Bah Humbug

Last year's Lego creation!

I am feeling much more festive than usual. Usually, I am more of a Grinch than anything, loathing the Christmas season and all that comes with it. I don't like snow, cold temperatures, long lines, traffic jams, or familial function obligation. I do like relaxation, some Christmas music, the lights and light displays, hot chocolate, decorating a tree and our newest tradition which is putting together a giant Lego thing on Christmas Eve. But the bad generally outweighs the good and I am more excited for the time when the tree comes down than for when it goes up.

But this year is different. Perhaps it's the environment change, maybe it's that some key relationships in our lives have been healed, but whatever the reason I am actually excited about Christmas. Last year, I did our cards for family and friends very last minute, and some cards were never sent out. The year before that, I didn't do cards at all. This year, however, I have my list, have checked it twice and have over half of our cards written and addressed and ready to be mailed.  It could also be that we aren't doing any Christmas shopping this year. We have opted for a more non-traditional gift, purchasing from or donating to charity; we just need to do some research and decide what suits us best. My husband is wondering what has gotten into me, and honestly I don't know, but I am excited!

The weird part is that this is probably one of the harder Christmases for me. In April of this year, I cut off relationship with my father entirely. We haven't spoken or seen each other since, and won't unless and until he accepts responsibility for his actions (if you have no clue what I'm talking about, read here). So this year, I have needed to do some major juggling. I was invited to a family barbecue by my aunt on my father's side this summer. I had to ask my cousin, who invited me, if my father would be there, because if he has confirmed then I could not attend. Then, for Thanksgiving, I was in Edmonton to see my family at which time we had a dinner at my grandpa's house and my father was strictly not invited. Christmas will be much the same, as will any other family functions that he would attend. Before that, I had a conversation with him a few weeks before my wedding explaining to him that he could not walk me down the aisle. Of course, there would be exceptions to the rule. I would never miss a wedding or a funeral even if he is to attend, but if it were a wedding I would request to be seated at a different table, and at a funeral I wouldn't make any effort to acknowledge him.

But at the same time, even with all the juggling and the questions and the awkward conversations, I feel free. I feel happy. I know that I am doing to right thing by putting up a boundary and sticking with it. I know that I have clearly said to him that though I won't contact him, as the ball is in his court, he has the ability to change everything by accepting that he is wrong. I do hope that one day he does, and for now I need to make some difficult stands and decisions against him. But it's for the good.

So this Christmas, as difficult as it will be in some senses, it will be an excellent one. We are spending Christmas day with my husband's family, and are having a mini-Christmas with our really good friends. I might even pull out the decorations next week and start making the house pretty. This is the first time in years that I am enjoying this wonderful season. I might even lose my Grinch status.

-SP