Facebook Part 3: The Rant

When I began writing my blogs about facebook (Part 1 and Part 2), I was thinking about what bothers me the most about this social network. I decided that it wasn't enough to just write about those things in passing, where they would get lost in the overall message of the blogs, but instead they need their own space to be heard. This is my facebook rant.

As I said in part 1, I cleaned up my facebook, meaning I went through all my "friends" with a fine toothed comb and probably got rid of more people than I kept. I didn't do it because I had problems with those people, we just never spoke. We didn't comment on each other's photos or statuses, and we didn't ever see each other in person. Most of them I knew in school, some of them as far back as elementary school (and some of them bullied me), and since being out of school we didn't make time for each other. If it weren't for facebook, we would have never spoken again, really. So what was the point? Oh man did I get in trouble.

Not angry/ranting, but playing on kiddie rides!

I started getting friend requests that I was promptly ignoring from the very people I had deleted, some of them several times. I got messages in my inbox, asking for me to add them, or asking why I had deleted them. One person in particular who was adamant that I add them would send messages along with their requests, saying "why won't you add me Steph?! Seriously, I have added you so many times!" I did end up adding that person, only to delete her recently after over a year of zero contact. And then there were the people that I ran into in person. I will never forget this one guy. He was my grad date. When we met he was wonderful and charming, but in the end he broke my already fragile heart. I ran into him one day a couple years later at the mall, and he gave me a hug asking "hey why aren't we facebook friends?". I gave him the response he wasn't looking for, saying "because we aren't friends in real life". He said something passive aggressive and rude in return, thinking it might bully me into re-adding him, but I shrugged it off and kept walking. And then there are the people who I see occasionally, but wouldn't have much of a relationship with otherwise. They do the "well, if we were friends on facebook *ahem* then you would know that I just got back from this vacation/had this party/am dating so-and-so".  And then (this is the best one) right before my husband and I moved to Calgary, we had a lot of crap go on at our home church between us and a couple leaders there. I deleted them because I couldn't trust them, didn't like them, and didn't respect them. For me to say that I have lost respect entirely for someone is big; I can count on one hand how many people I do not have an ounce of respect for, and it is for good reason. I started getting phone calls and emails..."why aren't we facebook friends?" Are you serious? You disrespect me, and try to manipulate me, and expect to have access to my life in any capacity? I am currently shaking my head.

It got to the point where I changed all my privacy settings. Someone searching me can only search me by my current surname, so if you don't know I'm married, too bad. Also, if we don't have mutual friends, there is no "add as friend" button at the top of the page; those people need to send me a message asking my permission. I went through my photos and untagged everyone that I had deleted (this took like two hours...I have a lot of photos). In the process, I got to reminisce and wonder about those people, but I haven't seen most of them in several years. I have had a few people ask me to add them, and have sent most of them a message back politely saying that I view facebook as an extension of current relationships, not a means to start one. I usually don't hear from those people again, but I also don't get any angry or confused messages from them.

And facebook should be just that, an extension of current relationships. If we don't have a relationship, if I wouldn't invite you to my wedding, if you wouldn't invite me to yours, if we won't ever see each other because we don't have any mutual friends, then what is the point? A lot of people have the "add everyone I have ever met" mentality, but I just can't do that. I'm a private person; I like to share things with certain people, not the world. Even my photos are restricted to certain users. Everyone is divided into lists, and only certain groups are able to view certain albums. Does that make me a bad person? Is that worth getting angry over? Sure, there have been times when I have gone to visit the profile of someone I know and have realized that that person deleted me. I may wonder for a couple minutes, but after a quick re-evaluation of the relationship I realize that there isn't one, or isn't a strong one, and then I move on.

So if you are accessing this blog from my facebook page, it's because you are the chosen ones! I love you and I care about you and your life. I like seeing your photos and status updates, and I like that you can see mine. I want you to have a glimpse into my world, and an open door into it via these blogs. I value you and your thoughts and your time. And if one day along the road we aren't facebook friends, don't be angry. People grow, people change, and relationships change with them. It's not because I don't like you, it's nothing personal at all. It's just that we aren't friends in real life.

-SP