I think for this to make any sense, I need to start from the beginning which is a long time ago. I grew up with four amazing brothers who are the light of my life. They are so fun and different from each other and we have so many amazing memories. Most of my favourite memories are with them (although, not to leave out my little sister, who is equally as amazing). The oldest of the bunch and I would do absolutely everything together when we were younger. Instead of barbies, I played Hot Wheels, and instead of makeup I wore dirt proudly on my body when we rough housed on the playground. We were best friends.
My other brothers quickly joined the pack and we were inseparable. As we got older, we all became great friends and allies. We moved from playgrounds to bikes, and biked all weekend and every evening. During our long winters, we would snow suit up (for all you HIMYM fans) every night, whether homework was done or not, and make tracks in the snow that we could toboggan around. I was friends with my brother's friends, and the additional friends that I made were almost all male, because that's what I was used to.
I only knew how to be around boys. I was the friend that usually had a crush on at least one of my guy friends, but we were just friends nonetheless. Then I moved out when I was 16. I moved because my father abused me and I couldn't take it anymore, and when I left I had this incredible void in me, this hunger for healthy male attention. Really, I always hungered after that, which is why I always had a crush on someone. I wanted so badly to be loved and accepted for who I was, and not taken advantage of and abused by someone in a trust position in my life. But as the song goes, I was looking for love in all the wrong places.
I dated this guy in high school who cared for me deeply, but I never completely trusted him. I was afraid of being criticized by him or his family so much so that I didn't even feel comfortable eating at his house in case I was doing it wrong. I felt like I had to prove myself to him, just like I was always trying to prove myself to the man I once called dad. I would lie to him, lies that he has no clue I told, because I thought that I had to for him to be interested in me, and I craved his attention more than anything else in the world. I thought that I loved him and he temporarily, although incompletely, filled the aching hole in my heart.
Then we broke up. The end of the relationship consumed me. I was 16, almost 17, and the only consistency that I had in my life since I moved away from home was gone. I was at a loss and had no idea how to handle these adult emotions since I was still just a child. I would go to school each day, depressed, telling and retelling my friends stories and conversations and imaginary scenarios that I had prepared myself for (thanks, Bee and C, for always listening). My life was quite literally a soap opera. You could base a cheesy television show on those few years years of my life and probably have a few good seasons worth of material. Every conversation, every thought, every song I wrote, everything in my life was a cry for that mediocre at best love to return.
I eventually got over him, but as I tried to leave him behind I continued to seek my worth in men. I went to grad with a guy that broke my heart the day after. I dated a guy shortly after high school who was exciting and interesting, but we were together a little over a month. By this time, I was 18 and really into the bar scene, so each weekend I was on the hunt for Mr. Right and only ever found Mr. Not-Ready-To-Commit, Mr. I-Have-A-Girlfriend, or Mr. I-Only-Want-To-Sleep-With-You. I felt hopeless.
In the meantime, the walls that barricaded my heart only became thicker and taller. I tried to be more relatable, more of a guy's girl again. I was tough, and tough to get to know. I was independent and head strong and wrote off men almost altogether. Shortly after I was 18, I started counselling. If you have been keeping up with my blog, I have raved about the process before on more than one occasion. It was hard, the hardest thing I might ever have to do, but worth it. Jesus showed me how much He loves me, and came in and completely filled that void in me, wrapping me up in His perfect love and mercy. And then I met a man.
My husband is the most patient person that I know. If you were to ask, he would tell you that I was difficult. I didn't make him feel needed because I could always do everything myself. I didn't want to change for him or anyone. I hated ever having to rely on someone else. But he stuck it out, and stayed with me and supported me as I began to realize what my female heart needs. I am not a man. I am not wired up to be tough. My heart leads me, and always has led me, but I refused it any air time. I wouldn't cry, I would lash out in anger, I was impossible. But as my heart changed slowly with each counselling session, each dark and dirty secret revealed, I learned who I really was.
Yes, I am strong and independent, and I like beer, sports, and playing outside, but I am a woman, created to yearn for the love and acceptance of a man. And I can rest in that now. God has blessed me beyond measure with the husband he has given me. For the first time I am truly comfortable in the role that I was made for. And I think that there is evidence of that even in the small things in my life.
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| Girly lipstick |
That's just one small example, and maybe it doesn't really say or mean a whole lot to you. But truly, I have changed. Everything is so different now. I love just being able to be a girl; a beautiful, comfortable, emotional, heart led girl.
-SP
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