it is full of beauty and triumph and joy, and in other times it is hard and seems hopeless. I desire to be real, and not selective, while respecting the people that may be involved in my journey.

How another one of my 'kids' sees Jesus

When I began my blog, I knew that eventually someone would point out the controversial things that I blog about. But the purpose is not to stir up controversy and make people talk. No. It's about using my own life as an example of God's beautiful peace and love, for I know it. Sometimes I write in the thick of the moment, when I am hurting and questioning, but I know unequivocally that resolve and peace will come, for I have trusted my life and my situations to God. I gave a lot of thought to how I should write upon starting this blog. Here are the things that I have committed to.

I will never use real names. While the situations are real, I will never point out who you are to those that are reading. The only real name that will be given out is my own first name. I have never even named my husband. And if someone were to privately ask me to confirm your identity, I would not.

I will never say anything that I would be ashamed to have you read. There is nothing on here that I wouldn't say to your face.

I will never intentionally disrespect you. The purpose is not the paint you in a bad light. Not even the man who abused me. I will never call you derogatory names. While I will sometimes speak of my own assumptions and opinions, I will be clear that they are not necessarily truth, and I could be wrong, but they are instead fueled because of how I am feeling. I am not above reproach, and will not pose my personal opinions as truth, for there are several sides to a story, not just my own.


I will not accept anonymous criticism. I do welcome your thoughts, however critical, but I want there to be a name attached even if I don't know who you are. If you are nervous or witholding your thoughts because you don't want others to see them and know who is speaking, or you think that you may be the subject of the next blog, I promise that will never happen. As stated earlier, the purpose is not to paint you in a bad light, and I do want to hear your thoughts. You can alternatively email me, and I will do my best to hear and acknowledge you there. Just as I dislike anonymous criticism, I also kind of dislike anonymous encouragement because I would love to know who is speaking. You get a huge open window into my life, all I ask for is your name.

I write for many reasons, the largest being that I have had a lot of people contact me because they are encouraged by my journey and my honesty. I have had countless people contact me via email, comments, or personal messages saying that they are happy to know someone who has 'been there'. I have had opportunities to share about the perfect love I have come to know because of the life events I share. And there are few people that I would censor myself for, given the intent of this web space.

If my father were to come across this blog and ask that I take down some entries and discontinue writing about them, I would tell him no. Not enough people are open about their experiences, their hurts, and especially not about the healing process. I desire to be open about those and other experiences, because I have had many people tell me that my journey, or aspects of my journey, are relatable. I felt so alone for so long in my life, because no one spoke out about common hurts. I refuse to be silent, both about the abuse I have suffered and the day to day life choices I am working through. I won't make a concession to be quiet about the deepest hurts of my life and the process of healing, so why would I do that for other, far less controversial hurts that I am currently working through? I accept that there may be consequences for this point of view, and that I may lose some people along the way. I expect that not everyone will be happy with my choice. But it is a worthwhile battle for me, knowing the positive impact my vulnerability has made in the lives of people that I know, and the strangers that I would love to get to know.

If you are offended by what is contained in these pages, don't read. You are not required to read this. And if you do decide to read, you are not required to agree with me. You are welcome to contact me if you think that I am crossing a line, and I will carefully consider your words. I will not dismiss your concerns, I promise you that. I encourage you to respond in a grown up manner. Don't become bitter and angry and never confront me. If you are hurt, you need to tell me; I can't know that you are hurt unless you say something. I am happy to explain myself to anyone, and listen to and validate any concerns or questions you may have.

-SP

New Year's Resolution

Lego games and Lego...best way to ring in the New Year

The New Year is coming! I love New Year's. It's my favourite holiday. I love the party, the dancing, the excitement, the fireworks, the silly hats, the champagne. I love it all. There is something powerful about a new beginning, and I'm glad for a holiday each year that signifies change; change for the better, new goals, new adventures.

But this year, I have resolved to not make any resolutions. I feel like I set myself up for failure that way. I jump onto the proverbial bandwagon for a few weeks, and fall right back off with a resounding thud. A couple years ago, on April Fool's, I decided I would stop biting my nails. Now, you have to understand, this was huge for me. I have bitten my nails until my fingers looking more like the stubby ends of amputated limbs my entire life. People had bothered me to stop for years, but I never listened. I had tried to resolve the issue on more than one New Year's. I would be good for a few weeks, and then realize "wait, I don't really want to do this. I just got lost in the New Year's spirit," and then I would quit. And then one fine April evening, I decided with all of me that I was done with it. Yes, I failed at it a couple times, once quite miserably, but I have beautiful, long, natural nails now and no desire to go back.

A New Year's resolution is a fine idea. Everyone has goals that they want to achieve. For some, it's weight loss. For others, it's spending more time with family. For me, it's to go to the gym/do hot yoga more (or at all, that would be a good start). But you have to want it, with all of you. It may seem like a novel idea to ring in the New Year with a lifestyle change. And maybe you have more discipline and self-control than I, who severely lacks discipline most days. But I have never seen someone succeed without wanting it badly. You need to be passionate about your life change, and about the end result in order to stick with it. Resolutions are great, except that they are work; a lot of work.

I learned that the hard way. I experienced a huge life change in the past four years. I faced the demons of my past with the help of some really key people, and am a changed woman because I stuck with it. But I wouldn't have if I didn't, with every fibre of my being, see a need to put that work in. And I wouldn't have stopped biting my nails if I didn't see the need for it. And I wouldn't have quit countless other bad habits if I didn't see the benefit of it in the end. I think what helped me the most is that I focused not on where I was (most of the time) but where I could be. It can seem utterly hopeless in the midst of trial, and we rarely are able to recognise our progress as we journey. But when you are able to look back and say "wow, I came from a hard place, and it was hard, but I made it and I am a better person now," it all becomes worth it.

-SP

Sigh

My mind has been overloaded lately with thoughts that I don't know what to do with. I go to blog, but don't want to sound as if I am complaining all the time. I don't like people who complain more than they are thankful. I have a good life, a great life, so I don't want to come off as if I am so hard done by. So where is the line? At what point does venting or processing become full on complaining?

I have two rough drafts of blogs written up that I thought about posting, but I don't know if I should. I wouldn't want a stranger to read my blog and say "man, this girl just needs to be happy". I am happy, and that is the truth. But I am going through so tough stuff at the moment. I am trying to sift through a relationship with someone I once called my best friend, as well as sort through some major family issues. During the holiday season, it's been really hard. Quality time with people is emphasized during this time of year, and the people that I normally would spend my time with are off limits due to complicated relationships and firm, but necessary, boundaries. While I am proud of myself for sticking to my guns, I am disappointed at the injustice of it all. It shouldn't be this way.

I was at a Children's Ministries conference a few years back. My heart was so soft the entire time. I don't know what exactly was happening, but God was really working in me. The speaker would tell stories of her ministry, and the different amazing things that were happening, as well as the hard things, and I would just sit and cry. I was so moved. I soaked in her words, bathing in them. I had vivid visions as she spoke, as if I were there experiencing it first hand. It was weird.

Later in the weekend, during the last seminar, she acknowledged the work that was being done in me. I was slightly embarrassed, quickly wiping away tears from my cheeks, but during the break she said some things that I will never forget. She said that as she spoke about some of the injustice, I would always sigh. In and of itself, that's not a big deal. I sigh all the time for various reasons. But she talked about a passage in the Bible where Jesus sighed. It wasn't a normal sigh. It was as if He were saying, without using words, "it isn't supposed to be like this". She then told me, as I had heard from others before, that I am a woman of courage and gave me a necklace that she wore around her neck that says just that. Courage. I talked to her about some insecurities, and she told me I am doing ok, that I have authority in Christ, and that she has seen small glimpses of it over the weekend. It was a life changing and timely experience.

My beautiful family

As I grew older and perhaps a bit wiser, with the help of a lot of people, I began to exercise that authority a bit. Not in a bad way. I don't crave power or to have people follow me. Just in necessary ways. The most obvious example of this is one that I have spoken about before (if you are an avid reader). I sat with my father in March and April, 2010, and asked him to accept responsibility for his actions. When he rejected me a total of three times, I cut off the relationship. We haven't spoken since April. That was a necessity for my heart and for him. I won't allow him to just graze over the hurt that he caused and ignore it for the sake of a fake relationship. I don't do fake very well.

But it's a continuous process. I feel sometimes as though I am complaining too much. But that's what I am dealing with right now. I am trying to be the woman of courage that I have been called to be while struggling with the necessary boundaries that I have put up. And these doubts are exaggerated during any family holidays. Where I once didn't have to give any thought to where I would spend my time, I now have to ask "is my father confirmed to come? Because if he is, I am unable to attend. I'm sorry." That puts a lot of restrictions on seeing my family. I won't step foot in my mom's house because I told him that he would neither see me nor hear from me until he was ready to accept responsibility (with the exception of a wedding or funeral). I can't go to family functions that I have been a part of for my entire life if he is going to be there, which he obviously would be. I need to be really creative at times about how I get to spend time with my mom and precious siblings. It isn't supposed to be this way!

I don't wish this on anyone, and I am thankful that I have people around me who hold me up when I am weak, and a God-given strength to follow through. I'm not complaining, really. I am happy and blessed, and my difficulties are usually mild. I just hope for a different reality in some aspects of my life.

-SP

Best Saturday

I had the greatest possible Saturday in the history of life this past weekend. Well, second only to my wedding day, I suppose, but that day was so full of formalities that it became very tiresome, very quickly. So, in the history of Saturdays in my whole life, minus my wedding day, this past Saturday was the best one yet.

It was a packed day, and had a stressful start, but by the end of the day it was amazing. The day started with a rehearsal at church for a Christmas concert for Sunday the 19th. Every single rehearsal has been the bane of my existence. I find them very tiring and I lose patience quickly. I wouldn't if some of the people that were there were diligent in knowing their parts before coming, but maybe I expect to much (not).

Then I had to find boots. Not winter boots, that would be easy. I wanted over the knee leather boots to complete my gig outfit. I finally found a pair that met my budget and was off to sound check. I didn't need to be overly involved in sound check, as I was just checking a couple tunes, but the tension was palpable and the time restrictions were getting to everyone. We got a few hours off between the sound check and the gig, and then it was show time. And man, what a show!

I had the awesome privilege of playing with some of the most talented people in Calgary. It was amazing. To have a group of like-minded individuals come together and perform to their strengths for hours is probably the greatest thing to witness and be part of. Every performer and every guest had a great time, and you could tell. The atmosphere was amazing, the bar was open, and the music was excellent. I think that every musician walked away feeling fulfilled and hungry for another gig with the same exact group of people. I haven't had many better performance experiences. Actually, scratch that; that was definitely the best performance experience I have had thus far.

It was so natural and exciting. I love getting in front of a crowd of people and performing. It's the greatest feeling. And to get to perform with that group of amazing people, with that group of friends...there isn't anything better for me right now.

-SP

Bad Day

Penguins make me feel better

I have hit a slump. I don't like my job, I don't like how busy the holidays are becoming, I don't like that my husband's schedule is so sporadic, I don't like that the phones at work have been ringing off the hook and I can't concentrate on anything, and I don't like how stressed I am. I don't like my life right now. Tomorrow is a new day, blah blah blah, this is just a phase, ya ya ya, *insert useless expression that gives zero comfort here*. I spilled coffee in my car today on my way back from Starbucks, which never happens to me. That was the icing. I'm just waiting for some other unusual and frustrating thing to happen, that is sure to be the proverbial cherry on my crap sundae.

I don't ususally complain this much. While I call myself a realist, I am a realist that tends to lean towards the optimistic side of things. I have always been good at seeing the silver lining. I was abused, but now I have a story to tell. I went to a church where I wasn't valued and respected by some key people, we moved to a city and a community where we both are. For big and stressful situations in my life, I can usually look in and say "it'll change, just be patient. You're doing ok." But today is one of those days where I am just consumed with this disdain for everything. When someone calls the switchboard at work, I get frustrated because I am focussed on something else. When I get a text, I push my phone away annoyed at the noise it makes. I am driving more impatiently than usual, and I have a rehearsal tonight that I'm not even slightly interested in attending because I don't want to sit with a bunch of people for several hours that I don't really want to see. This isn't even what I wanted to write about today, but I can't remember for the life of me what it was that I had in mind, because I can't see past my own frustration right now. This sucks.

Ever have one of "those" days? There seems to be nothing that could get me out of this mood. I am just depressed and losing grip and hope, but I'm not entirely sure why. It's not just this day. I think it's been a slow and steady series of irritations leading up to this moment where I just want to hit something. The last (and only) time I did that I shattered a windshield...that was not a good day. So no, I shouldn't hit anything, especially not something breakable. So I guess I just wait until this day passes, and hope that "this is just a phase, blah blah blah..."

Ugh...

-SP

The End Part 3: Going Home

A woman I consider my friend posted on her facebook today that she visited her Grandma in the hospital. Her grandma took my friend's hand and said "I want to stay here with my family but I want to go home too. I've lived a good long life." Wow.

Grandma :)

It reminded me of a few converstions I have had with my own grandma, who is in poor health. She lives in Lac La Biche with my grandpa who has also been having one health issue after another lately. They are far away from their immediate family, with my family living in Edmonton and myself and my husband residing in Calgary. They make frequent trips to Edmonton to see their doctors, but driving is becoming more and more perilous considering my grandpa's age and health, and the fact that my grandma is unable to drive. Everything seems to be against them. But she is one of the most inspiring women I have ever had the privilege to know.

She is filled with peace and joy. Every time I talk to her on the phone, she is excited; excited to be alive, excited about the Lord and her church community, and excited that her turn to enter Heaven is coming. It's weird to talk to her about death sometimes. She'll call out of the blue to keep me updated on her health, as well as that of my grandpa, and no matter if the news is good or bad she just says "oh well, I am ok. I am ready to go home." I want to have that peace when it is my time.

Fear often comes out of a lack of understanding. Perhaps that's why many people fear death. We don't understand how it might feel, what it might look like, or how our remaining family will cope. That's a lot to try to process. I admire my grandma. She doesn't analyze or seek in vain to completely understand. She just knows that she's on her way home.

-SP

Balance

It is 3:30 in the afternoon on a Sunday, and I feel like it should be closer to bed time. My husband is sick with food poisoning, and I have lazed away the weekend watching the trashy reality television that I love so much and eating mac n' cheese. I was thinking yesterday about a few people I know who are always out and doing something. Their lives seem so full and exciting. They go out and experience the world while I sit indoors with hot chocolate and my laptop thinking about how fun it would be to do something. 


If you read my 100 things blog, you would know that I am bored easily; much more easily than the average person I think. I get into these sudden moods where I need to do something or I am restless and agitated. I need to go for coffee with a friend, or go to a lounge to have a drink, or just do anything. I have always been that way. I have always been out with friends on some sort of "adventure", experiencing the spontaneous and slightly dangerous part of life. I lived from day to day looking forward to the next thing, anticipating the next hair brained idea, excited to laugh and be with my friends. When I was a kid, my siblings and I spent all our time outside. My brother and I would spend anywhere from four to six hours in the park each day during the summer. Every winter we would get all our snow stuff on and head outside. We were active and played games and did things. I wonder where that has gone lately.


Recently, I have been more of a home body. I get home from work, exhausted, and don't want to do much other than sit at home and cuddle up on the couch. I think it's for a lot of reasons. Work is draining. It's hard to be working at something for eight hours a day that you aren't thoroughly passionate about. I find that it sucks the life out of me, but it pays the bills so I need to do it for now. Also, my husband and I are working very hard to pay off our bad debt, and at the rate we are going we could have it all paid off in about a year. That would be awesome! Then we could save some money, I could go to school, and we could look at buying our first house. So, in trying not to spend very much our options are reduced greatly. We have a latte every Saturday, maybe have a quick fast food dinner once or twice a week and that's about it.

This was an adventurous night!

But I need more adventure. I need more spontaneity. I want to see more of Calgary and go to the mountains and learn to snowboard. I want to sky dive, and go white water rafting again, and take a grand vacation. I want to learn to surf and wakeboard, and climb an ice wall. I think that adventure is what is missing for me. There is this void, this boredom that is insatiable. I have never been such a couch potato, and I hate it. There is so much of the world, and even just my city, to see and experience and here I am in the condo that I know like the back of my hand doing nothing. For pete's sake, I don't even use the pool in the building. 


I don't mind being a home body. I am a different person now compared to who I was in high school when our mini adventures were a regular occurrence.  I am more introverted and reserved and really enjoy just having a few close friends over for a card/board game and a glass of wine. But I feel like that attitude sometime makes me miss out on other beautiful things. I need to make time for those things. But on the other hand, my husband and I are chalk full of stuff to do nearly every weekend, so it is nice to be able to just sit and relax and not do a whole lot once in a while. I just think that doing nothing is becoming too regular. I need more irregularity in my life, without disrupting the routines that I cling to and need. I know that it's possible, I have had that before. I guess I just need more balance.

-SP

100 Things: Get To Know Me Edition

Here are 100 things you may not know about me, and I may not otherwise admit.

1. When I was a kid, I had a terrible nightmare. It haunted me for years, and because of it I would often jump on and off my bed if my bedroom was dark because I feared being dragged under. I still do it sometimes.

2. My favourite food is popcorn. But not the microwave stuff, I like making it on the stove and seasoning it myself. If I could have popcorn every single day I would be a happy girl.

Moi

3. My favourite snack, though, is still Salt and Vinegar chips...not to be confused with favourite food.

4. I like using big words. They make me feel intelligent.

5. I love reality television, and could easily spend an entire weekend watching one trashy show after another.

6. I hate the idea of being so famous that I am stalked by the paparazzi, but I love the idea of being on TMZ (for a good reason, not a crotch shot reason). That is my favourite celebrity entertainment show.

7. When I am doing a cover show, I watch performances by some of the artists that I am covering to try and emulate them in some way. It's my way of paying homage.

8. Fingernails on a chalkboard has got to be the worst sound. My tongue feels like it will curl up into itself and choke me.

9. I don't like saunas or steam rooms because I feel like I might suffocate. But I want to try and get into hot yoga, so I can have a hot yoga body.

10. My favourite game in the world is Dutch Blitz, although other speed games are also in the running.

11. I enjoy staying home and having friends over, rather than going to a friend's house or going out somewhere.

12. I am a professional procrastinator. In fact, most of my blogs are written at work, so you could say that I am paid to blog.

13. I am also a professional mall-walker. If you have ever lived anywhere that has a high traffic mall, then you know what I'm talking about. I'm one of those people who shoot the gap and walk really quickly. Keeps my thighs in shape.

14. I am a mild road rager, meaning I will tell drivers off in a sing song voice if they are doing it wrong. I also gave someone the finger once, but it was a total reflex and I immediately regretted it, and honestly have no idea why that was how I chose to react.

15. I am a sore loser. My husband and I went on vacation with our best friends this summer, and when my girl friend and I were playing card games she kept beating me. I had to stop because I couldn't handle it.


16. I love roller coasters. I would love to go to a huge amusement park every year to ride them.


17. I wish the world of Harry Potter were real. I love the idea of magic and potions and photos of people that move and letter by owl. It seems so awesome.


18. Every time I experience an instance of deja vu, I say to myself "there is a glitch in the Matrix!"


19. If I had the budget and no bad debt, I would buy new clothes every week. I love shoes and cute tops, and love wearing new things.


20. I try to take towels out of the dryer as soon as they are done so that I can wrap up in the warmth.


21. My favourite colour is red, but I don't like wearing red. I think it makes me look funny.


22. I really love my hair. I often go into places and think "yup, definitely have the coolest hair here."


23. I'm not as vain as I make myself sound. I am actually extremely self-conscious.


24. Makeup is my newest obsession, and Sephora enables my habit. I go in once or twice a month just to try things out, maybe buy a new brush or lip colour, and then leave and dream about all the makeup I could have.


25. I love getting letters in the mail, and hate that I never get around to writing them to people myself. 


26. I love wine, and if it were socially acceptable I would have a glass with most meals.


27. I am allergic to chocolate. I used to get chronic migraines in high school, and then one day realized that chocolate is the trigger. It was a sad day, but sweets were quickly replaced with my favourite snack.


28. I am also allergic to shrimp, and get stomach aches when I eat it. But I eat it anyway if it's around, because I love it.


29. I don't like trying new foods. I am very particular about what I eat. I am partial to certain flavours, and can't really handle spicy foods, so I generally play it safe when going out to eat.


30. My favourite chain restaurant is the Olive Garden. I could eat there every single day and never grow tired of the salad.


31. I love penguins, and have a small collection of stuffies in my bedroom. My husband also proposed to me with a penguin from build a bear.


32. I don't like cats. They shed and are moody and walk all over counters and tables, which I find disgusting.

33. When looking at show homes, I pay the most attention to the kitchen and bathrooms. If I don't like them, I write off the entire home.


34. I'm a terrible gift giver. I have a hard time shopping for other people, and generally buy gift cards or give cash.


35. I love bottled/filtered water. I drink around 3 litres a day.


36. My favourite sport to play is Ultimate Frisbee. I want to join a league, but I don't think that I could commit a bunch of time to it, so I am content with a pickup game here and there.


37. My favourite game to watch is hockey. True Canadian, right here.


38. I call my father-in-law dad, and my own father by his first name.


39. My friends and I go robogganing, which is tobogganing in the summer after it rains. It's so fun!


40. I love "that's what she said" jokes. I think they are the funniest thing in the world, although "yo mama" jokes are a close second.


41. I wish I could act. I am a terrible actress though. 


42. I have texted in my sleep.

43. I don't like talking on the phone. I much prefer an email or a text message that I can respond to at my leisure.


44. I don't like it when I am expected to be funny. I have a good sense of humour, and generally am good at keeping people laughing, but I hate it when people gawk at me like I'm a monkey, giving me the "say something funny" look.


45. I am generally bored. I am like an ADD kid that needs to be kept occupied all the time or I get annoying. Maybe I am ADD.

46. I am a perfectionist. My office space is immaculate, and everything in my house has a specific place.

47. I am slightly OCD. I have very particular methods for certain things, and am uncomfortable if for some reason I need to do them differently.


48. I am the furthest thing from a morning person possible. I would wake up every day at noon and then stay awake late every night if I could.


49. I wanted to be a forensic scientist for six years, and then decided that it wasn't for me.


50. I am a jealous person. I would have a hard time if my husband had a lot of female friends, or was friends with his exes.


51. I have a lot of guy friends and am friends with a couple exes. Double standard, I know. I am full of them.


52. I am a bad liar. So much so, that my husband is not allowed to guess what his gifts are because I couldn't lie to him if he got it right.


53. Grocery shopping has got to be my absolute least favourite household chore. I hate it with a passion, and I tell my husband how much I dislike it every time we go.


54. I have never had long hair. It's really fine and thin, and I don't think it would look good, but I've never really tried it either.


55. When I was a kid, I looked like a boy, and my father's co-workers referred to me as the other son.


56. My first kiss was when I was 15. It sucked.


57. I have two tattoos. One on my rib cage that says courage, and the other behind my right ear is the initials of my husband and siblings, whom I love the most.


58. All of my most embarrassing moments were when I was younger in school. One of them, no one knows except for one person, and I prefer it stay like that.


59. I go through phases where I never want to have kids, and then back to thinking that they are a novel idea, but I'm not going to be ready for that for many MANY years.


60. White water rafting is one of the most fun things I have ever done. I want to go again!


61. My favourite place in the world is the mountains. I haven't been everywhere, but even if I had I think the mountains would still end up on top of the list.


62. I don't handle change very well. Moving cities was one of the biggest and hardest changes I have ever had to go through. It was worth it, but I don't think I would want to do it again any time soon.


63. I once left a banana in a lunch bag in my bedroom for basically an entire summer. I got in so much trouble once the source of all the fruit flies was found under a bunch of crap, and hundreds flew around our normally bug free house.


64. My dog was my best friend while growing up. She knows all my secrets.


65. I love to dance but am terrible at it.

66. I would seriously consider plastic surgery. 

67. I am very financially disciplined, which is odd because my parents are not.


68. The best thing my husband can give me is his time.


67. Christmas is my least favourite holiday. Although, now that my husband and I have a few traditions of our own, I am starting to like it more. We build a Lego thing every Christmas Eve and it's awesome.


68. I don't like wearing socks. My feet could be cold as ice and I still won't wear them. I also would walk through snow in flats without wearing socks on the way to school or work.

69. I didn't get my driver's license until I was 19, and probably wouldn't have if I hadn't met my husband, who lived in another city at the time.

70. I really don't like it when someone finds out that I sing and demands that I show them. I am not a dog, I don't do tricks on command.


71. I saved myself for my husband, and he did for me. God really protected us.


72. I met my best friend when her and her husband started dating. We got close right after I got married, but I wish it was sooner. I would have put her in my bridal party for sure!


73. I love weddings, except for weddings with no dance. I need to get my groove on.

74. I am more and more like my mom each day, and it's not terrible. I just take the good parts and leave what I don't like.

75. I love biology. If I weren't a musician I would probably be a high school biology teacher.


76. I am a brand snob for some things, but for others I don't care at all. For example, I only use salon hair products, and will spend upwards of 30 dollars on a bottle of shampoo. I also buy brand name jeans (I can thank my husband for that one) and brand name makeup products. But I don't care about where I get my shoes and shirts from.

77. I speed all the time when I am driving. I'm not a wreckless driver, I just like to go fast, and now that I drive a standard I feel like a racecar driver sometimes. I have been pulled over once, but I don't think that I really deserved it that time. Luckily, it was in BC, and if the BC government doesn't report the incidence to the AB government, it won't show up on my driving record.

78. I love tax season. I have been getting organized for it for a couple months now, because I love organizing and filing and stuff. And I have estimated our return a couple times, and it is going to be stellar.

79. I feel like I sweat more than the average girl and I am embarrassed about it.

80. I once played Hide and Seek in cars with a few friends at two in the morning in the middle of winter. We were bored, and decided it would be fun to hide and then give the other people clues as to where we were in the neighborhood. It was awesome.

81. My favourite song is Can't Stop Thinkin 'Bout You by Martin Sexton. It has been my favourite song for at least four years.

82. I once stared at a girl on the bus for the entire ride because she was so strikingly beautiful. Luckily, she didn't notice me. She was one of the most gorgeous women I have ever seen in my life, and I couldn't help but look and be in awe.

83. I often dream about selling everything and travelling with my husband. I think there is something romantic about the prospect of not having anything but the money in our pockets and the clothes on our back and each other.

84. I don't know what I would do without Starbucks. My venti soy sugar-free vanilla berry blossom tea misto is a comfort food, and I have one almost every day.

85. I don't drink coffee. I used to, much more than I should have, but now I have one latte from Phil and Sebastian's every weekend with my husband and that's it. And if their lattes weren't so fricken amazing, I wouldn't drink coffee at all.

86. I stay away from dark pop unless I am drinking a spiced rum and coke.

87. I don't work well with other people who have strong opinions. I have a dominant personality and have trouble giving up control to other dominant personalities.

88. I could live without pizza, but not without pizza pops.

89. Most movies that everyone has seen at least once I have never watched. I have never seen Forest Gump, Titanic, or Breakfast At Tiffany's, just to name a few.

90. I am most self-conscious about my height. If I were just a few inches shorter, that would be ideal.

91. My favourite concerts to go to are smaller shows. I went to see Pablo Discobar, an Australian funk band, in 2007 and it was amazing. And then I saw Mute Math a few months later, and that has got to top the list of best shows I have ever seen.

92. I have a really funny idea for when the next election time rolls around, but I don't tell many people because I don't want them to steal my idea.

93. I love reading the newspaper. The National Post is my favourite one for sure.

94. I feel guilty after spending money on myself. I bought a few shirts and some work pants recently, and spent over 200 dollars, and felt really bad about it even though we had the money and I needed clothes. I don't know why. But, I don't hesistate to spend money on other people.

95. I was never allowed to go Trick Or Treating when I was a kid, and I really feel like I missed out on a part of childhood because of it.

96. My brother and I would make up songs in our basement when we were really young, most prominently about Dick Tracy. I have no idea why we chose him.

97. I find my mom hilarious when she is really mad, because she says the funniest things without knowing it. She has gotten upset with me a few times for laughing at her while she's mad about something, but she's just so darn funny.

98. My best friends are like family. Save for my siblings, whom I would do anything for and give any amout of time to, I would rather spend time with friends than with relatives. If I saw my family (grandparents, in-laws, aunts and uncles) two or three times a year, that would be enough for me.

99. I believe in ghosts, and I think the people who try to channel and communicate with spirits are idiots.

100. I believe world peace is impossible, but still wish for it.

-SP

Stephanie, The Girly-Girl

I have been a total girl lately. I know, that's a weird thing for me to say considering that I am, in fact, a girl. But I was always the guy's girl;  my favourite pass times were drinking beer, watching sports, playing outside, and hanging out with my guy friends/brothers while doing and talking about guy things. Now, I still love beer and sports and playing outside, but I have become a much more feminine version of myself in the past year or so. 

I think for this to make any sense, I need to start from the beginning which is a long time ago. I grew up with four amazing brothers who are the light of my life. They are so fun and different from each other and we have so many amazing memories. Most of my favourite memories are with them (although, not to leave out my little sister, who is equally as amazing). The oldest of the bunch and I would do absolutely everything together when we were younger. Instead of barbies, I played Hot Wheels, and instead of makeup I wore dirt proudly on my body when we rough housed on the playground. We were best friends. 

My other brothers quickly joined the pack and we were inseparable. As we got older, we all became great friends and allies. We moved from playgrounds to bikes, and biked all weekend and every evening. During our long winters, we would snow suit up (for all you HIMYM fans) every night, whether homework was done or not, and make tracks in the snow that we could toboggan around. I was friends with my brother's friends, and the additional friends that I made were almost all male, because that's what I was used to. 

I only knew how to be around boys. I was the friend that usually had a crush on at least one of my guy friends, but we were just friends nonetheless. Then I moved out when I was 16. I moved because my father abused me and I couldn't take it anymore, and when I left I had this incredible void in me, this hunger for healthy male attention. Really, I always hungered after that, which is why I always had a crush on someone. I wanted so badly to be loved and accepted for who I was, and not taken advantage of and abused by someone in a trust position in my life. But as the song goes, I was looking for love in all the wrong places.

I dated this guy in high school who cared for me deeply, but I never completely trusted him. I was afraid of being criticized by him or his family so much so that I didn't even feel comfortable eating at his house in case I was doing it wrong. I felt like I had to prove myself to him, just like I was always trying to prove myself to the man I once called dad. I would lie to him, lies that he has no clue I told, because I thought that I had to for him to be interested in me, and I craved his attention more than anything else in the world. I thought that I loved him and he temporarily, although incompletely, filled the aching hole in my heart. 

Then we broke up. The end of the relationship consumed me. I was 16, almost 17, and the only consistency that I had in my life since I moved away from home was gone. I was at a loss and had no idea how to handle these adult emotions since I was still just a child. I would go to school each day, depressed, telling and retelling my friends stories and conversations and imaginary scenarios that I had prepared myself for (thanks, Bee and C, for always listening). My life was quite literally a soap opera. You could base a cheesy television show on those few years years of my life and probably have a few good seasons worth of material. Every conversation, every thought, every song I wrote, everything in my life was a cry for that mediocre at best love to return. 

I eventually got over him, but as I tried to leave him behind I continued to seek my worth in men. I went to grad with a guy that broke my heart the day after. I dated a guy shortly after high school who was exciting and interesting, but we were together a little over a month. By this time, I was 18 and really into the bar scene, so each weekend I was on the hunt for Mr. Right and only ever found Mr. Not-Ready-To-Commit, Mr. I-Have-A-Girlfriend, or Mr. I-Only-Want-To-Sleep-With-You. I felt hopeless.

In the meantime, the walls that barricaded my heart only became thicker and taller. I tried to be more relatable, more of a guy's girl again. I was tough, and tough to get to know. I was independent and head strong and wrote off men almost altogether. Shortly after I was 18, I started counselling. If you have been keeping up with my blog, I have raved about the process  before on more than one occasion. It was hard, the hardest thing I might ever have to do, but worth it. Jesus showed me how much He loves me, and came in and completely filled that void in me, wrapping me up in His perfect love and mercy. And then I met a man.

My husband is the most patient person that I know. If you were to ask, he would tell you that I was difficult. I didn't make him feel needed because I could always do everything myself. I didn't want to change for him or anyone. I hated ever having to rely on someone else. But he stuck it out, and stayed with me and supported me as I began to realize what my female heart needs. I am not a man. I am not wired up to be tough. My heart leads me, and always has led me, but I refused it any air time. I wouldn't cry, I would lash out in anger, I was impossible. But as my heart changed slowly with each counselling session, each dark and dirty secret revealed, I learned who I really was.

Yes, I am strong and independent, and I like beer, sports, and playing outside, but I am a woman, created to yearn for the love and acceptance of a man. And I can rest in that now. God has blessed me beyond measure with the husband he has given me. For the first time I am truly comfortable in the role that I was made for. And I think that there is evidence of that even in the small things in my life.

Girly lipstick

For my birthday, I asked for a makeup pallet that I really wanted. My husband got it for me, and now I often try out one or two looks a day just because I want to look my absolute best for my man. I was never like that before. I didn't care so much about how I looked or presented myself, and now like a girly-girl, I put in effort. I love doing that for him. And I love letting him take care of me. When I cry, he is there. When I am hurt he listens, and when I am hurt by him, he takes responsibility. He arrived at the perfect time, and as my heart softened he was always there to take up the slack. 

That's just one small example, and maybe it doesn't really say or mean a whole lot to you. But truly, I have changed. Everything is so different now. I love just being able to be a girl; a beautiful, comfortable, emotional, heart led girl.

-SP